


Where You Are

by kanekki



Series: Accuse Me Thus [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Romance, Sexual Content, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Supportive Otabek Altin, Supportive Victor Nikiforov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-09-30 06:05:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10155734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekki/pseuds/kanekki
Summary: It’s been over a year since the traumatic events of his pre-Olympic season, and Yuri Plisetsky is still healing. Will he finally be able to move on, or will the horrors of his past prevent him from moving forward?Sequel toRise Up.





	1. How Far I'll Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is part three of the [_Accuse Me Thus_](http://archiveofourown.org/series/668132) series and the sequel to [Rise Up.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9972446/chapters/22284980)
> 
> I have chose to use the Rape/Non-Con Archive Warning just to be safe, because this will reference rape/non-con that occurred in part one of the series. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this first chapter! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Sunlight streamed through the window illuminating the dust particles that almost seemed to sparkle. The windows were open and a gentle breeze blew through the apartment, rustling the curtains and sending the sweet smell of spring into Yuri's nostrils. There was a bit of a nip in the air, but he couldn’t care less; excited to finally be able to open the windows after the harsh winter.

 

He lay on the wooden floor using Makkachin as a pillow, Kobi settled on his chest. A warm beam of sunlight lay over all of them, making it feel warm and comfortable, despite the slight chill. After several weeks of having to the apartment to himself while Victor and Yuuri were on their honeymoon, he had spent lots of lazy afternoons in a similar fashion.

 

After the flurried frenzy of the Olympic season, they were all taking a well-deserved break. Victor and Yuuri were honeymooning in Italy, sending him photos and texts every few days. Otabek was back home in Almaty, but Yuri wasn’t too sad about it. He had scheduled a trip to go to Kazakhstan to see his boyfriend in less than two weeks, as soon as the other two had returned from their trip.

 

He spent most of his time reading, watching movies, or just putzing around the apartment. He still skated with Yakov a few times a week, but it wasn’t the intense training that he had been used to over the past year. Mostly, he just kept himself in good enough shape that when the season began again, he’d be prepared.

 

Still attending therapy, Yuri’s current focus was on his medication. He had stayed on his meds faithfully during the Olympic season, but the side effects had really taken their toll on him. Mostly, the numbness he felt was too much to bear. While his therapist sympathized, she expressed concern at the idea of him quitting.

 

“Your panic attacks will return,” she had said during one of their more recent sessions, “Not to mention the withdrawal symptoms you will have to battle.”

 

Yuri had just shrugged. He still had some nightmares and the occasional panic attacks, so he figured that it couldn’t be too much worse off of his meds. Hoping for a little relief, he had decided to go against his doctor’s wishes and stop taking his medication. He felt on edge and besides the nightmares, he had a general feeling of edginess. While it was harder to get through the day, he relished in feeling all of his emotions, even the ones that were unpleasant.

 

_I know this is probably stupid, but I just want to feel something._

 

Trying to be open with his boyfriend, he had told the truth only to Otabek.

 

 _“Yura,”_ Otabek had said over the phone the day before, _“I’m worried. If your doctor is against it, I’m scared what you could happen. I don’t want you to feel like you did before.”_

 

“Beka, I just want to feel _something,”_ Yuri had confessed, trying to get his point across. They had a quiet argument for a while until Yuri had asked to drop the subject, not wanting the fight to escalate. He knew that his boyfriend was only worried about him, but he didn’t feel like justifying his medical choices to anyone, save perhaps his doctor.

 

As he lay on the floor, Makkachin’s soft fur under his head, he pulled out his phone, quickly shooting a text to Otabek, wanting to make sure that they were okay after their heated conversation the day before.

 

 **Yuri:** are we okay?

 **Otabek:** Of course. I’m sorry for yesterday. You know I’m just worried about you, right?

 **Yuri:** I know.

 **Otabek:** My mom is so beyond excited you’re coming here soon. My parents can’t wait to meet you! I should probably warn you though, my sister is a bit of a fangirl.

 **Yuri:** oh no...what kind of fangirl?

 **Otabek** : Yuuri K’s

 **Yuri:** Oh god, seriously? Hahahaha that’s precious

 **Otabek:** Yeah, it’s pretty adorable, actually. When svetla found out he was getting married, she was devastated.

 

While Yuri wasn’t a huge fan of small children, he had to admit that Otabek’s six-year-old sister, Svetla, was very cute. Otabek had been taking a lot of photos with her on Instagram since he had been home and in each one she was doing something that Yuri found precious, in spite of himself.

 

_I’m terrified to meet her._

_And his parents._

_God, what if they hate me?_

 

Sighing, he stretched his arms, feeling the warmth of the sun on his face. The heat from the light made him feel sleepy, and he let his eyes close shut.

 

_Just a quick nap. Then I’ll make dinner._

 

The rest of his days watching the apartment went by in a similar haze. It was in shambles; Yuri not tidying up after himself. The day before Yuuri and Victor were due to arrive home, he frantically began to clean, throwing away week’s worth of snack wrappers and straightening things up. He even vacuumed, dusted, and aired out each room, not wanting the others to think he had spent their whole honeymoon slumming around.

 

Filled with a jittery energy, something he had come to associate with being off of his meds, Yuri decided it was a good time to call his grandfather. They hadn’t been speaking much and visiting even less. Every time they would meet, his grandfather would always pressure him to call or visit his mother in prison, something he didn’t feel ready to do. After all, she hadn’t reached out to him, either, so he didn’t feel obliged.

 

However, he did miss his grandpa. Despite the hard last few years they had, his grandfather was still an important person in his life and Yuri was still thankful for all he had done for him. Hating the thought of his grandfather being lonely, he made the personal decision to call him at least once a week.

 

Picking up his phone, he dialed the number of his grandfather’s retirement home. A nice receptionist answered and Yuri asked to be transferred. The line rang a couple of times before a _click_ signaled that the phone had been picked up.

 

_“Hello? Yurachka, is that you?”_

 

“Grandpa, hi,” Yuri said, smiling warmly, “It’s good to hear your voice.”

 

 _“You, too. You’re still the talk of the place here! No one can believe that my grandson is an Olympian. They even have a poster of you in the rec room, did you know?_ ”

 

A warm comfortable feeling settled in his stomach. He had really missed talking to his grandfather.

 

“Grandpa, it’s good to talk to you,” he murmured, “I miss you.”

 

_“I miss you too, Yurachka. But I know how busy you are.”_

 

Guilt burned through his stomach. He hadn’t been busy, not at all, but for some reason, the thought of facing his grandfather in person seemed daunting. Not quite able to put a reason behind his emotions, he had instead ignored it, simply giving excuses for being unable to visit.

 

The phone call continued in the same vein, the conversation light and pleasant. Thankfully, his mother was not brought up at all and so they were able to stay cordial and have a conversation. When the call ended, Yuri felt a little lighter.

 

 _That’s the first time we’ve talked without arguing in what feels like forever._ _I think I needed that._

 

* * *

 

When Victor and Yuuri arrived the next day, they crossed paths in the airport. They exchanged quick conversation and hugs before Yuri boarded his own plane to Kazakhstan. He was burning with excitement at the thought of finally visiting Otabek in his home country.

 

The three hour flight wasn’t too bad, especially considering that a few weeks prior had had been on three separate twenty hour flights. Daydreaming about the time he was about to spend with Otabek, the hours passed quickly. He knew he was going to be staying with his family for two whole weeks, which he found rather daunting, but it was a small price to pay for being with his boyfriend.

 

He had been careful to pack only what he needed, not wanting to appear to dramatic or show-offy to Otabek’s parents. His leopard-print suitcase was the only luggage he owned and he hoped they wouldn’t be put off by it.

 

_It’s stupid to think that. It’s just a fucking suitcase._

_God, I hope they like me. Please like me._

 

When the plane landed, Yuri quickly grabbed his backpack and carry-on suitcase, happy that he didn’t have to go through baggage claim. Otabek had offered to pick him up at the airport, but he only had a motorcycle, and Yuri wouldn’t be able to ride on it with his luggage. Instead, he told Otabek to wait at home and he’d come by taxi.

 

Eventually finding a cab driver, Yuri handed him a slip of paper with the address and he headed off, thinking only of seeing his boyfriend again. The ride was about thirty minutes long, first of the city, and then of the countryside, beautiful and bright with the sun.

 

After turning into a quiet neighborhood, the taxi pulled up to a modest two-story home. The outside was a faded blue, bright, cheerful yellow shutters by the windows. There was a small garden in the front and some kid’s toys. Otabek’s motorcycle leaned against the garage and there were brightly colored flowers in pots on the porch. It looked lived-in, happy, well-loved.

 

He vaguely remembered Otabek telling him that his family had always lived in this house and Yuri had found that astonishing. He still had so little from his past life that couldn’t imagine being secure enough to stay in one place for so long.

 

_It’s...it’s a real house. It’s a home._

 

He grabbed his suitcase and backpack and headed to the front door after paying the taxi driver. Taking a deep breath, he raised his hand to knock, but before he could, the door opened.

 

His boyfriend’s beaming face greeted him and he barely caught sight of the entry way before he found himself pulled into an ardent embrace.

 

“Welcome to Kazakhstan!” Otabek beamed, as he hugged him fiercely. Yuri smiled, closing his eyes as he melted into his arms. He was aware that they weren’t alone, but he lingered in embrace anyway, having missed being held.

 

“Otabek, aren’t you going to introduce us?” a kind woman’s voice said, interrupting the moment. Yuri pulled away, face reddening.

 

_Oh no, is this his mom? I’m not ready to meet his mom! I don’t know what to say, uh...am I supposed to shake her hand? What do I call her?_

 

 _“Mom,”_ Otabek groaned pulling away, “He just got here.”

 

Yuri looked up nervously into the warm eyes of Otabek’s mother. She was short and brown skinned with dark hair and eyes. She was dressed plainly, a white blouse and dark pants, barefoot with a smile on her face. She seemed the kind of woman who was kind and welcoming to everyone.

 

Yuri had _no idea_ to deal with someone like that.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am,” he said quietly, sounding much shyer than normal. She beamed at him and pulled him into a quick hug.

 

“Oh, no need to be so formal, Yura! You’re family,” she gushed, pulling back after a moment.

 

_Oh my god, she’s so nice. And normal. What do I say? Oh, I’m going to mess this up, I have no idea how to talk to people like this…_

 

“Yura!” an excited voice squealed, the sound of small feet running raced towards him. He felt a thud as a force hit his stomach and he looked down to see Otabek’s sister hugging his waist.

 

_What is with all the hugging? Is this normal?_

 

“Svetla,” Otabek laughed, prying her off, “Introduce yourself.”

 

She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “But you just _said._ He knows me, right Yura?”

 

_Fuck. I have no idea how to talk to kids. Ugh, Beka, help me!_

 

“Um...yeah,” he smiled weakly, “Hi, Svetla. I, um, like your braids.”

 

She beamed up at him, her smile an uncanny resemblance to her mother. She had a toothy grin and was wearing what looked like an oversized hockey jersey. Tugging on her braids, she turned to look at her brother.

 

“My brother did them,” she exclaimed happily, “He’s the best at braiding.”

 

Yuri brushed his fingers through his hair on the side that Otabek usually braided his own hair.

 

“Yeah,” he smiled back, relaxing slightly, “You know, he did my hair for the Olympics.”

 

Her eyes went wide as saucers. “He _did?_ Wow! Cool!”

 

The nervous tightness in his chest loosened a little. It wasn’t so bad, really, being around such cheerful people. It kind of reminded him of living with Victor, a force of undying positive energy and relentless happiness. The only difference was that Yuri was desperate to have Otabek’s family accept him. He didn’t want to be the cause of strife in another family.

 

_I’ve already ruined one, I don’t want to ruin another. I’ve got to make a good impression. I should probably...not talk a lot. I don’t want to accidentally swear in front of Mrs. Altin or Svetla._

 

“What’s all this, then?” a distinctly male voice came from further back in the house. Yuri’s nerves returned as he sensed that this was probably Otabek’s father, the person he was the most nervous to meet.

 

_I barely remember my dad. I have no idea how to be around dads. God, what do I do? Do I call him sir? When I call Yakov sir he yells at me. Do other guys like that? Is that normal? I don’t know what to do!_

 

A tall, pale figure came out of the kitchen. He had dark hair like Otabek’s and the same warm expression as the rest of the family. Wearing glasses, a soft blue sweater, and brown pants, he definitely looked non-threatening, but Yuri was still intimidated.

 

“Ah, so this is the famous Yura,” Mr. Altin grinned, walking up and holding out his hand, “It’s nice to meet you at last, son. Otabek's done nothing but talk about you nonstop for the past two years.”

 

 _“Dad,”_ Otabek groaned as Mr. Altin shook Yuri’s hand. Yuri figured he should probably say something, but words were lost to him. Everyone just seemed so nice and normal, he was almost waiting for the catch.

 

Swallowing nervously, he forced himself to look Otabek’s father in the eye, fear tugging at his heart.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, sir,” he trembled, feeling embarrassed at how scared he sounded. He saw Otabek looking at him with thinly veiled concern behind his eyes and he tried to send a desperate silent message to his boyfriend for help. He could feel the fringes of panic beginning to swell inside of him, a side effect from being off his meds. Hoping he could quash it, he swallowed hard.

 

_Help me! I don’t know how to talk to normal parents!_

 

“There’s no need to be so nervous,” Mr. Altin said, releasing Yuri’s hand and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, “We don’t bite, I promise.”

 

Yuri smiled weakly, unable to hold the other man’s gaze. He didn’t have interactions with that many adults, besides skaters he had grown up around, and his coaches. His relationships with adults hadn’t been that positive, though he had never felt it so fully until this moment.

  
  
“Don’t make him even more nervous, Arman,” Mrs. Altin scolded, shooing her husband away. Yuri hadn’t realized until that moment that his hands were twisting together. He pulled them apart quickly, putting his hands behind his back.

 

“Yura, Yura!” Svetla said, tugging his sleeve, “I want to show you my room.”

 

_Um...okay? Is that normal?_

 

Otabek stepped in, picking up his sister and tickling her stomach. She giggled and tugged on his shirt.

 

“Your room, huh? Okay, bug. Let’s take him upstairs,” Otabek smiled fondly, waving Yuri forward. Before following them upstairs, Yuri attempted to salvage the awkward introductions from earlier and turned back to Otabek’s parents.

 

“Thank you very much for having me,” he said formally, unsure of how he should address them, “I really appreciate you letting me stay.”

 

Mrs. Altin grinned, sharing a smile with her husband. “Of course, dear. Now, you best go upstairs. Our girl doesn’t like to be kept waiting!”

 

Yuri nodded, turning to follow Otabek and his sister upstairs. He walked up the stairs slowly, taking in the pictures of their family on the wall. There were lots of the kids, Otabek when he was younger, lots of toothy grins and happy faces. Pictures of grandparents, other relatives, even what he assumed were family pets. He was touched to see one of the framed pictures was of him and Otabek at the Olympics. Seeing him included on the wall made an emotion well up inside him that he couldn’t name.

 

One picture struck him in particular. It looked like it had been taken at a beach somewhere, obviously within the last few years, given how Otabek looked. His parents were both sitting cross-legged on a beach towel, laughing as Svetla was in the process of throwing sand at Otabek’s chest. Otabek was pretending to be wounded from the sand, falling back with an overly-theatrical expression of agony on his face.

 

_They look...so happy. Even when my family went somewhere, we were never like that. Is this how other families are?_

 

He must have been staring at the picture for a long time because he felt someone tug his sleeve.

 

“Yura, you coming?” Otabek said softly, his sister chattering away in his arms. Yuri could tell Otabek was concerned about his silence, but he knew it wasn’t the time to talk about his feelings. Nodding, he followed them up the stairs.

 

The hallway was painted a soft yellow and it was illuminated by the bright sun, making the house look warm and golden. Yuri saw touches of a comfortable, lived-in lifestyle; slippers tucked into corners, stacks of books and magazines, hooks for coats and bags, and well taken care of house plants.

 

Otabek was carrying his sister on his back while she rambled excitedly about something. Yuri wasn’t sure why the words were dying in his throat, but all he could do was stare as if in another universe. He felt like he was an alien, entering a world that he had only viewed through a telescope.

 

_This kind of reminds me of Hasetsu. But the onsen always had strangers, this place is a real home. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in one of these._

 

They entered a room with soft purple walls, various toys and books scattered across the floor. Svetla clearly loved to draw as there were lots of pictures pinned to the wall with her clumsy signature in the corner. He grinned as he saw a poster tacked to the wall of Yuuri from the 2016 Grand Prix in one of his final poses.

 

_This is gold._

 

“This is my room!” Svetla said proudly, wriggling off of Otabek’s hands and pulling Yuri over to her dresser.

 

“And this is my rock collection,” she said proudly, pointing to several small, polished stones. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something.

 

_What do I say? How do you talk to kids?_

 

“They’re...pretty,” he said, touching one gently. It was obviously the right thing to say as she looked up at him, grinning. She tugged him over to a pile of well-loved toys on the floor, picking up a very battered looking, three-legged plastic horse and handing it to Yuri.

 

“That’s my favorite horse,” she said, “You can borrow him today, if you want.”

 

For some reason, the gesture touched him. It was such an innocent gift, and this was such a normal interaction, yet it felt so alien to him.

 

“Thank you,” he murmured, holding on to the horse very carefully. Otabek was watching the interaction with a happy smile. After a while of Svetla introducing Yuri to all of her toys, his boyfriend finally stood.

 

“Okay, Svetla,” he said softly, “Yuri’s tired and needs to get settled in. We can play more later, okay?”

 

Laying on her stomach and playing with some plastic dinosaurs, she sighed. “Okay, Otabek. Promise?”

 

“I promise, bug.”

 

Otabek gestured for Yuri to follow him and they entered a room across the hall. Even though he had never been in his boyfriend’s room before, he recognized it immediately. Otabek took lots of pictures in this room and many of his personal effects that he traveled with were strew across various surfaces. A bed with dark blue sheets was pushed against one wall, a built in bookshelf stuffed to the gills above it. There was a closet with the doors closed, and the opposite wall contained a desk and dresser. Yuri’s heart skipped a beat as he saw a bulletin board filled with pictures of nothing but the two of them.

 

_Wow. It’s so...cozy._

 

Otabek closed the door and Yuri felt a rush of relief. He hadn’t realized that he had been so on edge until he had a moment to breathe.

 

“Yura, are you alright?” Otabek asked worridely, “You’re being really quiet. My family’s a lot, I know…”

 

Yuri shook his head. “No, Beka...your family...they’re great. Really. I’ve just never…”

 

Otabek looked at him, a sad understanding crossing his features. He sat down on his bed, patting the surface, inviting Yuri to sit down. Walking over, Yuri decided bed’s be damned, and he dropped himself on Otabek’s lap, causing the other to fall over laughing.

 

“Hi, Beka,” he said breathlessly, looking at his boyfriend’s bright eyes.

 

“Hi, Yura,” Otabek answered, leaning in for a soft kiss. Yuri sighed into his lips, reaching up to thread a hand through his hair. They kissed for a long time, both eager to find each other again after long apart, but neither rushing into things.

 

_God, kissing him feels so different off my meds. I can feel everything._

 

Otabek eventually lay back on the bed, Yuri curling his head under his chin. They just held each other, the sun warming them and Yuri even dozed a little.

 

_Mmm, this is nice._

_It’s like taking naps at home, but better._

_Beka is a much better pillow than Makka._

 

“Love you,” Otabek murmured after a while, rubbing Yuri’s back, “I missed you like crazy.”

 

Yuri murmured happily, shifting so he was laying next to Otabek. “I love you, too.”

 

“Sleep, Yura,” Otabek said, kissing his forehead softly. Yuri drifted off, feel more at peace than he had felt in a long time. The anxiety had felt earlier wasn't gone, but it did feel more under control, while he was safely surrounded by his boyfriend's sheets.

 

_It feels really safe here._

 

When he stirred again, the sunlight had dimmed, letting him know it had been a few hours since he had nodded off. Otabek was gone, but the door was cracked open, as if an invitation for Yuri to come downstairs to find him.

 

Yuri made sure he looked semi-decent in case he ran into one of the Altin’s and he began to head downstairs. He was halfway down when he paused, hearing his name.

 

“Yura is very sweet,” Mrs. Altin was saying, “Such a polite young man. A bit shy, though.”

 

“Shy?” Otabek laughed, “Mom, he’s the least shy person I know. He saves me every time we get hounded by reporters.”

 

There were the sounds of clanking pots and pans.

 

_I wonder if they’re making dinner. I should go help, not eavesdrop. But...I’m curious._

 

“But he did seem nervous,” Mrs. Altin continued, “Did we come on too strong?”

 

Otabek laughed. “No, mom, it’s not that. Yura...he has a complicated past. I just...don’t think he’s had a lot of experiences with families like ours.”

 

_Yeah, you could say that._

 

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Altin asked, sounding upset.

 

Otabek sighed heavily, the sounds of the pots and pans ceasing. “He...he’s gone through a lot. Remember when I flew back to Russia a few times last year?”

 

“You were so upset each time you came home,” she said sadly, and Yuri felt guilt swarm over him.

 

“Yeah…” Otabek said, “It was rough. But it’s a lot better now. Trust me, as soon as he relaxes, you’ll meet the real Yura. My Yura.”

 

_My Yura._

_Ugh, I love hearing him say that._

 

“I’m sure we will,” Mrs. Altin exclaimed, “Maybe my famous _beshbarmak_ will help him feel more comfortable.”

 

There was silence for a few moments, the sound of someone using a cutting board and water boiling. Yuri wondered when an appropriate time would be to cut in, but then he heard something else that made him wait.

 

“Otabek, you never mentioned where Yura was living,” she said quietly.

 

“I didn’t?” Otabek asked, surprised, “Oh, he lives with Victor.”

 

“Victor _Nikiforov?_ ” she gasped.

 

“Oh my god, _mom,”_ Otabek groaned, “Do you have to fawn over him so much? It’s _embarrassing_.”

 

“Your boyfriend lives with _Victor Nikiforov_ , the best Russian figure skater in history, and you _didn’t tell me?”_

 

“He, uh, also lives with Katsuki Yuuri,” Otabek mumbled, “The olympic gold medalist.”

 

“Your sister will _die,_ oh, Beka, you have to get her an autograph!" she cried excitedly.

 

_This is gold, oh my god._

_Victor will laugh so hard when he hears about this!_

_I have to remember to text Yuuri a picture of Svetla’s poster, too._

 

“Mom, I was actually thinking…” Otabek said, “Uh, well, they’re technically Yura’s guardians, and Victor wanted me to tell you that’s it’s okay to call.”

 

 _“Victor Nikiforov_ wants me to call him? I’ve died and gone to heaven. Where is your father? He will be so jealous.”

 

“MOM.”

 

“Okay, okay,” she laughed, “But, in all seriousness, I think that’s a good idea, especially if Yura’s been having a rough time. What time is it in Russia now?”

 

“Uh...three hours behind, I think,” Otabek guessed.

 

_Close enough._

 

“Okay, I’ll give him a ring. Is this is number here?”

 

“Mom, please put it on speaker.”

 

“Spoilsport."

 

Yuri heard the phone ring as they called Victor from speaker phone.

 

 _“Hi, Otabek,”_ Victor said happily, _“Did Yurio make it okay?”_

 

“Victor Nikiforov!” Mrs. Altin gushed, “It’s an honor to meet you. I’m Otabek’s mother, Lena Altin.”

 

_“Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Altin.”_

 

They chatted for a few moments, Otabek sighing and groaning at moments, obviously embarrassed by his mother’s infatuation. After the polite chit-chat, they moved onto the subject at hand: him.

 

“Yura seems rather shy,” Mrs. Altin confessed.

 

Victor barked out laughing. _“Shy? Yurio?”_

 

“That’s what Otabek said,” she murmured, “But he seems rather nervous. Is there anything I should know about?”

 

_“Yes, actually. He won’t be happy I told you, but if he’s staying in your house, you should know he sometimes suffers from night terrors. Not just bad dreams, but panic attacks. Otabek knows what to do if it happens, but it can be quite scary if you’ve never seen it before.”_

 

Yuri felt his face burning. He knew the Altin’s had a right to know what to expect, especially if he was staying in their home, but he was still embarrassed at the thought of them knowing his secrets.

 

“Poor thing,” Mrs. Altin murmured, “Anything else I should know? I want to make sure he’s comfortable here.”

 

_“He’s been through a lot. He has not had the easiest life and being in your home will probably be a little overwhelming for him. Before he moved in with Yuuri and I, he hadn’t had a real home in a long time.”_

 

“I am so sad to hear that,” she sighed, “Thank you for telling me. I’ll make sure his visit is very comfortable, then!”

 

_“That’s good to hear. We care about him very much. Thank you for having him.”_

 

“Of course. And Victor...can you...do youmindsendingusyourautograph?”

 

“Oh my god, _mom,_ stop!”

 

Yuri had heard enough, Victor’s laughter and promise that _yes, of course he would_ , changing the direction of the conversation. He could sense Otabek’s embarrassment, but it was a fond kind of feeling. The love that Yuri felt in this house was unlike anything he had ever experienced in his life. Even in his fondest memories, his family had never felt like this.

 

A bittersweet feeling came over him as he realized he’d _never_ have this. He couldn’t have his childhood back, couldn’t bring his parents back. He had a new family, sure, but he could never have _this._ He was grateful that Otabek could, that his boyfriend was so loved and supported.

 

Sitting on the stairs, feeling like he was in another world, Yuri thought of a small boy with blonde hair walking to the ballet with his parents, thinking he had the best family in the world.

  
_If I had known it could be like this...maybe I wouldn’t have been so hurt when they left me._


	2. Every Path Leads You Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kind comments and kudos! There are some trigger warnings for this chapter, but they are in the end notes in case of spoilers.

“Eat, Yura, you’re too skinny,” Mrs. Altin admonished, scraping more eggs on his plate, causing Yuri’s stomach to roll at the thought of attempting to digest more food.

 

_If I eat anymore, I’m going to explode!_

 

Otabek gave a long-suffering sigh. “ _Mom_ , please don’t force my boyfriend to eat.”

 

Yuri smiled. It had been three days since he arrived in Kazakhstan and he was slowly getting used to being with the Altins. The house was almost never silent; Svetla was a raucous child, nearly always playing some kind of noisy game or knocking something over. Mrs. Altin was a violinist and a dancer, so there was quite often music playing. Mr. Altin wrote articles for a local paper and was generally quiet, although Yuri had noticed he would sometimes join in with Svetla’s loud games. Otabek’s quiet humor integrated into the house well, and all four of them fit together like puzzle pieces.

 

Yuri observed their interactions quietly, in constant awe of the love and acceptance in the home. Seeing what a real family could be had caused him a lot of restless nights, dredging up old memories from his childhood.

 

The casual breakfast they were having was a normal part of the Altin’s routine, but it still made Yuri uncomfortable. He still hadn’t completely broken past his shyness around the family, reinforcing their belief that he was a quiet person. Otabek had several conversations with him about it, but he didn’t push when Yuri explained that he didn’t understand why the words wouldn’t come.

 

“Otabek, I could use some help in the garage today,” Mrs. Altin was saying, interrupting Yuri’s thoughts, “The car needs some tuning up.”

 

Otabek sighed again. “Mom, I promised I’d take Yuri around Almaty today. He hasn’t even seen the city yet!”

 

_Please don’t argue with her about me._

 

“I know. It will only take a little while, and then you can go,” she said firmly, not backing down.

 

“Mom, can’t we just-”

 

“Otabek,” she said firmly.

 

_No, Beka, don’t keep pushing. It’s not worth the fight._

 

Yuri grew more tense as the quiet argument continued. He noticed that Svetla was eating happily while Mr. Altin read the newspaper, neither bothered by the scene.

 

_Do Beka and his mom argue a lot? Are those two just used to it?_

 

With Yuri, the fights with his mother had been explosive. She was usually high on something during them, which made her irrational and dangerous. While she had never physically harmed him, Yuri was still scarred by the things she had yelled while not in her right mind. Vaguely remembering his father’s drunken outbursts too, Yuri gripped his legs tightly and braced himself for the fight that he was sure to come.

 

“Mom, how about I help fix the brakes today and work on the engine tomorrow?” Otabek continued, “That way, we can still see a lot of the city today.”

 

“Yes, I think that’s a good compromise, dear,” Mrs. Altin, “Can you please pass the sugar?”

 

And that was that.

 

The knots in Yuri’s stomach untwisted as their cheerful conversation returned. He unclenched his fists and exhaled slowly.

 

_Is...is that it?_

 

“Well, Yura, are you excited to see the city?” Mrs. Altin asked, completely oblivious to Yuri’s stress. Nodding, he quickly took a swallow of water to give himself a moment before he had to speak.

 

_Damn, I wish I could figure out why I’m so damn inarticulate around them. Ugh, it’s so fucking embarrassing. This is going to make for one hell of a therapy session when I get home._

 

_Maybe it’d be easier if I was on my meds...no, wait, Yuri, shut up, brain! You’re supposed to be saying something!_

 

“Yes ma’am,” he answered, a little delayed, “It’s my first time in Kazakhstan. I’m excited for Beka to show me around.”

 

“And ride on the motorcycle, right?” she grinned, smiling teasingly at her son.

 

Otabek groaned. “Mom, are you trying to embarrass me to death?

 

Yuri cracked a smile and they continued their breakfast in comfortable peace.

 

* * *

 

Riding on the back of Otabek’s motorcycle was the closest thing to true freedom that Yuri had ever felt, save for skating. They had been riding all over the Kazakh city, seeing famous sites and a few of Otabek’s favorite places. Yuri had tried to be enthusiastic, but the same emptiness and shyness he had been battling since he arrived seemed to be back in full force.

 

He could tell that Otabek knew something was wrong, because instead of taking Yuri to a museum like planned, he pulled over to a small shop and got them some lunch, driving them to a small park. They dismounted the bike and Yuri waited for an explanation.

 

“Let’s skip the museum and just talk?” Otabek suggested, holding up the bag of food. Yuri nodded and they walked over to a grassy area. Sitting down, they unwrapped the food, which turned out to be a delicious kind of pita sandwich, and ate in relative silence.

 

_So...is he going to explain, or..._

 

“Yura, I’m sorry to bring this up again, but I’m honestly just worried, okay?” Otabek finally said, rubbing the back of his neck, “You seem so different than the last time I saw you.”

 

_I’ve just been...drifting, not sad, just not...I dunno. I’m feeling more, but I’m not. God, how do I explain this? I don’t know what to say to make him understand._

 

_Am I depressed? I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like it did before. Is this anxiety? I mean, I feel anxious, but it’s not overwhelming. My PTSD isn’t nearly as bad as it was, I…_

 

_God, I don’t know._

 

Yuri looked out over the scenery, trying to put his thoughts into words.

 

“I...don’t know how to explain it,” he mumbled quietly. Otabek shifted so they were facing one another.

 

“Remember when I first saw you after you lost your house?” Otabek asked, “And I told you to give me the truth, a bit at at time?”

 

Yuri nodded, remembering all too well the horrors of that time in his life. Although he hadn’t been completely honest at the time, he recalled how good it felt to get a little off his chest and to have someone hear it.

 

“I can try,” he whispered, rubbing his forehead. Otabek waited patiently while Yuri gathered his thoughts.

 

_Where do I start?_

 

“I don’t understand your family,” he confessed after a long moment, “I can’t predict them. I’m scared I’m going to say the wrong thing and they’re going to…get mad. Like at breakfast, I thought your mom was going to start screaming at you.”

 

Otabek raised his eyes in surprise. “Over the car?”

 

Yuri nodded. “Yeah. If that had been my parents...”

 

His eyes darkened as he thought back to the day his father had left. He didn’t have many memories of his father, but that day he remembered perfectly well. His father was drunk and screaming while his mother cried back at him. Yuri recalled all too well the vile insults they had slung at one another and the objects that were thrown.

 

“Let’s just say breakfast would’ve been shot to hell,” he smiled wryly. Otabek nodded, obviously concerned, but not wanting to stop the conversation. There was another long moment of silence as he collected his thoughts.

 

_Might as well be honest. I’m past keeping secrets from him._

 

“I’m scared, Beka,” he said after a time, “I’m just not used to being around people as nice as your family. I haven’t spent a lot of time with adults who really care, except Yakov.”

 

“What about Yuuri and Victor?” Otabek asked softly.

 

Yuri laughed. “They don’t count. They might be older than me, but they’re not adults.”

 

“That’s true,” Otabek said with a grin, both of them smiling for a moment before returning to the more serious conversation.

 

“My parents love you,” Otabek murmured, “They really care about you, you know? When you went missing last year...my mom was in _tears_ she was so worried.”

 

Yuri was shocked. “But...she didn’t even know me.”

 

Otabek looked at him with a pained expression. “Yura, she knew _me_ and how much I love you,” he said earnestly, “She felt protective of you because you were the most important person in my life.”

 

_I don’t understand._

 

“I...is that really...normal?” Yuri asked, slightly embarrassed at having to ask, “Do most people’s parents act like yours?”

 

Otabek shrugged. “Most that I’ve met. Parents...they protect you. Love you.”

 

_Not mine._

 

“I wish I knew what that felt like,” Yuri admitted sadly, looking down at the ground, “My parents were too selfish to be protective.”

 

_And I really don’t think they loved me. At least not enough to stick around._

 

Otabek threaded their fingers together, looking unsure of what to say. Yuri allowed the relaxing sensations from their interlocked hands to lull him to a more peaceful frame of mind.

 

They rode around Almaty for the rest of the day, Yuri enjoying the sensation of being on the motorcycle. They didn’t return home until the sun went down.

 

After a meal similar to breakfast, a very relieved Yuri retired to Otabek’s room, snuggling down with his boyfriend for the night. Before they went to sleep, Yuri’s thoughts were of the kindness that the Altins had shown him.

 

_I wonder what it would be like to have grown up with a family like theirs._

_I wish…_

_But wishes don’t change reality._

 

* * *

 

He was standing on the edge of a rocky cliff face looking down into angry waters so dark they were nearly black. A scream echoed somewhere to his right and he turned just in time to see a body fall into the water.

 

_No, I have to save them!_

 

Without thinking, he charged off the cliff after the falling body, icy cold breeze cutting at his face. He fell as if in slow-motion, everything around him crystal clear despite the stormy skies. Eyes looking into the breach of the wave, he saw the body floating face-down. Crashing into the waves, he swam through the shockingly cold water towards the person, attempting to save them.

 

He reached out his hand to touch the body, but it kept floating further and further away from him. A particularly large wave hit, launching both him and the other person into the churning depths. When he finally broke the surface, the body had turned over.

 

A horrifying fear gripped him as he stared down in the lifeless eyes of the all-too-familiar face.

 

 _His_ face.

 

The shock of seeing his own dead body stopped him from swimming. A dark wave crashed over him again, pushing him further and further down into the ocean. Salty, freezing water choked him and he couldn’t get any air while long, slimy tendrils of seaweed grabbed his legs, yanking him down into complete darkness.

 

_Help me!_

_Oh god, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!_

 

Yuri launched up in bed, a strangled cry in his throat. He lashed out wildly, colliding with something to his right. Screams were still coming out of him as he attempted to breathe. He felt a pressure on his arms and a loud noise in his ear. Fighting the pressure, he attempted to break free.

 

_Beka, help me! Fuck, where am I?_

 

The pressure around him grew and he found himself unable to move. Gasping wildly, he tried to take in his surroundings. There was a sudden flare of bright light, making him wince, and he made out that he was sitting up with arms and legs wrapped around him.

 

_Oh, god, another dream. Who’s holding me?_

 

“Hush, Yura, you’re safe, I promise,” a voice soothed in his ear.

 

_Oh fuck, I’m at Beka’s house!_

_  
_ _Calm down, calm down. You can’t let his parents see you like this!_

 

Yuri tried to calm himself, but it wasn’t working. He knew that if he couldn’t get his breathing under control soon he would be heading for a full-scale panic attack. Part of him craved his medications, knowing that this experience wouldn’t be nearly as terrifying if he was taking them.

 

_How did I calm down before I was on meds?_

_Fuck, I can’t think!_

 

“Yura, you’re scaring me,” Otabek murmured, “Can you hear me? Do you know you’re awake?”

 

_Fuck, how long have I been out of the dream? God, I can’t think straight._

 

“Victor,” Yuri gasped, trying to keep the panic at bay, _“Please.”_

 

Victor and Yuuri had helped him through more nightmares than he would care to count. Otabek had been there for a few, but he hadn’t seen Yuri in a _true_ night terror, not until now. Yuri knew he was safe rationally, although he couldn’t make himself calm down. He felt himself shift on the bed and Otabek pull away from him. He gasped, tugging on the sheets, eyes wild and dark.

 

_I’m not in the ocean, I’m not in the ocean, I’m not in the ocean…_

 

 _“Otabek? It’s two am,”_ Victor’s fuzzy voice came through what sounded like a speakerphone.

 

“I’m sorry, but, I can’t calm him down,” Otabek said desperately, “Victor, he can’t breathe!”

 

_“Yuri? Was it a nightmare?”_

 

“Yes. He called out for you. Please, I tried everything and he either can’t hear me or it’s not working…”

 

_“Can you get where he can hear me?”_

 

Yuri grabbed at the sheets tightly, small whimpers escaping his lips as his breathing increased. He hadn’t had this bad of a reaction to a nightmare since when he had first gotten on his meds and they were adjusting the levels. He wasn’t sure which was worse, having the wrong balance of medication, or none at all.

 

_I’m not dead. I’m not drowning. I’m not dead. I’m not drowning._

 

 _“Yurio,”_ Victor’s soothing voice said in his ear, _“Do you remember the time when you landed a quad flip for the first time? How proud you felt?”_

 

_Yeah...yeah...I remember…_

_Fuck, god, my chest…_

 

_“Think about how it felt, leaping into the air and sticking that landing. You told me that you knew then you could be an Olympic medalist because you could match Yuuri’s new base score.”_

 

Yuri was momentarily distracted by the story

 

_Victor…Victor’s on the phone. He’s talking to me. I’m in Beka’s room. I’m not drowning. I’m alive. I can breathe._

_In._

_Out._

_In._

 

“Victor…” he gasped after a minute, a wave of exhaustion sweeping over him, “Victor, I’m sorry.”

 

 _“Yurio,”_ Victor sighed, sounding relieved, _“There you are. This was a bad one?”_

 

Yuri coughed. “Yes...I saw myself...drown...god, it was horrible.”

 

_“Is Otabek with you?”_

 

Yuri looked over, seeing his very nervous boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed. Still breathing hard, Yuri gave him a watery smile.

 

“Yes, he’s here.”

 

_“Are you calm now? Do you need to talk more?”_

 

“I think...I think I’m alright. Thanks, Victor.”

 

 _“Of course,”_ Victor said, yawning a little, _“Anytime. Call me in the morning, okay?”_

 

“Okay,” Yuri said and with quick goodbyes, they hung up. Yuri felt a little more in control of himself, but he was still shaking. A rush of reckless energy surged through him and he felt the familiar impulse to _run._

 

_No, don’t. Beka’s right there. Talk to him._

 

“Yura?” Otabek croaked, looking terrified, “Are you alright?”

 

Yuri nodded, smiling weakly. Otabek sighed and scooted closer, taking Yuri’s hand in his own, gently rubbing his thumb across Yuri’s palm.

 

_That feels nice._

_I…_

_I want to kiss him._

_Fuck it._

 

Yuri surged up, devouring Otabek’s mouth. His boyfriend started in surprise while Yuri ravished his mouth. Clambering into his boyfriend’s lap, he lunged forward and gripped Otabek’s shoulders, licking at his lips, rocking their hips together. After a few moments, Yuri realized that something wasn’t right.

 

_Fuck...he’s not kissing back._

 

Otabek pulled away, breathing hard as he looked in Yuri’s eyes.

 

“What the _hell_ are you doing?” he asked, sounding very upset.

 

_What? Why is he mad?_

 

“Are...” Otabek started, before pausing, “Damnit, Yura, are you _still_ off your meds? Is that what all this is?”

 

 _What? He is_ **_not_ ** _doing this now._

 

“What? Why would you bring that up?” Yuri asked, surprised.

 

Otabek frowned. “Because, when you don’t take them, you’re totally unpredictable.”

 

“Fuck you,” Yuri growled, pushing off his lap and standing up, “I can’t always explain how my brain works!”

 

_Have I pushed him too far?_

 

“Yura, you’ve been closed off and emotionless for days,” Otabek said fiercely, looking agitated, “And then you have that nightmare? I’ve _never_ seen you like that. And then...then you go and kiss me...”

 

Otabek looked devastated and Yuri felt horrible. A long, awkward silence permeated the room and Yuri wasn’t sure what was about to happen, but a sense of trepidation was in the air.

 

“I think I need to sleep alone tonight,” Otabek said suddenly, voice gravelly.

 

_Wait, what?_

 

“What? Why?” Yuri asked in a panic.

 

Otabek looked more flustered and upset than Yuri had ever seen him, and he was beginning to fear where this was going.

 

“God, Yura, I don’t know, okay! I’m sorry, I think we both just need some space, please. Just...just until morning, I…”

 

Yuri’s eyes narrowed as a familiar icy cold feeling surrounded his heart. He knew what being left felt like all too well.

 

“So you want me to leave,” he said, voice devoid of emotion.

 

“No, god, of course not. _No_ ,” Otabek said, “I just...I think I’m going to sleep in the living room. Just to give us both time to think before we talk about this. You scared the living hell out of me tonight and then you go and kiss me like that and...I just need a night to breathe, and I think you need one, too.”

 

Yuri’s heart constricted.

 

_He’s going to break up with me._

 

“Beka, please,” he pleaded, trying to put emotion into his words so he’d understand.

 

“Just for a few hours, Yura,” Otabek mumbled, “You stay up here, take my bed. I’ll be on the couch and we can talk in the morning. I’m sorry, I love you, but I think we both need some space. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

 

Yuri watched helplessly as Otabek grabbed a pillow and headed out the bedroom door. He figured he should say something, do something to stop his boyfriend from leaving, but then the door closed and he left.

 

_He left._

_I mean, only downstairs but still…._

_I’m alone._

 

Yuri pulled out his phone, calling Yuuri this time.

 

 _“Yurio? You okay?”_ Yuuri mumbled over the phone.

 

_It’s good to hear his voice._

 

Yuri felt hysterical sobs building up inside him at the soothing voice. Yuuri picked up, he answered, even though he had just spent time talking to Victor. He _cared._

 

_I’m so fucking stupid._

_God, Beka…_

 

 _“Yuri? Are you alright?”_ Yuuri said more urgently, sounding much more awake. Yuri’s breathing increased in speed, his chest growing tighter and tighter at the thought of admitting what happened out loud.

 

 _“Breathe, Yuri,”_ Yuuri commanded, _“Can you put Otabek on the phone?”_

 

_No. No, I can’t._

_Oh god._

_I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone._

 

Yuri _sobbed._ Gut wrenching sobs, tears pouring down his face.

 

 _“Yuri, it’s okay,”_ Yuuri said soothingly, _“I need you to take a few deep breaths and tell me what’s going on.”_

 

“B-Beka…” Yuri choked out, shaking uncontrollably, “He...he…”

 

 _“What’s going on?”_ Victor’s voice came through the phone, _“Yurio, are you okay?”_

 

 _“What about Otabek, Yuri?”_ Victor asked, _“You’re scaring us!”_

 

“He...Beka, he...he...we had a f-fight…” Yuri sobbed, gasping at his chest. All semblance of control he had been building up for the past year seemed to have been smashed. He hadn’t realized how much he was using Otabek as a crutch until the support had been swept out from underneath him. He knew he was being overdramatic, given that Otabek was literally in the same house, but his mind was too twisted up with panic and shame to phrase it more clearly.

 

 _“A fight?”_ Yuuri gasped, _“Oh, Yuri…”_

 

 _“Yurio, I’m so sorry,”_ Victor said quietly, _“But the important thing right now is that you are alright. Are you safe?”_

 

_Am I? I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m feeling._

 

“I d-don’t know,” he confessed quietly.

 

He heard Victor curse and say something quickly to Yuuri.

 

“Victor...,” he sobbed, clutching his stomach. He was breathing so erratically that it hurt his stomach and chest, causing him to double over.

 

 _“Yuri, hush, it's okay,”_ Yuuri’s calm voice soothed, _“Can you tell me more about what’s going on?_ ”

 

“I want you h-here,” he confessed, embarrassed at how young he sounded.

 

 _“I know, bratik,”_ Victor said sadly, “ _But we’re hours away. Can you please tell us what happened? Then we can help you.”_

 

Yuri felt no more shame or embarrassment. All of his feelings were out in the open and he no longer cared what Victor or Yuuri thought of him. He was already so pathetic, admitting his last confession wouldn’t cause anything worse to happen.

 

“I can’t take it anymore,” he sobbed.

 

He knew the words would sound more sinister than he meant them, like he was planning to hurt himself, but really, the confession was just an unloading of his feelings. Everything, all the stress and pain of his childhood, the horror and trauma of the year before, the aftermath, his terrible time with his meds, everything was just too much.

 

 _“Yurio, if you hang up, I will never forgive you,”_ Victor said harshly, a waver in his voice betraying fear, _“Promise you will stay on the line with me until we can help you. Can you try telling me what happened? You only hung up with me a little while ago.”_

 

_Should I tell him?_

 

“Beka’s mad at me,” Yuri sniffed, hiccuping a little.

 

_“Why is he mad?”_

 

“Because...he found out that I stopped taking my meds,” Yuri cried, face buried in his hands.

 

_Fuck, I can’t believe I just told him that._

 

_“You...how long, Yuri?”_

 

Yuri swallowed, hiccuping sobs overtaking him. “A few weeks.”

 

_“A few...weeks?”_

 

_Oh no, he’s angry, too._

 

 _“Yurio,”_ Yuuri cut in, _“Does your doctor know about this?”_

 

“She...knows I’ve thought about it,” Yuri admitted quietly, “But...not that I’ve been off of them for so long.”

 

 _“Yuri, you need to go find Otabek right now,”_ Yuuri said firmly, “ _I know you had a fight, but you shouldn’t be alone. And I’m sorry, but we’re flying out to get you tomorrow. You need to come home and see your doctor.”_

 

_What? No!_

 

“What...but I just _got_ here…” Yuri said, tears welling up in his eyes again, “Please, I…”

 

 _“As your guardians, we’re putting our foot down,”_ Victor chimed in, _“What you’re doing is dangerous. You need to come home. You can visit Kazakhstan again when you are healthy. You have to take care of yourself, Yurio.”_

 

Yuri cried for a little while, begging with them to change their minds, but he knew it was a lost cause.

 

_Maybe...maybe they’re right._

 

 _“We’ll call Mrs. Altin in the morning and explain everything,”_ Yuuri said, _“But right now, you need to go be with Otabek, even if it’s just in the same room.”_

 

Part of Yuri hated them a little, but a larger part was grateful that someone else was taking control for a change. He stood, promising that he was heading downstairs. He found his way to the living room before seeing a large shape on the couch. Unsure if his boyfriend was asleep or not, Yuri said goodnight to Victor and Yuri, promising he was safe, before hanging up and walking over to the couch.

 

“Beka?” he asked, trembling. Otabek stirred, blinking up at him blearily.

 

“Yura? What’re you doing down here?” he mumbled, looking as if he had been crying too.

 

Yuri rubbed at his eyes with his hand. “Victor and Yuuri...I told them I went off of my meds. They’re making me go back to Russia.”

 

Otabek’s eyes widened, but he lifted an arm, offering a spot in his arms to Yuri. Settling in to the spot on the couch, Yuri felt a snug arm wrap around his waist and Otabek’s heartbeat behind him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Otabek said softly, “But I think it’s for the best. I’m sorry we fought I just...I’m so worried for you.”

 

Yuri snuggled closer. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”

 

_God, I want him to come back with me. Asking won’t hurt, right?_

 

“Will...will you come back to Russia with me?” he asked nervously.

 

Otabek squeezed his arm gently. “If that’s what you need, of course. I’ll do anything, Yura. I just want you to get better.”

  
Yuri relaxed a little, knowing Otabek would be coming with him, sensing he had a long and difficult road ahead.

 

_But at least I won't have to face it alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of medication, nightmares, panic attacks
> 
> So, LOTS OF EMOTIONS. 
> 
> We will be going back to Kazakhstan later in the fic, but Yuri's health needs to be addressed first.


	3. Scars Can Heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you for all of your wonderful kudos and comments. I really appreciate it!

 

Yuri hadn’t slept at all.

He was furious. A burning anger pulsed through him, flushing his body with heat. He was angry at a lot of things, but mostly he was angry at himself.

_I’m so fucking weak. God...and Beka. I know he’s worried, but fuck him for blaming this on my meds. No, ugh, I shouldn’t be mad at him._

When the light finally broke through the windows, he felt Otabek shift behind him, murmuring sleepily. The blankets moved around them causing a rush of cold air to come through on the couch. Yuri sighed, stretching a little.

“Yura, you awake?” Otabek mumbled.

“Yeah,” Yuri said, voice betraying his tiredness, “Couldn’t sleep.”

Otabek sat up, yawning. Yuri sat up too, scooting over to the edge of the couch. Otabek leaned over and turned on a light, rubbing his eyes at the sudden brightness.

“You doing okay?” Otabek asked.

Yuri shrugged. He had a lot to say, but he feared the Altins overhearing the conversation, or worse, Otabek’s sister.

“Beka, does Svetla speak English at all?” Yuri asked casually, ignoring the question as he played with the hem of his shirtsleeve.

“What?” Otabek asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “No, my parents know some, though. Why?”

Taking a deep breath, Yuri switched to speaking English, “Because I want to tell you what the fuck is on my mind and I don’t want to scar your sister in case she can hear me.”

Otabek raised his eyebrows in surprise. They never spoke in English unless they were around other skaters, since they both spoke Russian. This was the first time Yuri had ever spoken English while they were alone together.

“Um...alright,” Otabek said, switching to English as well, “What are you thinking?”

_A lot of things. Everything._

“I have to say some things to say, and they can’t wait,” Yuri said.

Otabek looked like he was bracing himself. “Okay, Yura. I’m listening.”

_Don’t freak out at him. Don’t do it. It’s not his fault. Breathe._

“What the _fuck_ is the matter with you?” Yuri growled, standing up from the couch, “I had a fucking _panic attack_ last night and you just fucking left me up there? Did you know I had another one after?”

Otabek’s eyes widened at the sudden outburst of emotion, jaw hanging open like a fish out of water. Yuri’s eyes blazed as he paced back and forth, running an frustrated hand through his hair.

_God, why am I yelling at him? This isn’t his fault but I_ **_can’t stop._ **

“And goddamn, now I have to fucking leave?” Yuri cried, “I was just getting used to being here and now I have to go home and deal with all this shit because of these _stupid fucking medications,_ and all I wanted to do was spend some time with my _fucking boyfriend.”_

“Yura...”

“No!” Yuri interrupted furiously, “I just want to have _one day,_ just _one day_ where someone isn’t reminding me of what a fuck up I am! Goddamn it, Beka!”

_Stop yelling at him! What is wrong with you?_

Otabek was still looking at him in shocked silence, not interjecting anything. Yuri was aware that he was yelling, and loudly, and he hoped it wasn’t disturbing anyone else.

“Shit, why can’t I just be _normal?_ It’s like...this house! You have a perfect family, a perfect fucking life, and I can’t...I can’t have that! I just wanted one _fucking_ day!”

_God, it feels good to yell. I don’t even know what I’m yelling about._

“I’m just so _fucking_ sick of all of this!” he screamed. He caught another figure out of the corner of his eye, watching them warily. Feeling guilt clench in his stomach, he looked over to see Mrs. Altin standing in the doorway.

“So _there_ you are,” Mrs. Altin said in English, looking at him with a sad smile, “I’ve been waiting for that.”

_What, for me to fucking lose my mind? What is she on about?_

“Waiting…” Yuri began, unsure of what she meant.

“To see _you,”_ she said softly, “I bet that felt good to get off of your chest, right?”

Yuri nodded, a bit embarrassed.

“Come on,” she said, switching back to Russian, “Let’s make some breakfast.”

Yuri followed her, rathered shamefacedly, into the kitchen. Otabek rose and followed shortly after, neither saying a word. They helped Mrs. Altin make breakfast in silence, Yuri feeling like he had been scolded, though no words were said. Otabek was stirring batter for pancakes and Yuri wordlessly handed him a bag of chocolate chips, hoping he’d take it as an apology for how he had yelled earlier. Otabek accepted them with a smile, and Yuri relaxed.

_Okay, we’re okay._

“I got an interesting phone call this morning,” Mrs. Altin said, breaking the silence. Yuri looked up from where he was cutting some fruit slices and Otabek turned to face her from the stovetop.

“From Victor?” Yuri guessed.

She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry you have to leave us, Yura. I wish we had more time with you.”

_So do I._

“We’ll be back here together soon, mom,” Otabek chimed in brightly, “As soon as we can.”

_Yeah. As soon as I can get my shit together._

She nodded, continuing to help prepare breakfast. After a time, Yuri heard her begin to hum something, an old Russian lullaby that he remembered from his mother. He said nothing, but listened intently at each note, willing it to bring back good memories.

_I may not have a family like Beka’s, but I do have some good memories, and they’re mine. I should hang on to them._

When everything was finished, they set the table and laid out the food, beginning to eat quietly. Eventually, the pitter-patter of small feet announced Svetla’s arrival as she clambered into a chair, eagerly taking a pancake.

“Good morning, dear,” Mrs. Altin smiled.

“Hi, mom,” Svetla answered before turning to look at him, “Yura, why are you sad? I heard you crying.”

_Aw, fucking hell._

Otabek looked at him nervously, but Yuri swallowed hard and resolved to be honest. “I...uh...had a bad dream.”

She nodded, looking far older than her age. “I’ve had bad dreams before. It helps if you think of something good. Like dancing or your favorite toys.”

_Or ice skating…_

“Thanks, Svetla,” he mumbled, “That’s a good idea.”

The breakfast continued in quiet contentment, Yuri sharing some warm glances with Otabek every few minutes. Yuri was still embarrassed by his outburst from the morning, but he could tell that things were alright between them.

A sudden knock on the door interrupted breakfast and Mrs. Altin stood to go open it.

_That’s gotta be them._

Suddenly not caring about keeping up with appearances, Yuri rose and practically ran to the door as Mrs. Altin opened it, seeing Victor and Yuuri standing in the threshold.

Without thinking, Yuri launched himself into Victor’s arms. He felt Victor jump in surprise, but quickly respond by wrapping his arms around him. Feeling eyes on him, he pushed away his fear of judgement and just let himself be held.

“Hey, Yurio,” Victor said quietly and Yuri almost melted in his arms, trying not to be embarrassed with how much more relaxed he was. The realization of how much he had grown attached to both Yuuri and Victor struck him like lightning.

_When did home mean them? When did they become my family?_

_I mean, they’re still gross and Victor’s still a jerk, but..._

“Hey,” he mumbled, buried in Victor’s collar, “If you tell anyone I hugged you like this, I will kick you in the face.”

Victor laughed, pulling away so Yuuri could hug him, too. Yuuri’s hugs were rarer than Victor’s, the Japanese skater being less comfortable with casual touch. He had mentioned to Yuri once that being tactile with people sometimes could heighten his anxiety, and so he prefered to be hands-off a lot. In rare moments, he would be physical on his own terms, so Yuri learned to treasure each hug he received.

“It’s good to see you looking okay,” Yuuri murmured in his ear, “We’ve been so worried.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered guilty, face reddening. Yuuri opened his mouth to speak, but a high-pitched screeching noise caused them all to jump, looking at the source.

Svetla had obviously noticed Yuuri in the doorway. She screamed, running towards them, hair flying like crazy behind her. Practically leaping, she flung herself around Yuuri’s waist, shouting excitedly in Kazakh.

Yuuri looked up with an expression of _help me_ written all over his face, and Yuri snorted. Otabek rolled his eyes, leaning down and prying his sister off of Yuuri’s legs.

“Svetla, Yuuri doesn’t speak Kazakh,” he reminded gently, “You could try Russian. He knows a little.”

Beaming, she looked up at Yuuri like he had hung the moon. “You’re Katsuki Yuuri!” she cried in Russian this time, grinning from ear to ear, “You’re my favorite skater in the whole world! Next to Otabek, of course.”

Yuuri actually blushed, tips of his ears turning bright red. “Really? Wow…”

“She has a poster of you on her wall,” Yuri grinned.

_This is hilarious._

Yuuri turned even more red as Svetla raced upstairs, presumably to get her poster. Sure enough, a few moments later she flew back down, skidding into the front entrance and pushing the poster and a pen into Yuuri’s hands.

“Will you please sign it?” she asked excitedly, bouncing up and down. Yuuri looked slightly bewildered, but he signed it all the same. Svetla beamed, taking it back with a breathless _thank you._

“It’s so kind of you to come to our home,” Mrs. Altin gushed, looking a little starstruck herself at Victor’s presence. Meanwhile, Otabek looked like he wanted to melt into the floor.

_Aw, Beka, it’s okay._

_It’s fucking hilarious, actually._

“Of course,” Victor said, “But I’m sad to say that we can’t stay too long. We’ve got another flight to catch.”

_Oh. Right. I almost forgot they’re here because we’re leaving._

“I’ll grab your stuff, Yura,” Otabek murmured, heading upstairs. Mrs. Altin continued to make polite conversation with Victor while Svetla chatted excitedly to Yuuri. Mr. Altin came out of his office, introducing himself. Yuri stood to the side saying nothing until a thought struck him.

_Oh shit, I didn’t pack at all. My shit is everywhere, I should go._

“I’m going to help Beka,” he said softly, “I uh...kind of didn’t pack yet…”

“Oh, Yurio…” Victor trailed off, rolling his eyes with a smile.

Yuri smiled wryly before he turned and walked up the stairs, feeling a sadness come over him as he passed the wall of family photos. The picture that had struck him on his first day of arrival of the Altins at the beach caught his attention again. He tried to imagine his own family in the photo, but he couldn’t. Strangely, he could imagine it with his friends, but try as he might, he felt uncomfortable thinking of his family in such a casual, loving picture.

_I’ll just add it to the list of things I need to talk about in therapy._

Heading into his boyfriend’s room, he saw Otabek gently putting his things in his suitcase with a sad expression on his face. Yuri walked over, wrapping his arms around Otabek’s back, closing his eyes and feeling the other relax under him.

“Yura…” Otabek murmured, resting their hands together, “I’m sorry everything happened like this.”

“Me too,” Yuri mumbled, “I’m sorry for yelling at you this morning. I was just...angry at myself, and I took it out on you.”

Otabek turned around and kissed him softly before pulling away, “It’s alright. I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you last night. I was just scared.”

Yuri kissed him back gently, relishing the quiet moment of peace. “You’ll come to Russia in a few days, right?”

Otabek nodded. “Yeah. I promise.”

They continued to pack in silence, a few kisses exchanged. After probably far too long, they came downstairs with all of Yuri’s things. Yuri hugged Svetla goodbye before Mrs. Altin pulled him into a tight embrace, kissing his cheek.

“You are _always_ welcome in our home, Yura,” she said fiercely. Yuri tensed for a moment, but she continued to hug him and he felt himself relax, eyes closing as she held him.

_So this is what it’s like to be hugged by a mom who actually gives a shit about me._

“Thank you,” he said quietly, hoping she got the meaning behind the words. With a final shake of Mr. Altin’s hand and a final kiss goodbye to Otabek, Yuri followed Victor and Yuuri out the door and into the cab.

_Why am I so sad to leave? I’ll see Otabek in less than a week._

_Is it because I’m leaving their house?_

_Is this how people feel when they say goodbye to their families?_

* * *

 

The flight was nothing compared to some of the flights Yuri had endured during his Olympic season, but it was still hard to be crowded on the plane. He didn’t talk much, save for the occasional words with Victor and Yuuri. Memories from his brief time in Almaty seemed to flash before his eyes and he found that his only desire was to return.

As the plane got closer to landing, Victor gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention, a worried look on his face.

“Yuri, you should know that someone leaked a photo of you and Otabek in Almaty,” Victor said while the seatbelt sign flashed, “I’m sorry, I should have warned you sooner. But it’s likely the press will be there to meet us when we land.”

_Fucking great._

The press had mostly left him alone since his silver medal win at the Olympics, but now that the excitement from the games had died down and skating was in the off-season, the blogs and websites had gone back to talking about the drug test leak from the pre-Olympic season. Yuri’s diagnoses were a popular discussion still among news sites and fans alike.

He wondered vaguely if he should ever give some kind of statement, but mostly he just felt it was no one’s business but his own. There was also the fear of details of his past being leaked to the media. Frankly, he found it astonishing that no one had reported his mother’s arrest yet, or the very public fight he had gotten into the year before.

_I’ve been really lucky, considering. At least all they know is my illness, not why I have it._

Sighing and gritting his teeth to prepare for the onslaught, Yuri was suddenly glad that he looked semi-presentable, in case there were cameras. He unconsciously fingered the braid on the side of his head, feeling Otabek’s presence there. Knowing he’d join them in a few days made Yuri feel a bit better about leaving Kazakhstan, but not much.

The announcement for the landing came on and Yuri took a deep breath to steady his nerves. When the plane touched ground, there was the awkward waiting period as the plane pulled up to the ramp. Finally they were able to exit the plane, heading out into the airport.

_I wonder how long before someone figures out we’re here._

“There they are!” someone cried, and Yuri felt his insides twist as he saw not only reporters, but what looked like a hoard of his fans as well.

_Great. Fuck, I just want to go home and see my cat._

“Mr. Nikiforov! Mr. Katsuki! Is it true Yuri Plisetsky has been staying with you-”

“-Yuri, do you have any words regarding the leak of your personal information-”

_This shit again?_

“Gentlemen! Gentlemen, a picture, if you please!”

“AH! THERE HE IS!”

The screaming of fans on top of the constant stream of questions from supporters was making him incredibly uneasy. He could tell that Yuuri was feeling the same, but both of them plastered on their press faces, while Victor took it all in stride.

_I honestly don’t know what wed've done if he weren’t here._

_Yuuri would mumble or give some impassioned speech and I’d swear, probably._

“Yuri Plisetsky, is it true that you are currently living with Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov? Can you give us details?”

_Why do they give a fuck?_

Yuri restrained himself from rolling his eyes as he waved off the questions. For some reason, the question of his living arrangement was on the forefront of all of the reporter’s minds.

_I should just tell them. It would give them something new to work with._

“Why were you flying from Kazakhstan?”

Yuri stopped walking and turned to face the press. He saw Victor swallow nervously from the corner of his eye.

_Don’t worry, Victor, I’m not here to cause a scene, just to give them something to work with that’s not awful._

“I was visiting Otabek Altin,” Yuri said, “My boyfriend. Victor and Yuuri were, too. Now we’re exhausted from our flight and we’d like to be getting home.”

“We?” a reporter interjected, “Are you saying you live with them?”

Yuri put a fake look of confusion on his face. “Well...yeah, of course. Didn’t know that wasn’t public knowledge.”

He heard an explosion of excited conversation and screeching from his fans in the corner. He was already imagining the tweets and posts being sent out and he was glad that the focus wouldn’t be solely on his mental health this time.

“Can you tell us how long you have lived with them?”

Yuri shrugged. “It’s been about a year. Again, why is this news? Look, I’m sorry, but we’re really exhausted and we want to be getting home.”

Walking away from the mob, Yuri was relieved when no one followed them. When they were a safe distance away, Yuuri put his hand on his shoulder and Victor looked at him in concern.

“Yuri, the more information you give them, the more they will pry,” Victor said sadly, “I know I’ve told you to give statements in the past, but…”

“There’s no winning with the press, Victor,” Yuuri interrupted, “Maybe this will get them off his back for a while.”

_Yeah, I hope so._

* * *

**yuriangel4everrr:**

_GUYS GUYS GYUS ITS CONFRIMED YURI LIVES WITH THEM I CANNOT EVENEO MOFMOMF_

**plisetsky-altin:**

_OH MY GOD IT’S TRUE, I JUST SAW THE VIDEO. HE SAID IT. HE’S BEEN LIVING WITH THEM FOR OVER A YEAR_ **_O OH  MY GOD D_ **

 

**katsukiyuuriis:**

_Woah. I...did not see that coming. Holy shit. And guys...if it’s been a year, that’s right before he was prescribed those meds. Which means_ **_erudiaskater_ ** _was right in her post_ _here_ _where she talks about something having to had happened to him around that time. Do you think they took him in because of that?_

**mimipotter:**

_Oh my god I BET THEY DID. Remember how Yuuri stayed in Russia to train before the olympics and the japanese team was pissed? That was like RIGHT AFTER all that. Holy shit, it seems WAY too much of a coincidence, and besides, remember that rumor that yuri was all bruised up for a while?_

**patricialang02:**

_Okay, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but guys...let’s assume everything is true, right? So our timeline is sometime in january yuri p was prescribed medication to control PTSD, Panic Disorder, and Depression. That is complete fact, confirmed by the Olympic leak. Well, if you research PTSD, MOST OF THE TIME the worst of it is within a few months of the incident (obviously not in all cases, but let’s go with general here). Okay, so if that’s true and we back up a few months, we can reference_ _this post_ _about the girl who saw yuri p on the train with the bruises. It lines right up. I hate to think it...but it looks like he may have been assaulted._

**cucumberbumberbatch:**

_You don’t think he was abused, do you? Why else would he be covered in bruises and then go live with two people who aren’t his family?_

**mimipotter:**

_You know it’s weird...i can’t find anything on his family. Like, we know his agape skate was about his grandfather, but there’s nothing about his family or his parents. No names, records, anything. Even like D-list celebs have that kind of information on wikipedia._

**plisetsky-altin:**

_I don’t like where people are taking this. We can’t make these kind of assumptions about his life. If something really did happen to him, if he hasn’t talked about it yet, he probably won’t. I mean, obviously it didn’t affect his skating, he won silver at his first Olympics!_

**erudiaskater:**

_It’s not just assumptions though. Like...someone literally saw him on the train. With bruises. Looking like his life was over. Some serious shit happened to him and I’m glad he got help and is living somewhere safe._

Sighing, Yuri closed his laptop in his bedroom at the apartment. He knew that people were bound to be curious about his life, but he hoped he’d have a little more privacy than this.

_I don’t know what I was expecting, really. Shit._

He decided to fight fire with fire, and pulled up his phone. He smirked into the camera, Kobi on his lap. After a quick edit, he added a caption.

**@yuri-plisetsky posted:** _taking some time to get my head together. sometimes you just have to stop, breathe, and take care of yourself. #mentalhealthawareness #goodtobehome #kobicat #imissotabekalready #seeyouinafewdays_

Collapsing back on his bed, he pet Kobi gently, her purring soothing him. Victor and Yuuri had given him space while he unpacked, but dinner was in a few minutes and Yuri knew he’d have to face the music sooner or later.

_Just a few more minutes...then I’ll talk._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! Please let me know what you think!


	4. I Am Everything I've Learned

“So, Yuri, tell us what happened,” Victor said, folding his hands on the table top and staring at him expectedly.

 

Having managed to drag himself out of his bedroom, Yuri was barely prepared to talk about what had transpired in Kazakhstan. He felt that he owed Victor and Yuuri both an explanation, but he was unsure of how to describe what had happened.

 

The three of them were sitting around the table, untouched bowls of soup in front of them. Yuri was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and was gently scratching Makkachin’s ears. He had been quiet for a while, both Yuuri and Victor making pleasant conversation while they waited for him to gain enough courage to speak.

 

They were both looking at him expectedly now, wanting him to explain himself.

 

_I wish I could, but I don’t fucking know what to say._

 

He opened his mouth to speak, but the thoughts were so twisted up inside his head that what came out first was not at all what he had intended to say.

 

“I thought I’d be better by now,” he blurted, face burning.

 

_Shit, that’s not at all what I meant._

 

Yuuri and Victor shared a worried glance before looking at him in concern. Yuri was exasperated, hating that he couldn’t control his words.

 

“Is that why you stopped taking your medication?” Yuuri asked gently, while Victor furrowed his brow, as if deep in thought.

 

Yuri shrugged. “Not really. Mostly I just hate how they make me feel. I don’t feel like me, when I take them.”

 

_I don’t like myself when I take them. I don’t like what I can’t feel._

 

Yuuri frowned. “What do you mean?”

 

Yuri sighed, rubbing his forehead. He stopped petting Makkachin and moved his feet down to the floor. Unsure of how to explain himself, he opted for the first thought that popped into his mind.

 

“I…” he began slowly, “I just feel... _nothing_ when I’m on them. The last time...the last time I went off of them was during the Olympics. I accidentally forget to take them for a few days and...Beka and I we, uh…”

 

He was blushing like mad, but he wanted to explain what being off his meds made him do. Yuuri already knew what he was about to say, he was fairly certain, but he wasn’t sure if Victor knew.

 

Swallowing nervously, he continued. “We, um...did...stuff….with clothes on...but it was um...it was mostly because I thought...if we...had sex...it would mean I was better, and that I wouldn’t need my meds anymore.”

 

_This is so embarrassing._

 

“I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get better,” Yuri mumbled angrily, “It’s been over a goddamned _year._ But no matter what, it’s like I’m always taking two steps backwards.”

 

Yuri looked across the table at his friends. Victor looked pained, as if he was thinking of something difficult, while Yuuri remained calm, an unreadable expression on his face.

 

“Yuri, I know how hard this is,” Yuuri began, still very calm, “Believe me. But you can’t quit taking medications like that without talking to your doctor. Tapering off is one thing, but stopping completely is dangerous. It can lead to very bad side effects. Trust me, I know.”

 

_What? So he’s gone off of his before, too? Guess I’m not surprised._

 

He didn’t answer, instead he folded his arms across his chest and look expectantly at Victor, who had remained uncharacteristically silent during most of the exchange.

 

“Yurio,” Victor said finally, after a long moment had passed, “I don’t have experience taking medications myself, so I can’t speak to you about them the way Yuuri can. I do think you should see your doctor as soon as possible, but for now, I’d like you to tell us a bit more about what happened in Kazakhstan. You really scared us.”

 

_Fuck, I know. God. Why is this so hard? I wish I could make all of this go away, I wish I didn’t have to deal with this shit…Oh, right, I’m supposed to be talking._

 

“After Beka found out I was off of my meds,” Yuri began, “He got really upset. He told me he needed a night to get his head together and right after he woke me up from the dream, he left and went downstairs. That’s when I called you and I was...crying.”

 

Victor frowned. “He...left you? Even though he knew you were having a panic attack?”

 

Yuri nodded. “I don’t blame him, not really. It was the first really bad one he’s seen, and the first real night terror. And we were already arguing about my meds before, anyway. In the morning, before you came, he apologized. He said he was scared, but...it didn’t feel like enough.”

 

Yuuri shared another worried glance with Victor before turning his attention back to the younger skater.

 

“What do you mean?” Yuuri asked softly.

 

_God fucking dammit._

 

Huffing angrily, Yuri had to steel himself from standing up and throwing a tantrum.

 

“It’s not enough,” he repeated angrily, “My meds aren’t enough, therapy’s not enough, fuck, even _winning an Olympic medal_ wasn’t enough. Beka’s apology wasn’t enough. I...being in his house...it was so…”

 

Losing control, he stood, banging the table in frustration. “It was so damn _unfair!_ He gets two parents, not one, but _two_ who love him and they have a fucking wall of family photos and they cook him dinner and they...they...fuck they _love_ him and it’s _not fair.”_

 

_Holy fuck...I’m jealous._

 

“Yurio, you have that, too,” Victor soothed, seeing Yuri’s distress, “You have us. Yuuri and me. I know we’re not your parents, but…”

 

Yuri swallowed, a lump in his throat. He felt beyond indebted to both of them, but Victor didn’t understand. They were here, they were here _now_ , but there was a whole childhood that he would never, ever get back no matter what.

 

“I don’t think I’m good enough for Otabek,” Yuri mumbled, not responding to what Victor had said, “I don’t think I’m stable enough to be in a relationship, at least not right now.”

 

_Shit...do I mean that? God, what am I even saying anymore?_

 

“Yuri, that’s pretty serious,” Yuuri said worriedly, “Have you talked to Otabek about this?”

 

Yuri shook his head, “His family is too perfect! I’ll never fit in! If his parents find out what I did...they won’t want Svetla around me, let alone Otabek.”

 

“You don’t know that,” Victor exclaimed, eyes bright.

 

“Yes, I do,” Yuri scowled, crossing his arms, “What kind of parent wants their son dating a _whore?”_

 

“Yuri, don’t call yourself that!” Yuuri exclaimed while Victor looked wounded.

 

“It’s the FUCKING TRUTH!” Yuri cried, chest tightening, “It’s the truth, and don’t try to deny it. It doesn’t matter, anyway. It’s not like _I_ matter. What am I good for, besides skating?”

 

_Ah, fuck, I didn’t mean to say that outloud._

 

There was a silence in the kitchen as Yuri stood, breathing hard. Yuuri was gripping the edge of the table, his knuckles white. Victor had stood also, half reaching for Yuri, and half looking as if he was trying to hold back.

 

“You need to see your therapist today,” Victor croaked, “Yuri, you’re not stable.”

 

_I know, I know, I know. I can’t even tell what are my thoughts and what is just random shit spewing from my mouth. I don’t want to break up with Beka, but god, why does he even want to date me?_

_And I’m a fucking whore, anyway, so who cares?_

_Ugh, no, fuck, where is all of this coming from? I was doing so well._

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, Yuri was sitting uncomfortably on his therapist’s couch. Victor and Yuuri had driven him there and were both in the waiting room. His therapist had been surprised at the sudden appointment, but once Victor assured her of the seriousness of Yuri’s mental state, she had agreed to see him, despite the late hour.

 

He had given his therapist the run down of the past few weeks, and he had also confessed his discontinuation of his medication. She hadn’t been very happy with him, but she had listened as he talked about his feelings.

 

“So, Yuri,” she said, “Are you willing to try an adjustment to your medication?”

 

He shrugged. “I guess.”

 

Shifting in her seat, she wrote something down quickly. “Alright. I think we’re just going to try you on the Xanax, with an adjustment to your dosage. After it’s had a chance to get in your system, we can assess how you are feeling about it and see if we need to make any changes."

 

_Whatever. I don’t care. God, I just want...I don’t even know what I want anymore. I haven’t felt this tangled up since...right after it all happened._

 

“Yuri, are you listening?” she asked gently, and he realized that he had been drifting.

 

He shrugged again, not trusting himself to speak.

 

“I was saying that holding this all in is hurting you,” she said, “Sometimes, keeping things private, or secret, can actually make them worse.”

 

“Are you fucking telling me I should tell the press?” Yuri seethed, eyes narrowing.

 

_She’s got to be out of her mind._

 

“No, not unless you want to,” she said softly, “But Yuri, you need to be open about your feelings with someone besides Otabek. I know you said you tell Yuuri and Victor a lot, but from what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like everything. In fact, you haven’t told anyone the complete truth of your feelings and if you don’t I can only think it will get worse.”

 

_This is ridiculous. I can’t fucking….ugh….I’m so twisted up I can’t even think...everything is just...ugh!_

 

_FUCK._

 

“I DON’T CARE!” Yuri exploded, standing up furiously, “I DON’T! I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS! I DON’T GIVE A _FUCK!_ ”

 

She sat silently behind her desk, hands folded. It irritated Yuri how patiently she sat, how unemotional she was.

 

_Fuck her. Fuck this. Fuck Victor and Yuuri for bringing me here. Fuck Otabek for not staying with me that night. Fuck my mom for what she did. Fuck my grandpa. Fuck Pavel and those assholes. And FUCK the media for their shit._

 

_Just...fuck!_

 

Yuri had nothing else he could say. He had run out of words, run out of ways to cope, run out of things to try. He had absolutely no idea what to do other than to unleash emotion. The trouble was, he had no idea what emotion he was feeling. Standing in the middle of the office, his fists were clenched at his sides and he was breathing hard.

 

_Sort through your thoughts. Like she taught you._

_Okay._

_I’m pissed off._

_I’m mad at...everyone. Everything._

_No, that’s a lie._

_I’m mad at myself._

 

Yuri collapsed back into his chair, rubbing his face with both of his hands. His breathing slowed down after a few minutes, his therapist giving him time to calm down.

 

“I’m mad at myself,” he mumbled, knowing she’d ask what was on his mind, “And I can’t keep my head straight.”

 

She nodded, listening intently. “I understand, Yuri, I do. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are making progress. Why don’t you tell me more about your anger?”

 

Yuri took a deep breath, and began talking.

 

* * *

 

**Skating Brady Bunch: Russia’s Victor Nikiforov and Japan’s Katsuki Yuuri Discovered to be Russia’s Yuri Plisetsky’s Guardians**

**Yuri Plisetsky: What Caused the Problem for Russia’s Ice Prince?**

 

**plisetsky-altin:**

_so guys...it’s been pretty quiet on their social medias. Do you think something happened?_

 

**mimipotter:**

_Again with the assumptions. We shouldn’t be doing that. Just because they haven’t posted anything doesn’t mean something bad happened to Yuri._

 

**pilokobta:**

_Guys...did you see_ _this ( X)? _ _It just got posted. I...I don’t even know what to say._

 

**s8erl8er:**

_Holy shit. Guys...oh my god. Poor Yuri omg no wonder we didn’t know anything about his parents his mother is in fucking PRISON_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My point with this chapter was to illustrate that sometimes, mental illness gets the better of you and you don't fucking know _why_. It can be so incredibly frustrating when you have all of those feelings racing through you and you can't do anything about it. This is a shorter chapter than the others in this fic because it's kind of an interlude into what's going to happen next.


	5. Hear a Voice Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: mentions of past rape/non-con, brief mention of child neglect

**Russia Olympic Silver Medalist Yuri Plisetsky’s Mother In Prison**

**Russian Skater’s Mother Imprisoned for Prostitution and Drug Use: The Skating Community Reacts**

**Imprisoned Mother of Russian Figure Skating Star Goes Back to Court Amid Further Allegations**

**Yuri Plisetsky’s Mother Under Investigation for Child Neglect**

**Mental Health and Sports: How Yuri Plisetsky’s Tragic Olympic Year is Inspiring a Generation of New Athletes**

**Russian Olympic Federation Gives Press Statement Regarding Yuri Plisetsky**

 

“Yuri, stop looking,” Victor murmured, causing Yuri to look up from his phone. It was the morning after his therapy session when the news had broken. The source of the leak was unknown, yet the rumors were still spreading like wildfire.

 

Yuri had expected to feel worse if something like this happened, but instead a cool indifference flooded his veins, a numbness spreading from his head to his toes.

 

_I’m not sure if it can get any worse, but I really don’t want to tempt fate. It seems to like fucking with me._

 

He was curled on top of his bed, cat in his lap and snuggled in Otabek’s hoodie. Yuuri was sitting in a chair towards the end of his bed and Victor was sitting on the windowsill, both looking at him in concern. Yuri hadn’t said a word since the news leaked; he was quiet and cold. A fierce kind of chill was in his eyes, the same look he used to defend himself.

 

_Eyes of a soldier. Haven’t failed me yet._

 

Ignoring Victor, Yuri continued to shift through the various articles and posts until he found the scores of posts on social media.

 

**plisetsky-altin:**

_oh my god you guys. I...I don’t even know what to think this is so fucking horrible_

 

**thrashxskater:**

_this is so shitty. did you read the article? she was arrested right around the time he was diagnosed and put on all of those meds...oh my god…_

 

**gorgonzolia:**

_Guys...you don’t think his mom hurt him do you? My poor bby :’(_

 

**hawthornenchee:**

_Honestly, I think this makes his olympic win that much more impressive. Not only was he dealing with mental illness, but his mother was arrested and he lost his home. Did you see the last paragraph of this (x) article? It looks like he was forced to move out of his home, hence why he lives with Yuuri K and Victor. His grandfather’s in a nursing home now, so I guess he had no place to go._

 

**felidan:**

_but we can’t just make assumptions about stuff. i mean if his mom did hurt him that explains it but...i dunno, i feel like it’s worse than that. The ptsd and stuff...i just...i dunno, it seems really... extreme. I can’t shake a bad feeling that it was something worse..._

 

Yuri’s expression didn’t change as he read through the posts. He knew now he had several options. Either he could ignore the stories about him, as he had been doing, staying mainly positive and ignorant during any interviews, or he could take some kind of drastic action.

 

_Obviously I’m not telling anyone that I worked in the red light district, that would destroy my career. But...other stuff. I mean...does it matter at this point? There’s no way I’d have the courage to go public with what happened to me last year. But what if I...I dunno._

 

Sighing, Yuri put his phone down, ignoring a text from Otabek. He was already feeling bad enough after his outburst coming home from Kazakhstan, he didn’t want to keep dragging his boyfriend into his complicated life. Yuuri and Victor were clearly extremely worried about him, staring as if waiting for him to explode. He was sure his apparent emotionlessness was probably disturbing them more than a confrontation would.

 

_I’m not sure how I feel about this. I...it’s almost a relief, I guess. But it’s one more thing that I have to explain, I just…I wish none of this happened. Fuck, my brain is still so scrambled…_

 

“Yurio?” Yuuri asked softly, “Tell us what you’re thinking.”

 

Yuuri and Victor both still knew to phrase things as statements, not questions, when they really wanted answers from him. The statements pressed him to talk more and so he opened his mouth to try and explain. Words filled his head, rushing, flashing, _screaming_ in his brain. He desperately tried to grab them from his mind and push them out his mouth, but all he could manage was a shrug.

 

_Fuck, why can’t I say anything? Jesus, am I losing my mind?_

 

His mouth opened, shut, opened, and shut again. Victor was staring expectantly at him with his arms crossed, sharing a concerned glance with Yuuri, something they had done an awful lot in the past few days.

 

_My head is still so mixed up I don’t…_

_Okay, sort your thoughts._

_Fuck._

_I._

_Can’t._

 

“Yuri,” Victor said firmly, pulling him out of his pensive thoughts, “I need you to tell us what’s going on in your head right now.”

 

Yuri’s eyes snapped up, locking onto Victor’s worried face. He took a deep breath and tried again.

 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, the first words he had spoken all day. Yuuri leaned back in his chair, relaxing a little. Victor stood, moving to sit on the end of the bed, looking at Yuri intently, as if waiting for something.

 

_I guess I should explain._

 

“I…” he began in trepidation, “I...don’t think I care…”

 

He marveled at the words, realizing that they were true. He _didn’t_ care, not about his mom’s story getting out, at least. It was too much effort to care.

 

 _Thinking_ was too much of an effort.

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise, but he nodded in encouragement for Yuri to continue. Bracing his hands at his sides, Yuri took a deep breath, trying to make the words come to his lips. Images flashed through his mind, a whisper of a melody, the sound of raindrops on the window, his mother high and stumbling through the street.

 

Himself as a child, screaming and covered in blood.

 

_Focus on what’s in front of you._

_I can’t...everything is so much and nothing all at the same time._

_It’s just...empty and overfilled all at the same time._

_Goddamn, I don’t even make sense to myself anymore._

_I’m so fucking exhausted._

 

He stared at the wall, eyes icy and hard. Toying with the hem of his shirtsleeve, Yuri attempted to bring himself to an emotional place where he could articulate his thoughts. Feeling detached from his own emotions was a dizzying experience, mind-numbing and dull.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Yuri mumbled, pulling on a loose thread on the comforter, “It doesn’t matter.”

 

“What doesn’t matter?” Yuuri asked gently, a look of concern flashing through his eyes while Victor scooted a little closer.

 

Yuri closed his eyes, an image of Otabek’s warm eyes burning through his mind.

 

_Beka, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m the worst fucking boyfriend ever._

 

“Everything. All of it,” Yuri mumbled softly, “I just...it doesn’t matter. Everyone knows and I don’t care.”

 

Victor shared a quick look with Yuuri before trying his own tactic. “Yurio, just because they found out about your mother, doesn’t mean they know about _everything,”_ he soothed, “You still have your privacy.”

 

Yuri nearly laughed out loud.

 

_Privacy? You’ve got to be fucking kidding._

 

“I don’t care,” Yuri repeated dully, “I really don’t.”

 

Yuuri moved so he was sitting next to Yuri on the bed. Normally, the closeness would’ve been of comfort to him, but now it bothered him. He wanted to bury himself under the covers of his bed and sleep for years, uninterrupted by the twisted garbage that had become his life.

 

_This is taking too much energy._

_I wish they’d just leave me the fuck alone._

_I want to sleep._

 

His phone buzzed next to him, another worried text from Otabek. Yuri set his phone facedown on the bedside table and burrowed under his blankets wordlessly. He could feel Victor and Yuuri’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Cocooning himself in the sheets, Yuri allowed his eyes to drift close.

 

_I’m so tired._

_Fuck._

_I just want to sleep._

 

Yuri felt a soft touch as the blankets were tucked around him and someone smoothed back the hair on his forehead.

 

_My mom used to do this._

_Back when she cared._

 

“Yuri, I’m so sorry,” Victor whispered, “I wish we could do something to make it easier on you.”

 

“Sleep, Yurio,” Yuuri murmured and the bedroom lights switched off, leaving Yuri to his dreams.

 

_I wish…_

_It doesn’t matter._

 

Yuri fell into an exhausted slumber and he didn’t dream at all.

 

* * *

 

Yuri awoke some time later to the sound of argumentative whispers coming from the kitchen. He was unsure how long he had been resting, but judging by the light in the room it had to be several hours at least.

 

“How long has he been asleep?”

 

_Shit...is that Beka? Goddamn it, why is he here? Fuck, I...I haven’t sorted through my shit I don’t want to drag him into this again...now that I know how nice his family is...fuck…_

 

“Since this morning,” Victor responded, “But Otabek, he’s...not himself. He…”

 

There was a quiet pause before Yuuri chimed in.

 

“I think this may be his breaking point,” Yuuri added, “He’s fought for a year to get better and now, I don’t think he believes that he can.”

 

“Fuck,” Otabek cursed, sounding like he was almost in tears, “What am I supposed to _do?_ He’s shutting me out, I know it. I...I don’t know how to be there for him! I’m so afraid I’ll say or do the wrong thing, like the other night.”

 

“When he had the panic attack?” Victor asked.

 

“Yeah,” Otabek mumbled, “I didn’t know what to do! I was so scared and so upset and so _fucking_ helpless, that I let him just...I left him! I felt so terrible, but I was scared, and it’s no excuse. I’m worried I’m not enough support for him.”

 

_Jesus. Beka…_

_I can’t deal with his shit on top of mine._

_This is too much._

 

“Otabek…”

 

“No!” Otabek cried, “I need to be there for him, but I’m scared that I can’t be. I’m scared that I can’t handle what he’s going through and that is _horrible._ I should be there for him, unquestioningly! I’ve tried, I really have, but…I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

Yuuri sighed. “Otabek, I know it’s hard. Believe me, I do, but you’re so good for Yuri and I know you love each other. Don’t let something like this ruin your relationship.”

 

“It’s not just this,” Otabek sniffed, obviously crying, “It’s... _everything._ You know, he never talks about...what happened. He did, once, but...he’s so closed off. I’m scared it’s eating at him and...god, one day it’s going to kill him and I can’t…”

 

A rock settled in Yuri’s chest, ice encasing his heart. He knew where this was heading, he had felt it too many times before. Otabek was going to leave. He was going to leave Yuri alone, just like his parents and so many others had done.

 

_Well fuck if I’m going to let him do it first._

_I’m sick of being left._

_I’m going to do the leaving, if that’s what they want._

_Shit, Yuri, no, don’t get ahead of yourself._

_Be calm._

_I can’t._

_Fuck._

_Just._

_FUCK._

 

Yuri stood, head swimming from being horizontal for so long. He was so tired, so unbelievably exhausted. He quickly took one of his new meds, wanting to make sure he was keeping some semblance of normalcy. Staring at his reflection in the mirror behind his door, Yuri hardly felt he knew who he was looking at anymore. Pulling his untidy hair into a ponytail, he stripped off Otabek’s sweatshirt and put on the black shirt of Victor’s that he loved, and slid on his grey sweatpants. The clothes were comforting and made him feel safe, as silly as it was to say.

 

Stepping out of his room, Yuri wordlessly walked into the kitchen, standing in the threshold with his arms folded. All three turned to look at him with varying degrees of concern.

 

“Yura…” Otabek breathed quietly, eyes still rimmed red. Yuri ignored him and continued to stand, as if daring them to continue their conversation.

 

“If you don’t think you can handle my shit, then get the fuck out now,” Yuri said softly, voice icy and hard. Victor and Yuuri were looking between them, both worried. Otabek was staring at him in horror.

 

“I’m not going to get any better anytime soon, so you might as well jet while you can,” Yuri continued, acting nonchalant, “I wouldn’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to deal with me, either.”

 

“Yuri, that’s not what I meant,” Otabek pleaded desperately, “Fuck, I…”

 

_No. I’m in control. Let me be in control of one thing._

_Don’t ruin it, Yuri._

_Don’t destroy this like you’ve destroyed everything else._

 

“If you can’t handle something like a panic attack,” Yuri said in a dangerously quiet voice, “How the fuck are you going to handle me when the press leaks that I was gang raped? When someone spills that I got paid for sex I didn’t want to have? How are you going to handle it when you have to explain to your parents that your boyfriend got raped _twice?”_

 

Referring to his encounter in the red light district as rape was something he was coming to terms with in therapy. He had come to the realization that while his intention was to do something sexual for money, he didn’t want it and he didn’t actually ever consent. It was messy, but in his head, it was rape. Otabek hadn’t heard him refer to it like that before, and it was obviously bothering him. His boyfriend had silent tears streaming down his face and Yuuri and Victor both looked like they were trying to restrain themselves from interrupting.

 

_Let me say this. I need to know he’s going to stay._

 

“My therapist thinks I should tell someone new about what happened to me last year,” Yuri continued in the same dangerous voice, “Would you let me tell your mom?”

 

It was a challenge and everyone knew it. Otabek swallowed nervously, obviously unsure of himself.

 

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I need to know, god, I just need to know…_

 

“My...mom?” Otabek choked out, “You want to tell...my mom?”

 

Yuri nodded, still standing in the doorway. “Would you let me?”

 

Otabek looked like a wild animal trapped in a corner. Yuri was putting him in an extremely difficult position, he knew that, and it was unfair. But he _needed_ to know that Otabek’s family wouldn’t force them apart. He needed to know that they’d accept him.

 

_Of course he’ll say no._

 

“I...god, Yura, if that’s what you want,” Otabek whispered, “It’s _your_ story. You don’t need my permission to tell anyone about what you had to go through.”

 

_Oh._

_God, I never give him enough credit, do I?_

 

“Okay,” Yuri exhaled, “Okay.”

 

Otabek stood, eyes still red rimmed, and walked over to the door. He seemed to be waiting to get closer, but Yuri didn’t budge.

 

“We can call my mom. She’ll fly here, even. She’s worried sick about you,” Otabek mumbled, “My whole family is. I...they love you, Yura. I love you. Can...can I hold you?”

 

_I don’t know what’s going on in my head._

_Do I want him to touch me?_

_Fuck._

_Maybe._

_Yes._

_I don’t know._

 

Pushing the thoughts from his mind, Yuri shuffled forward, dropping his head on Otabek’s chest. A few moments later, a pair of warm arms encircled him and Yuri relaxed a little.

 

_Okay._

_My head is such a fucking mess._

_I feel like my brain is an ouroboros, it’s eating itself._

_But....Beka and I...we’re okay._

_For now, at least._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so moved by the comments people are leaving on this fic. I can't tell you what it means to me to see people who are personally touched by this story, and I truly appreciate all your kind words and personal stories. This story (all three parts) really come from my heart and my head, so it means a lot to me that people are so invested.
> 
> No spoilers, but I will say that this IS the last installment in the fic, so EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) will be wrapped up. Maybe not neat and pretty with a bow, but at least sloppily with newspaper and masking tape. Also, it will probably be longer than 10 chapters, as some of these are spacing out differently than I had originally thought. I'm thinking 13-15.
> 
> Reference: An ouroboros is a symbol of a dragon eating it's own tail. It shows up in a lot of different mythology and I think it can be a really accurate representation of mental illness.


	6. Maybe I Can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: mentions of past rape/non-con, mentions of parental neglect and drug abuse, mentions of past prostitution

It was eight days after the news of his mother’s imprisonment had leaked. There were rumors about his mother going to court for child abuse, but as Yuri hadn’t been contacted by a lawyer, he figured they were all lies. Otabek was still staying with them, although Yuri wasn’t making much of an effort to socialize with him, or anyone.

 

He had spent the better part of the last eight days sleeping or simply laying in bed. A few days into it, Victor had dragged him to therapy, but he was so exhausted the session was basically worthless. A frantic Otabek had finally called his mother, begging her to come. Yuri figured that his boyfriend was willing to try anything to help him get better, including taking Yuri up on his offer to talk to his mother. She had agreed despite Otabek’s vague explanation, and was due to fly out later that day.

 

Yuri was trying to summon the energy to look somewhat presentable, but everything seemed too much effort. He was sluggish, each movement and task seemingly out of his ability to achieve. In a last ditch effort to pull himself together before her arrival, he halfheartedly rolled over in his bed, swinging his legs to the floor of his room. His head swayed from being horizontal for such a long time, the darkness of his bedroom making him feel like it was the middle of the night, despite the early hour.

 

Standing wearily, he headed over to his dresser, pulling on a white t-shirt and black jeans in an effort to look semi-decent. He turned to look in the mirror, scowling at his unkempt appearance. Tying his messy mane of blond back into a ponytail, he reached for Otabek’s familiar skating jacket and pulled it over him, the familiar scent lulling him into feeling secure. He quickly took his meds, knowing that going against his doctor’s advice now could be disastrous.

 

He could hear the sounds of breakfast being prepared and for the first time in over a week, Yuri left his room of his own accord. Heading into the living room, he headed over to where his cat was lying, stretched on the floor in front of the window in a beam of sunlight. Ignoring the humans in the apartment, Yuri laid on his stomach and pet his cat gently, the sound and feel of her purrs comforting him.

 

“Hi pretty girl,” he mumbled, scratching her ears. Yuri heard the _click click click_ of Makkachin’s nails as she came over, jealous of the cat getting all the attention. Snuffing in his ear, she licked his face before sitting down next to him.

 

“Okay, Makka, you too,” he said, rubbing her belly softly. The animals gave him something else to focus on, something safe and peaceful.

 

“I’m a little jealous,” Otabek’s amused voice said from behind him. Yuri started a little before rolling over and sitting up, eyeing his boyfriend standing behind the couch.

 

_We’re okay, aren’t we?_

_I don’t know._

_I guess it won’t matter after I talk to his mom._

 

“It’s time for breakfast,” Otabek said softly, “Want to join us?”

 

Yuri nodded, words stuck in his throat. He followed his boyfriend wordlessly into the kitchen where Yuuri and Victor greeted them with cheerful and surprised smiles. Yuri remained silent, sitting down in his chair and sipping some of the tea that was in a mug at his place. He wasn’t much hungry, his appetite affected by the transition to his new medication dosage. However, Yuri wasn’t really concerned with his appetite or his appearance, he was mainly worried about his lack of ability to speak with his boyfriend.

 

_Why do I feel like I can’t talk to him?_

_I love him, he loves me._

_If I can’t talk to him, how the hell am I going to talk to his mom? What was I thinking?_

 

No one commented on Yuri’s apperance, although he could tell they were pleasantly surprised that he had willingly joined them. He knew he had been reclusive the past week, the period of depression worse than he experienced in a while. Unsure if it was the differences in his medication or what had transpired in the media, Yuri hadn’t tried to fight it.

 

“My mom will be here in a few hours,” Otabek said, casual voice sounding forced, “She’s excited. She hasn’t been to St. Petersburg in years.”

 

_She’s excited to come see her son’s fucked up boyfriend? Yeah, right._

 

“We’ll have to show her the sights!” Yuuri exclaimed, “Victor, what if we take her to the rink this afternoon? She can see where the Russian team trains.”

 

_Yay. How exciting._

_After she finds out that her son is dating a complete fuck-up! I’m sure she’ll just love to go frolicking through the city. Damn._

 

Yuri ignored his food, just sipping his tea as his mind drifted. He appreciated that no one was trying to force him into conversation, although he sensed they were all waiting for him to say something.

 

“Beka, does your mom know why she’s coming?” Yuri asked quietly. Despite interrupting their conversation in a soft voice, they all heard and stopped talking immediately.

 

Otabek eyed him, clearly relieved that Yuri was speaking. “She knows something bad happened to you and I told her that you really needed a mom right now. That was all she needed to hear before she packed her bags.”

 

_Shit. God, she’s so fucking nice._

_Why is his family like that? It’s not fair…_

_No, don’t think about that now. Breathe, and talk._

 

Sliding down a little in his chair, Yuri toyed with the string on his teabag. “So, she doesn’t know I want to spill my deep, dark secrets?”

 

“No,” Otabek said softly, voice full of concern, “But Yura, she’ll listen. I promise.”

 

_That’s what scares me._

 

Yuri just sighed, going back to staring at the tabletop. The rest of breakfast faded by him in a blur, his mind twisted with nervous anticipation at the rest of the day ahead.

 

After they had finished eating, Yuri did manage to help clear the table before going to sit in front of the large bay window in the living room. It was one of his favorite spots to think, the city bursting with life below him. He could see for miles out of the window, even all the way to his former neighborhood.

 

Hours passed while he stared, occasionally interrupted by one of the others asking if he needed anything. He would shake his head each time, letting the sights and sounds of the city below lull him into their rhythm. Car horns honked, cyclists weaved their way through the streets, birds landed and flew off of the balcony. The scene drifted and morphed in front of him until the light shifted, indicating that it was early afternoon.

 

He supposed at some point one of them must have driven to the airport to pick up Otabek’s mother, because shortly after noon, the apartment door opened and a warm, familiar voice filled the apartment with rich laughter.

 

“My son seems to think he knows his way around this city,” Mrs. Altin laughed teasingly, “But he got us lost at least three times on the way here.”

 

_Oh no, she’s here? Fuck, I’m not ready._

 

 _“Mom,”_ Otabek groaned, “It was just because of the traffic, I wasn’t used to taking the side streets.”

 

“Mrs. Altin, it’s such a pleasure to have you in our home,” Yuuri said graciously, walking over and shaking her hand.

 

“Can we help you with your bags, Mrs. Altin?” Victor asked politely.

 

She laughed again, waving her hand. “Oh, no dears. It’s just the one. And no need to be so formal. It’s Lena, please. Mrs. Altin is my mother-in-law.”

 

There was another round of chuckling after that statement, quiet pleasantries exchanged. Yuri finally summoned enough courage to stand, tugging nervously on the hem of the Kazakh jacket.

 

“Yura!” Mrs. Altin beamed, seeing him come from the living room. She raced forward, pulling him into a soft, gentle hug. Yuri tensed at first, but just like back in Kazakhstan, he let her hold him, the sensation grounding him a little.

 

She pulled away after a minute, smoothing back the hair on his forehead and frowning. “Yura, are you feeling alright? You look pale as death.”

 

Yuri blushed like a scolded schoolboy. “Yes, ma’am,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Victor and Yuuri sharing one of their worried glances at the exchange.

 

_They probably don’t know why I’m being so formal. Well, I don’t know either, so…_

 

“Come on, dear. Let’s sit on the couch,” Mrs. Altin soothed, bringing Yuri over with her to sit down. Otabek sat in a living room chair across from them, hands twisting in his lap. Victor and Yuuri were sitting at the table, eyeing the scene with worry.

 

“I saw the articles,” she admitted softly, “I am so sad for you and your family.”

 

Yuri’s gut clenched. He _hated_ dealing with other’s pity, but he didn’t want to tell that to his boyfriend’s mother.

 

“Of course, I’m mostly just furious on your behalf,” she seethed, crossing her arms, “I mean, how in hell does a decent person do something like that to anyone, let alone a teenager?”

 

_What?_

 

“It’s awful,” she admonished angrily, “It’s terrible and I hope that they find out who leaked the information so your family can get some justice and peace.”

 

_Wow._

 

“Yura, you’ve been in our thoughts for days,” she said in a quieter voice, grabbing his hand gently, “My husband’s and mine. We told Svetla you weren’t feeling too well and she asked me to bring you this.”

 

Something hard and plastic was pressed into Yuri’s hand and he looked down to see a three-legged plastic horse, the same one that Svetla had said was her favorite on his first day in Almaty.

 

_Fuck. Why am I getting emotional over a stupid horse?_

 

“Thank you,” he whispered, clutching the horse tightly, “Ma’am-uh, I mean, Mrs. Altin…”

 

“It’s Lena, Yura,” she reminded him gently.

 

Yuri swallowed, feeling uncomfortable at using her first name. It was too informal, it wasn’t right, she was Otabek’s _mom…_

 

Blinking, Yuri shook his head a little, realizing he had been drifting. “I...I’m sorry. I...can’t call you that. It’s...it’s not respectful.”

 

She leaned back in surprise. “Who told you that?”

 

“My mom,” he said softly, “She said I always had to call adults with their proper titles.”

 

Mrs. Altin wore an unreadable expression, the same kind Otabek wore when he was deep in thought. She still had a gentle grip on Yuri’s hand, soothing him.

 

“Well, Yura, your mother taught you well,” she said carefully, “But to me, respect is calling others what they ask to be called. I’m asking you to call me Lena. If that is uncomfortable, try ‘Otabek’s mom’, or ‘hey-you-over-there,’ or even ‘Mrs. Lena,’ but no ‘Mrs. Altin’ or ‘Ma’am,’ okay? You’re family.”

 

Yuri swallowed, emotion welling up inside him.

 

_Family. She says family?_

_Does she mean it?_

 

“Okay…Mrs...Lena…” he tried, the words feeling strange on his tongue, “I...I’m sorry you flew out here for me.”

 

He saw Otabek wince a little at that and he could sense Yuuri and Victor’s eyes boring holes into the back of his head.

 

“Yura, don’t be sorry,” she said, “I am here to help.”

 

_Okay._

_Here goes._

_I guess._

_I mean...what could happen?_

_I could...I could lose Otabek…_

_Fuck._

 

“I...my therapist wants me to talk about what happened to me last year,” he mumbled, pulling away from her and gripping his arms, “To someone new. She thinks...it’ll help.”

 

Mrs. Altin’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Someone new? Yura, do you mean _me?”_

 

“Yes ma’am,” he whispered, forgetting for a moment that she had asked to be addressed more informally. She leaned towards him, a soft smile on her face.

 

“I admit, I’m a little surprised,” Mrs. Altin said, “But, Yura, honey, I’m honored that you trust me enough to tell me what happened. Otabek told us last year that it’s something very serious.”

 

Yuri nodded, still not looking her in the eye. He carefully set the plastic horse on the end table next to him and ran a hand through his hair. His mind flashed back to months before when he had been sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, sobbing the truth to Otabek. He had panicked then, but now he just felt numb.

 

_I don’t know if it’s the meds, me, or something else. But it doesn’t even feel like it happened to me anymore. It’s like it happened to someone else. Best just rip it off, like a band aid._

 

“I got raped twice last year,” he said bluntly, voice flat and emotionless as the brutal words forced their way past his lips. Mrs. Altin gasped and moved as if to reach for his hand before thinking better of it. Otabek’s face paled a bit, seemingly recalling the last time Yuri had opened up about this.

 

_I won’t get graphic in front of your mom, Beka, don’t worry._

 

“The first time, my family had just lost our house. I was living in an abandoned building and was alone. I refused to work for the sex traffickers in my neighborhood,” Yuri stated as calmly as if he was discussing the weather, “They were my mom’s dealers and wanted me working the corner. They found me, I said no, so they raped me.”

 

The room was completely silent, save for the _tick tick tick_ of the clock on the wall and Makkachin’s soft snoring. Otabek was looking in horror at Yuri, and Mrs. Altin had tears glistening in her eyes.

 

“The second time, I ran away and was starving,” Yuri continued, indifferent, “I needed food so I didn’t protest when a guy thought I was a wh-a prostitute. He fu...uh, he raped me in his car and paid me after. I didn’t try to stop him.”

 

Mrs. Altin had tears pouring down her cheeks now, looking completely horrified. Otabek had his hands gripped tightly on his pant legs, taking in deep breaths. Victor and Yuuri had heard it all before, as had Otabek, but they were still eyeing the scene warily. They knew better than anyone how unpredictable Yuri could become.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said in the same placid voice to Mrs. Altin, “I don’t deserve your son.”

 

Otabek opened his mouth to speak, but his mother got there first.

 

“I don’t want to hear you say that again,” Mrs. Altin said fiercely, grasping Yuri’s hand in a gentle, yet firm, grip, “Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault, Yura. It was the people that did it to you. It was _not_ your fault. You deserve love like everyone else.”

 

_It wasn’t your fault._

_It wasn’t your fault._

_It wasn’t your fault._

_I think...I think that’s the first time...anyone’s said that to me…_

 

Yuri sat there, shocked at the revelation. Mrs. Altin stood from her seat, walking over and pulling him into a tight hug. Yuri closed his eyes and felt the strength and love from her embrace seep into his bones.

 

_She...she knows, and she doesn’t care._

_It wasn’t your fault._

_You deserve love._

_It…_

_God, maybe...maybe it wasn’t all my fault._

 

Yuri returned the hug with a fierce grip, feeling sobs begin to well up inside of him. He hadn’t unleashed any emotion in days, the numbness taking over. But here, in her arms, an adult that he trusted, his walls were cracking.

 

_It wasn’t your fault._

 

Once the tears started, they didn’t stop. Yuri sobbed into her shoulder while she hugged him, rubbing his back soothingly. It should have been awkward, he barely knew her after all, but something about her words and her presence made him feel comfortable enough to open up.

 

_Fuck, my therapist was right. Damn her._

 

He cried for a while until he eventually pulled back, rubbing his eyes with his hands. Mrs. Altin looked teary-eyed herself, looking him over as if in a new light.

 

“I think you may be the strongest person I have ever met,” she said, voice filled with respect as she looked into his eyes.

 

 _Strong?_ _What the hell is she on about? I just bawled in her arms for ten minutes._

 

“I mean it,” she said fiercely, “To go through all that and still pull off a silver medal at the Olympics? I mean it, Yura. You are the strongest person I have _ever_ met.”

 

“I told you, eyes of a soldier,” Otabek chimed in softly from the corner and Yuri’s heart clenched with emotions he wasn’t sure how to categorize.

 

_Strong? Me?_

_It wasn’t your fault…_

_Eyes of a soldier. Maybe a soldier that’s seen too much of the battlefield. I’m useless. Fuck._

_Some soldier. I couldn’t even protect myself._

 

Mrs. Altin was still next to him on the couch, her eyes blazing with fire as she watched him grip his arms tightly.

 

_She looks...it’s the way Victor and Yuuri look at me, sometimes. Beka too. It’s...protective, maybe? Is she mad? I thought when she found out, she’d be disgusted._

 

“Yura, don’t give up on getting better,” she murmured softly, and Yuri looked up at her in surprise.

 

_How did she know?_

_I didn’t even know I was doing that…_

_Fuck, my head is still so goddamn tangled up about everything._

 

“Yura?” Otabek asked softly from the couch, “Do...are you alright?”

 

_Am I alright?_

_Sort your thoughts like she taught you in therapy._

_I’m going through depression right now._

_I just told Otabek’s mom I was raped._

_Mama’s personal information got leaked._

_The media knows about part of my life, a part that was supposed to be secret._

_I’m upset and frustrated._

_Okay._

_Ground yourself, take a breath, and talk._

  


“Twisted,” he whispered, “My head...everything’s twisted.”

 

Mrs. Altin nodded, encouraging him to continue.

 

“It’s like...my head is full of tangled strings,” Yura said more strongly, “I just wish someone would tug on one and unravel everything and then I could just get through all of this.”

 

“The trick is finding which string to tug, am I right?” Mrs. Altin asked gently. Yuri nodded, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

 

She turned to face him, a warm, yet sad look in her eyes.

 

“Yura, you shouldn’t have to be responsible for your parent’s mistakes,” she whispered, “You are not them. Their choices are theirs and they don’t reflect on you.”

 

_Except I already let them. Fuck, I’m turning into my mother._

_I’m...turning into my mother._

_Shit, this is how it started with her...she ignored her mental illness and it took over her head and...oh fuck, oh fuck, oh my god, I’m turning into her...no…_

**_I don’t want to be like her._ **

_Fucking shit. Couldn’t you have picked a different goddamn string to tug on first? Fuck._

 

The familiar sensation of ice encasing his heart engulfed him. It was his body’s way of protecting itself from an onslaught of emotions.

 

“Yuri, what’s wrong?” Yuuri asked in concern, noticing that his breathing had increased.

 

Yuri felt the ice begin to crack, as if Yuuri’s words were blazing through and forcing him to feel. Mrs. Altin’s hand grabbed onto his own and the ice cracked more. He caught sight of Otabek and Victor’s faces, and the ice _shattered,_ pieces piercing his insides.

 

A rush of emotion washed over him, every feeling he had repressed the past week suddenly hitting him all at once. The realization of his fear, the fear of becoming his mother, was making him aware of all of his actions. He began to mentally compare what he had been doing to what his mother would do and he began to feel sick.

 

“I don’t want to be like her,” he said desperately, “I don’t want to turn into her!”

 

Mrs. Altin had the same protective gaze in her eyes as she listened to him speak.

 

“Your mother?” she asked softly, and Yuri nodded. Smiling wryly, she brushed a stray hair off of Yuri’s forehead. “Yura, you’re not your mother. You’re not your parents. You’re _you._ ”

 

“But...she...mama, she had it too…” Yuri babbled, unsure if he was making sense, “And...god, she got arrested for things that I’ve also done! I…I’m no better than her...I deserve…”

 

“Yura, listen to me. No, _really_ listen,” Mrs. Altin said in a strong voice, “What happened to you was _not_ your fault. You were forced into an impossible situation for your own survival. And you survived. _You._ None of us were there to help you. You pulled yourself out, you survived. _You_ did that.”

 

_I...yeah, I survived it, but…_

 

“I am proud my son is with someone like you,” Mrs. Altin continued, “I am proud to know you, Yuri.”

 

_She...god...I...I want to believe her, but…_

 

“I’m proud of you, too,” Otabek croaked, “God, Yura...everything you’ve been through? You’re fucking _amazing.”_

 

“Otabek, language.”

 

“Sorry, mom.”

 

Victor and Yuuri had stood and moved into the loveseat adjacent from where Otabek was sitting in the chair so that all five of them were now in the living room of the apartment. Yuri was sitting silently, in disbelief at the words.

 

“We’re proud of you too, Yurio,” Victor said softly, "We were so lucky the day Yakov asked us to house you.”

 

“You teach me how to be strong,” Yuuri chimed in, voice so soft it was nearly inaudible, “I’ve learned so much from you.”

 

_I...fuck._

_Do they mean this?_

_Shit, I feel like I’m in an emotional intervention._

_I don’t even know what to say._

_“Thank you” sounds...stupid._

_But, god...Beka’s mom...she’s...fuck, she’s wonderful._

 

“I wish my parents were like you,” he blurted out, “I...I wish I had grown up in a home like I have now, with a mom like you.”

 

Mrs. Altin’s eyes welled up with tears as she embraced him gently. He felt a little lighter, knowing that she accepted him. He knew enough about Otabek’s family to know that if his mother accepted him, his father would as well. He had them, he had Otabek, he had Yuuri and Victor.

 

He had a family. It may have come later in life than he would have wanted, but he had support. He knew that the next few weeks, possibly even months, were going to be hell, but he had four pillars to lean on.

 

_I’ve got them. And I’ve got grandpa, too. Hell, even Makkachin and Kobi...they help, too. And my therapist. I’m not alone...I’m not alone…_

_I might be fucked up, but I’m not alone._

_And I won’t let myself become like her._

 

“Yura, I am so proud of you for being open with me,” Mrs. Altin said after a time, “Now, I think it’s high time we all ate something. Victor, Yuuri, mind if I commandeer your kitchen?”

 

Yuuri grinned. “Finally! Someone else who can cook!”

 

They all laughed, and even Yuri managed to crack a smile. He caught Otabek’s eye and they shared a warm glance before they were ushered into the kitchen for an impromptu cooking lesson.

 

_I’m still exhausted. I still hurt. I’ll probably crash later. But for now...god, for now. It’s okay._

_It’s okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still can't get over the comments. You all are amazing, seriously. And I am so touched with those of you whole feel that this story resonates with you. Thank you. I can't even express how much it means to me that people love this so much. 
> 
> I can say now that this fic is definitely going to be longer than anticipated. Whether that is just in chapter length or physical chapter numbers, I can't say yet. But this whole chapter was originally like a two-page scene, but it really felt to me like it needed to be expanded. 
> 
> I hope when I'm finished with this story I won't lose touch with those of you who I've been talking with. I've really enjoyed talking to people through the comments. Thank you so much for everything and I hope you enjoyed some fierce mamabear!Mrs. Altin. :)


	7. The World Seems Against You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was overwhelmed by the comments on the last chapter! You are all amazing!
> 
> I am putting a very detailed trigger warning in these beginning notes. If you’re worried about spoilers, scroll...quickly, I guess? It’s an important one and I don’t want to risk anyone getting triggered by it.
> 
> Trigger warnings: references to past rape/non-con, very graphic descriptions of rape/non-con. This is the full description, full flashback, of the rape/non-con scene from IWNB and it is very graphic, references to a past suicide attempt

A week had gone by since Yuri’s emotional discussion with Mrs. Altin. He had several therapy appointments, all of which helped him push through the wall he had been experiencing since the articles were posted about his mother. Some days, he awoke with no energy or drive to do anything, but Otabek or his mother would plan some sightseeing trip, and he would be dragged along. He didn’t enjoy it very much, but he appreciated that they were getting him out of bed.

 

Part of the difficulty surrounded the press articles about him, as they were becoming more detailed and vicious by the day. The others tried to keep Yuri from reading them, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. Some sites had guessed dangerously close to the truth of his circumstances and it was beginning to eat away at him. Trying to push it aside, he attempted to keep on a happy face while he helped show St. Petersburg to Mrs. Altin.

 

Much of his anxiety lay in fear that with each passing day he was closer and closer to becoming his mother, another statistic. Yuuri and Victor noticed the change in him, but Yuri was so desperate to prove that he could push through, he forced himself to fight through the thoughts and not give into the panic.

 

Having Mrs. Altin in such close proximity was making him think about his own mother. He still hadn’t sorted out all of his feelings towards her, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be able to, but he began to think about the possibility of visiting her in prison. 

 

_ Maybe if I see her...talk to her...I’ll get over some of this. Closure. _

 

He resolved that regardless of his decision to see his mother or not, he needed to see his grandfather. They hadn’t been speaking much and Yuri burned with guilt whenever he thought of it. His grandfather may not have stepped up as much as Yuri would have liked when his father left, but he was still the only person in Yuri’s family that had been there for him, regardless of the event. He didn’t want to lose that bond.

 

Sighing heavily, Yuri scrunched up his face before relaxing his expression, stretching out on his bed. He was thankful that he had no responsibilities during the off season, he could focus on simply getting well.

 

_ How do people with regular jobs deal with depression and anxiety? There’s no way I’d make it if I couldn’t take time off like this. _

 

Coming slowly out of the depression that had been eating away at him was hard, and battling his aversion to his medication was harder. Despite knowing that the meds helped keep him stable, he still hated the numbness, the void of emotion inside of him. He longed for the freedom of passion he could feel without his meds, but each time he winced at the orange bottle, he thought of his unstable outbursts and night terrors. 

 

_ I may hate them, but it’s better than living in fear. Maybe someday I won’t need them, but for now, I guess I’ll just resign myself to it. It’s one less thing to fight. _

 

It was a Thursday afternoon, Otabek and his mother taking a lunch break together somewhere in the downtown area. Yuuri and Victor were curled on the couch together watching some sappy movie while the animals were napping with Yuri on his bed. He had been going through his phone, but now was just enjoying the relative peace and quiet.

 

Standing up slowly, Yuri took in the view from outside of his window. It was a grey, cloudy Spring day, a nip in the air. Sighing, he stretched and headed over to his dresser, sorting through a pile of clean clothes that had yet to be put away. Everything had been peaceful over the last few days, domestic. 

 

In fact, it was so good in comparison to the last few weeks that Yuri was almost on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. His depression seemed to be taking a little bit of a backseat as his anxiety was now taking the wheel most days. Out of the two, Yuri found the anxiety easier to deal with because he could at least fake his way through the day. During the times his depression was at its worst, there wasn’t much he could do to hide it. 

 

Victor’s cheerful ringtone broke Yuri out of his thoughts. He could hear the movie being paused in the living room and Victor answer, “Hello?”

 

There was a pause and Yuri strained to make out the voice at the other end to no avail. When Victor began to speak, it was oddly formal, and Yuri tried to puzzle out who he was talking to.

 

“Yes, this is Victor Nikiforov. Yes, I do recall putting in that report. My husband and I made it almost a year ago. Yes. Yes. I understand. Today? We’ll be here. Yes, our address is the same. Four? Yes, four would be perfect. I appreciate your time, we’ll help in any way that we can. Thank you.”

 

_ Wonder what that was about. _

 

The curiosity burned on his tongue, pulsing through his mouth and threatening to push past his lips. Despite the desire to ask, he didn’t inquire into the phone call, instead he just remained on his bed. He needn’t have worried, because shortly after hanging up, Yuuri and Victor were at the threshold of his room.

 

“Hey, Yuri, we need to talk to you,” Victor said quietly, sitting on the end of his bed while Yuuri took the windowsill.

 

_ That doesn’t sound good. They look serious. _

 

“Yeah?” he asked gruffly, trying to keep a cool exterior.

 

Victor sighed, running a hand through his hair. “That was the police on the phone. Yuri...last year. When we found out what happened to you...we filed a report.”

 

_ What? _

 

Yuri’s heartbeat thudded in his chest, panic welling inside of him.

 

“Not about you,” Yuuri interjected, sensing his stress, “We informed the police that there were rumors of sex trafficking happening in your neighborhood. They’ve been doing an investigation over the past eight months. We kept it from you because we didn’t want to upset you.”

 

_ What...the fuck. _

 

“Yurio, we respected your decision for privacy,” Victor said quickly, “But there were other kids in your neighborhood who were being exploited. We couldn’t do  _ nothing.” _

 

Yuri’s thoughts were racing through his brain. He swallowed nervously, throat suddenly dry. “So...why tell me now, then?” he asked quietly.

 

Victor sighed heavily, clasping his hands together in his lap. “Because...they’ve arrested them. The men who hurt you. A couple of children came forward to an undercover officer and the ring was broken up. They want to come get statements from Yuuri and I.”

 

“They’re...locked up?” Yuri asked softly, staring at the wall, hardly able to believe it. 

 

Yuuri nodded from across the room. “Yes. They’re being charged with everything the police can throw at them, and they’re looking at life in prison, at least.”

 

_ Life...in prison. _

_ I don’t know… _

_ I don’t know how I feel about this.  _

 

“Do...do the police know about me?” Yuri asked, playing with a stray thread on his cuff.

 

“Not by name,” Victor murmured, “But, Yurio, they know that we heard it from someone. If you spoke out...it could help.”

 

_ No fucking way. _

 

“Yuri…” Yuuri trailed off, seeing his expression, “It...it could  _ really _ help…”

 

_ “No,” _ he spat vehemently, “I won’t do it.”

 

Victor looked at him with a sad expression. “I thought you would say that. I wish you’d change your mind, but we respect your decision.”

 

_ Don’t they understand? I can’t. It would mean seeing them again and I...I can’t…I can’t face them. _

 

“The police will be here in a few hours,” Yuuri said gently, “Do you want to schedule something with Otabek so you’re out of the apartment?”

 

Yuri sighed, rubbing his forehead, a pulsing headache beginning to throb in his temple. 

 

_ Yes. No. Fuck. I don’t know. _

 

“No...it’s...fine,” he mumbled, “Just as long as I don’t have to talk to them.”

 

Victor nodded, looking unhappy, but unwilling to fight. Yuuri was looking disappointed, but he didn’t say anything, either. Feeling the conversation was at its end, Yuri turned over and closed his eyes, feeling exhausted.

 

_ It’s ridiculous how much I’ve been sleeping. But...god, this is too much. This is just too much. First the articles and now the police? I just...I want everything to calm down for just one day. I want to get better. I don’t want to think about this anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore, I just want to relax, to fucking breathe, to be somewhere where no one knows me and I can just...be.  _

 

Yuri hadn’t realized how much time had passed as he lay still in his room, thoughts swirling through his brain like mad. He wished desperately for his boyfriend to be there, but he was still out with his mom, and Yuri was alone. He began to regret not taking Victor up on the offer to be out of the apartment when the police came.

 

_ How long have I been in here? What time is it? _

 

Yuri yawned, rolling over when he noticed his door was open a crack. He froze as he saw two unfamiliar  _ uniformed _  people in the living room.

 

_ Oh, fuck, they’re already here? Shit, shit, shit! _

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, you and your husband stated in your report that a teenager in the neighborhood came to you, correct?” one of the officers was saying.

 

“Yes, that’s right. He’s a close friend and preferred to remain anonymous,” Victor replied. The other officer scratched something down on the notepad in front of her.

 

“I see,” the officer continued, “His statement would be very valuable to us. As it stands right now, this information will not be viable in court. Is there any chance you can contact him?”

 

_ Fuck no. Victor, don’t you dare say anything. _

 

“I don’t think that will be possible, unfortunately,” Victor said quietly, “He had no desire to come forward then and I don’t believe he will now.”

 

The female officer looked up from her notes, locking eyes with her partner, sharing a grim look. “He wouldn’t have to go to trial, or court. Only identify the perpetrators at the station. They wouldn’t even know he was there. The more eyewitness accounts we can compile, the stronger our case becomes. This person...did he work for the traffickers?”

 

_ Shit. Fuck. Shit. Goddamn. I should have gone out, I should have let Beka take me downtown, fucking hell… _

 

“No!” Yuuri cried, interjecting in his rough Russian, “He did not! They... _ forced _ him…”

 

There was a pause. “I see,” the male officer said, “And how long ago did this take place?”

 

“A little over a year,” Victor replied sadly, catching his husband’s eye, “Around when we filed the report.”

 

“And no one reported the incident to the police?” the female officer inquired.

 

“We couldn’t. We weren’t his guardians at the time,” Yuuri snapped, before covering his mouth.

 

_ FUCK. Katsudon, ugh, shut your big mouth, you...fuck. Well, it doesn’t matter now, I guess. _

 

“This...he  _ lives _ with you?” she asked, while Yuuri looked horrified at himself. Yuri was unable to stand it any longer and he emerged from his room, his icy hard expression plastered on his face.

 

“It was me,” he said firmly, causing the other four to turn towards him. The female officer was looking at him with a rather fixed expression, as if she was trying hard to remember something.

 

_ Please, please don’t know who I am. _

 

“He matches the description,” the male officer said quietly, “Of the boy who fought them off.”

 

_ What? _

 

“Listen, kid, you’re not in trouble,” the female officer said gently, “But were you by any chance involved in an altercation with the men we’re looking for?”

 

_ Fuck...I knew police were close that day, but I’d never thought they’d follow up after the fight. _

 

Yuri remembered back to the day he had found out his mother had been arrested. His grandfather driving him to their old neighborhood. Seeing his  _ rapists _ walking down the street, free. His blood boiling. Blacking out, adrenaline taking over until he had beaten them as much as they had hurt him. It had felt good at the time, but dredging up the memories hurt now, in retrospect. He didn’t want to think about them,  _ ever. _

 

Yuri didn’t trust himself to respond, simply nodding his head in acknowledgement. He rubbed his arms, a sudden chill giving him goosebumps. The apartment was silent, save for the scratching as the officers were writing.

 

_ Are they writing a fucking novel? Shit...oh my god, are they going to arrest me? They can’t, they’ll find out, they’ll find out...no, she said I wasn’t in trouble...she said… _

 

Swallowing hard, Yuri attempted to ground himself. He focused on Yuuri and Victor’s faces, trying desperately to silently communicate with them, hoping they’d rescue him from the hole he was digging.

 

“Can you tell us your name, please?” the male officer asked in gentle, but firm voice.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

“It’s...uh...Yuri Plisetsky,” he mumbled.

 

He nodded, writing it down quickly. “And your age?”

 

“I’m almost eighteen,” he said softly, focusing on his hands. Victor was sitting next to Yuuri on the couch, both looking worriedly up at him.

 

Yuri felt a kind of sinking in his heart as he saw recognition dawn on the female officer’s face. Figuring she probably recognized him from the Olympics, he ducked his head down and stared at the floor. 

 

“Yuri, I’ve been patrolling that area of St. Petersburg for nearly fifteen years,” she said quietly, causing him to look up, “That’s why I asked to be part of this case. I think I’m beginning to get the picture, here. I remember you.”

 

_ What? _

 

The officer stood, walking over to him. He was uncomfortable with her closeness, but he didn’t make a move to stop her. He was too shaken up by what she had said.

 

“Your mother tried to kill herself, didn’t she?” she asked softly, “When you were little? Yuri, I was the one who found you.”

 

The insensitivity of the question caught him off guard, but the memory assaulted him before he could think of a retort.

 

_ "Little Yurachka, screaming in the street, covered in blood." _

_ Fuck. _

_ It was...her? _

 

“You were screaming,” she said quietly, “There was so much blood all over you. I wrapped you in my jacket and carried you to my car.”

 

_ Yeah...yeah, I remember. _

_ It was the first time I had been carried in a while. _

 

“I’m glad to see you got out of that neighborhood,” she murmured, “It’s good to see you in a loving home.”

 

_ Fucking hell. This...god, what is even happening right now? Where the hell is Beka, or Mrs. Altin? I feel like I’m losing my mind...this is too much of a coincidence, but no...no, she said she’d patrolled our neighborhood for a while...fuck, then what the hell was she doing there for fifteen years while kids were getting raped and sold? Birdwatching? _

 

“Will you come to the station, Yuri? Will you identify them?” she asked, hopefully.

 

Yuri raised his head, looking into the eyes of the woman who had cared for him on a night he would have rather forgotten. He felt the stares of Victor and Yuuri, as well as the other officer and he knew they were waiting for him to give in, to say he’d help. But his walls were up, his back was to the corner, and Yuri had no desire to help, not anyone. 

 

Not even himself.

 

_ And not for them. They let this happen. Fuck them. _

 

“I can’t,” he said, “I’m sorry. I won’t.”

 

“Yuri…” Victor started desperately, but Yuri only shook his head, retreating back to his bedroom. 

 

He closed the door and leaned with his back against it, closing his eyes. Not wanting to hear the conversation, he pulled his phone and headphones out of his pocket, stuffing the earbuds in and turning on a random playlist to drown out the voices. He let himself drift into his head.

 

_ Breathe. In. Out. Exhale. Sort your thoughts. Figure out your emotions. I’m angry at the police. I’m scared they’ll find out the truth about me. But mostly, I know I can’t face my rapists again. I don’t want to. I already fought them, I don’t need to see them now. I defeated them. And they can go to hell without my help. _

 

_ I just want to be left in peace.  _

 

Drifting off, Yuri let the music and his slow breathing calm him.

 

When Yuri stirred again, he realized he had fallen asleep and was laying on his bed. Otabek was next to him, reading through a magazine that Yuri had left on the bedside table.

 

“Hey, Yura,” Otabek smiled, “You up?”

 

_ Ugh, I’m sore. Did he carry me up here? _

 

Yuri rolled over silently, snuggling his face onto Otabek’s chest, relishing in the closeness. They hadn’t had much alone time together lately and Yuri enjoyed the moments they were able to spare. 

 

“Victor and Yuuri filled me in,” Otabek said quietly, “They went to the store to get some stuff for dinner. Are you okay?”

 

_ Am I okay? I don’t know. I...the last couple weeks have been so fucked up. I just want to get out of here. I want to run. I want to be somewhere, anywhere else. But...I’m so tired. It’s too much effort to think of getting out of bed, let alone running away. And they’d be so disappointed. I don’t want to think about this shit anymore. _

 

_ I just wish I could press ‘pause’ and sleep for about a month. Then I could restart my life. _

_ God, I wish… _

 

“Yura?” Otabek murmured, stroking his hair, “You’re being really quiet.”

 

Yuri leaned up, kissing Otabek’s palm before snuggling back down on his chest. “Everyone wants me to go to the police station,” he mumbled, “But I don’t want to. It’s over, it’s done. I don’t want to see them again.”

 

“I know,” Otabek soothed, “And you don’t have to. It’s okay, Yuri.”

 

_ Thank you. Someone gets it. _

_ Now that the police are gone, it feels...it feels like it might be...over? _

_ They’re in jail. _

_ They’re in jail, and they can’t hurt anyone ever again. _

_ They’re off the street. _

_ It’s done. It’s over. _

_ I’m safe. _

 

Otabek stroked Yuri’s hair gently, humming while Yuri relaxed, becoming almost boneless in his arms. He had been sleeping an impossible amount lately, due to the adjustment in his medications, and he was once again feeling exhausted. He allowed himself to drift back into sleep, feeling safe in Otabek’s arms. 

 

The next time he came to himself, he knew instantly that he was dreaming. He was standing in a familiar room, the scent of mold and other unmentionables in the air, a sense of horror gripping at his lungs. Despite knowing he was asleep, he couldn’t wake. Knowing what he was about to witness, he tried to force his brain to wake up. 

 

“So, Yura, what will it be?” Pavel asked with a smirk. Yuri felt sick as the other men in the room stood, blocking his exits. But he didn’t care. He was starving, cold, hungry, and he was  _ pissed. _

 

“Fuck you,” he spat, “I’m not for sale, and I won’t do it. Now let me go!”

 

Pavel’s eyes narrowed, gesturing towards a few of his men. The one closest to Yuri grabbed his shoulder, quickly flinging him to the floor. A sharp pain shot through his spine and his phone flew out of his pocket. Another man stepped on it, smashing the screen before Yuri could even reach for it. A sense of panic and dread rushed through him. While he was focused, he felt his shoes getting pulled off and watched as they were thrown out the window.

 

“So you can’t run, you little shit,” the man spat, a sickening grin on his face. Yuri struggled with the one who was pinning him to the floor, shouting and spitting curses. Eventually, Pavel came over and raised a fist, punching Yuri in the eye with all of his strength. 

 

Yuri fell back, head crashing onto the floor.

 

“Stop fighting, you fucking twink!” Pavel growled, spitting on Yuri’s face, “We’re going to have to teach you some goddamn manners if you’re going to be working for us.”

 

Yuri’s heart pounded with fear. He was rapidly forgetting that this was a dream and that it wasn’t really happening. It was real, down to the detail, of everything he had experienced the year before. He had never had a nightmare quite this vivid, and he began to lose himself in it. Pavel exited the room, leaving Yuri with three of the men. The one closest to him yanked down his jeans, pulling Yuri up towards him. Head swimming with pain from both the punch and the impact from the floor, Yuri felt a wave of nausea in his stomach.

 

“Open your mouth you little shit,” the man said, forcing Yuri’s jaw open with his hands. Before Yuri could react at all, the man had shoved his length inside his mouth and Yuri’s horrified mind couldn’t keep up with what was happening. The man kept pumping in and out, someone else holding him down so he couldn’t fight back. After a torturous eternity, the man came down Yuri’s throat, pulling out with a groan.

 

Horror and disgust grew in Yuri as he turned, vomiting on the floor. His mind couldn’t keep up with the brutality, trying to protect itself. The men were laughing, and each of them repeated the process with him until he was curled into a sobbing ball on the floor of the building, acid burning in his throat from vomit and the disgusting feeling of _them_ in his mouth.

 

“Look, kid, we need to ruin you properly before you work the corner. This will be over faster if you don't fight,” one of them said with a smirk, reaching down and yanking down Yuri’s pants in a swift motion. Screaming for help, Yuri tried to fight them, but help  _ wasn’t coming… _

 

There was a hand around him now, moving slowly up and down in smooth, gentle strokes. Yuri’s body betrayed him, rising to the touch of the man. He was crying now, in horror and disgust. Feeling completely detached from his own body, the man shoved his fingers roughly inside him and Yuri _screamed._ The pain was unlike anything he had ever felt before. It hurt so bad that Yuri almost passed out. After a few moments, something bigger and harder was inside him, thrusting in and out of him and Yuri...

Just.

Stopped.

He stopped fighting.

 

A blank expression crossed his face, eyes dulling to grey, mind attempting to close off so that he didn’t have to experience the horror of the moment. Nothing felt real. He vaguely felt when the men changed positions, taking turns fucking him, but he no longer had the energy to fight. After the last man had his turn, he pulled out of Yuri and began to stroke him, gently and slowly. Yuri’s mind tried to fight his body, but the man was experienced and his body rose, forcing him to come after a time. Yuri screamed in agony, not pleasure, as the horror of the situation came over him. He registered Pavel coming back in at some point at talking to him, but Yuri couldn’t anything. His mind began to build up walls, protecting himself.

 

_ It's not real, it's not real... _

 

He watched himself stand, pull up his pants, and head out of the building. That was when Yuri remembered that he had been dreaming, and he had just watched himself get raped.

 

_ Fuck. _

_ Fuck. _

_ I can’t breathe! _

_ Beka, wake me up! Please! Help me! _

 

Screaming, Yuri launched up, finally awake. He had never felt emotions so vividly in a dream before, and he swore he could still taste vomit and...other things, in his mouth. Fear and horror gripped him, and he was unsure if he had awoken to reality or another dream. His screams were loud, and unrelenting. He was sure if he _was_ awake, he was scaring the hell out of someone.

 

_ I sound like I’m dying. _

_ Fuck, why did I dream about this? _

_ I thought I was over it. _

_ I’m still fucking dreaming! _

_ Goddamnit, help me! Someone! _

 

“BEKA!” he screamed, tears pouring down his cheeks, “BEKA!” 

 

His boyfriend didn’t answer, and Yuri wondered if this was hell, if he had descended into some kind of twisted horror movie where he was destined to relive his worst memories over, and over…

 

“It’s okay! You’re okay!” a desperate voice said next to him, sounding out of breath, “Yura!”

 

Yuri realized in his panic that he had fallen to the floor, and had his back pressed up against the dresser. He had no idea what time it was, but whoever was with him felt cold and smelled like outside, so he figured they had just come in.

 

“Breathe Yura, holy shit,  _ breathe!” _ the voice panicked, and Yuri realized he must be in horrible shape. He had never heard someone sound so upset after one of his nightmares before. He gripped their arms tightly, gasping like a fish out of water as he thrashed, feeling something fall from on top of the dresser and hitting him on the shoulder. Yuri struggled for a moment longer before realizing that his boyfriend had a grip on him and he slowly began to relax.

 

_ Fuck. _

_ Will I  _ **_never_ ** _ be over this? Is this going to haunt me forever? _

_ No, it won’t. _

_ Okay. _

_ Breathe. You’re just upset because of what happened today.  _

 

“Yura, are you with me?” Otabek asked, sounding close to tears. Yuri nodded, throat hurting from screaming. He let Otabek hold him for a while longer as he took in deep breaths, before there was a tentative knock on the door.

 

“Boys, are you alright?” Mrs. Altin asked, voice full of worry.

 

“We’re fine, mom,” Otabek answered quickly, “Nightmare.”

 

_ It’s okay, let her come in. It doesn’t matter. _

 

Yuri swallowed before rasping out a few words. “It’s...okay...you can...come in.”

 

She came in, eyes widening as she saw Otabek holding Yuri in a bear hug on the floor as Yuri took in deep breaths, eyes wild and dark. He wondered vaguely where Yuuri and Victor were, before another thought swept through his mind.

 

_ If I’m on meds and that kind of nightmare can happen, I think I need more help than what I’m getting. I should call my therapist. _

 

“Yura, honey, we should call your doctor,” Mrs. Altin said, as if reading his mind. Yuri nodded in agreement and felt Otabek looking at him in surprise.

 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, shifting a little, “We should call her. This...this shouldn’t be happening.”

 

_ Not with my new meds. I shouldn't be falling apart like this. _

 

Otabek looked at him nervously. “Are you...okay?”

 

_ No. No, I’m not fucking okay.  _

_ Ugh, no, don’t blow him off, Yuri, say something. _

 

Yuri shook his head. “No. I’m not. I really, really need to see my doctor. Can...can one of you call her, please?”

 

_ I need an appointment, today. _

_ I’m going to sort through this shit if it kills me. _

_ And then when I’m better, I’m going to take Beka and we are going to motorcycle across Europe and just spend some fucking time together where I’m not losing my mind. _

_ I can do this. _

_ I am not going to let these fuckers beat me. _

_ I am a motherfucking Olympic silver medalist and I am strong. _

_ I can do this. _

_ I have help. _

_ I can do this. _

_ I have to do this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That dream/flashback is what occurred in between chapter 3 and 4 of IWNB. It makes me sick writing the details, but to justify it, I will say from personal experience that when you endure something like this, sometimes even though you think you’re over it, it gets shoved back in your face and you realize it’s not something you may ever get over. Yuri is fortunate to have a lot of support and from this point on in the fic, we are only going up. There are still loose ends to tie up and there will still be minor setbacks, but as the last several chapters have been so sad, I wanted to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


	8. The Voice Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: mentions of prescribed medication side effects, mentions of suicidal thoughts as a possible side effect, depression

The car ride to his therapist’s office was mostly quiet, save for Otabek giving his mother a few directions. They had called Victor and Yuuri to let them know what was happening, and they said they would meet them at the office. Yuri was staying silent, the horror of the nightmare still pulsing through his head.

 

_It wasn’t real. It was just a dream. Fuck. It felt...so vivid. Like I was reliving it...like...god, I can still feel their hands on me._

 

Otabek was sitting in the backseat with him, holding his hand. Yuri felt a surge of fear and disgust as he recalled part of the dream and he quickly wrenched his hand away, the touch like poison in his skin. He knew Otabek was hurt each time he pulled away, but over the last several months he had gotten very good at hiding it.

 

Yuri still didn’t know how he felt about Mrs. Altin knowing all of his secrets. He appreciated her very much for supporting him, but there were moments when it did feel a little strange. Unsure if he was marveling at having adult support or simply being embarrassed, he didn’t say anything about his embarrassment to her.

 

The car turned down a familiar road, Yuri seeing his doctor’s office building. The car parked and he sighed, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the door. Otabek didn’t reach for his hand again and he was glad for it. Yuri caught sight of his reflection in the car mirror and almost laughed at how disheveled he looked. His eyes were bright with something akin to pain.

 

_Damn, it’s a good thing I’m here. I look...I look fucked up._

 

The three of them climbed the stairs, Mrs. Altin talking quietly with her son. Yuri kept his attention on his breathing, attempting to stave away any potential for a panic attack. The stairs seemed endless, winding and twisting up to the fourth floor where his doctor’s office was. Finally they made it to the door, Yuri all too familiar with the sight of the sign for his therapist. He wanted to thank Mrs. Altin for driving, but the words wouldn’t come. Otabek opened the door, ushering him in.

 

The first thing Yuri noticed was Yuuri and Victor sitting in chairs, both looking extremely worried. Yuri didn’t go over to them; he walked instead to the counter, signing in. The secretary behind the desk had seen so much of him lately that she didn’t even inquire, just told Yuri that his doctor would be with him shortly.

 

_Why am I so nervous? All I can fucking think about is that damn dream._

 

The five of them sat in the waiting room, Yuri beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the attention on him. Otabek was looking intently at him, seemingly sensing his distress.

 

“Hey, Yura, would it be okay if my mom and I did some shopping? We could have dinner ready when you guys come home,” Otabek said quietly.

 

Yuri relaxed immediately. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Otabek or Mrs. Altin to be there, it was just that there were so many people with him and he wanted some space, _some time,_ to decompress without so many worried eyes on him.

 

_Thank you, Beka._

 

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Thanks, Beka. And thanks for driving, Mrs. Lena.”

 

Mrs. Altin smiled, “Of course, Yura.” Otabek gave Yuri a warm smile before saying goodbye to the others, leading his mother out of the office. Sighing with relief, Yuri leaned back a bit in his chair.

 

“Too many people?” Yuuri asked quietly. Yuri nodded, not wanting to talk. It was taking too much of his energy to talk. They sat in silence for about five more minutes before a nurse came back, calling Yuri in to see his doctor.

 

“We’ll be here when you get out,” Victor said and Yuri nodded gruffly in thanks. Following the nurse to the back, he entered his therapist’s office, where she greeted him with a smile. After exchanging brief pleasantries, Yuri took his favorite spot on a squishy armchair in the corner of her room.

 

“So, Yuri, tell me what’s going on,” she said, bringing out her pen and preparing to write.

 

Yuri launched into the story, telling her everything about the police visit and his nightmare, giving her as many details as he could manage, given his exhaustion. He knew from experience that the faster he talked, the more he would get out before he shut down. After about ten minutes of explanations, Yuri fell silent, waiting for her response. She peered at him over black-rimmed glasses, a curious expression on her face.

 

“Thank you for telling me that,” she replied to his tirade, “I agree, I think we need to adjust your medication, immediately. These are clearly not working for you if you are experiencing this much anxiety. There is another medication I'd like you to try.”

 

She went off on an explanation of the new medication, Yuri only taking in about half of what she was saying.

 

_More meds? I can’t keep them straight, they all sound the same._

 

“Now, Yuri, there are some new things to take into consideration with this new medication,” she continued, “There are some side effects you may experience and it may take up to four weeks before it really takes effect.”

 

_Four weeks? She’s kidding._

 

“Just like with your other meds, it takes time for your body to balance the new chemicals. I think that with proper supervision and time, this could be a very good fit for you.”

 

“What kind of side effects?” Yuri mumbled, hating to ask the question.

 

She sighed. “Similar to some of the medications you have taken previously, there is a risk of suicidal thoughts, as well as physical changes in weight, mood, sleep patterns, and sex drive.”

 

_Fabulous. Can’t wait._

 

He shifted in his chair. “Isn’t...isn’t there another medication, one that would work a little faster? I don’t know if I can take another month like this.”

 

“I’m sorry, Yuri, but given your age, your physical condition, and what I know about you, I think this will be the best fit. I will be with you every step of the way, you know that.”

 

_Fuck. Fine. I’ll give it a try._

 

They worked out the details, a prescription was written, and Yuri sat there, in a blur. He honestly couldn’t even remember the name of his new meds. He had a whole list of new rules to follow while taking them and it was too much to keep in his brain. Exhausted, he asked Victor and Yuuri to be present when his doctor was going over his restrictions, in case he missed something.

 

“Wait...suicidal thoughts? How common is this?” Victor asked desperately, as she brought up the side effects again.

 

_Victor...that’s a side effect of a million different meds. It’s okay. I’ll be fine._

 

“It is a common side effect, as it was with some of the medications Yuri tried before. If at any point you have these thoughts, Yuri, tell Victor or Yuuri and they will call me. Or you can call me yourself.”

 

Yuri nodded, knowing the drill. Victor still looked worried, but Yuuri seemed to understand where the doctor was coming from, having tried some of the same medications as Yuri himself.

 

Group therapy was also suggested during their talk, but Yuri had refused, point-blank. He had no desire to sit and talk with a bunch of strangers about the horrors of his past. Accepting that the men who attacked him were locked away, away from him, he had determined to push through with the support systems he had in place. His therapist warned him that it may not be enough, but for now, Yuri had no desire to talk to anyone new.

 

_Honestly, I want to get out of here after my meds balance out. I want to spend time with Beka, alone. I’ve put him through so much shit in the last few months, and I just want to...travel. See the world, with him. Maybe soon I’ll summon the courage to ask him._

 

“Alright, Yuri, I will see you next week then?” his therapist asked, and he nodded.

 

_Alright. Let’s try this._

 

Yuri headed out of the office with a new determination, and a new orange bottle. Heading home with Yuuri and Victor, he was looking forward to spending some quiet time with them and the Altins, as Mrs. Altin was flying back to Kazakhstan in a few days. He wasn’t sure when Otabek would have to leave and he hadn’t summoned the courage to ask.

 

Pulling into the parking lot of their apartment complex, Yuri stretched in the backseat. He was feeling more comfortable after talking with his therapist and he felt that he wanted some quality time with his boyfriend before dinner. The three of them walked back up the stairs, heading to the apartment.

 

“Yuuri, I’ve never heard her say _suicidal thoughts_ before,” Victor was whispering. Yuri could feel Yuuri rolling his eyes behind him.

 

“Victor,” Yuuri responded, _“My_ meds have that side effect. It’s brought up every single time. It’s a common side effect. I’m not saying it isn’t serious, but this isn’t new information.”

 

_Yeah, seriously Victor. Get on board._

 

“But, Yuuri…”

 

Yuri ignored the rest of their conversation, not bothering to listen as Yuuri brought Victor up to speed. He walked through the apartment door, a delicious smell wafting from the kitchen. Yuri smiled politely at Mrs. Altin who was in the middle of cooking something and he headed to his room, happy to see Otabek sprawled on his bed.

 

“Hey,” Yuri said softly, laying down next to his boyfriend, who greeted him with a warm smile.

 

“Hi, Yura,” Otabek said, “How’d it go?”

 

Yuri snuggled close to Otabek, laying his head under his boyfriend’s chin. The touching was enough for Otabek to realize that Yuri wasn’t as defensive as he was earlier, and he gently wrapped an arm around him.

 

“Good,” Yuri murmured, “They’re changing my meds again. Victor’s freaking out.”

 

Otabek shifted a little so he could see Yuri’s face. “Why’s that?”

 

“He found out that suicidal thoughts were a side effect,” Yuri responded, “And for some reason he didn’t know that was a common thing with the kinds of meds I’m taking.”

 

Otabek sucked in a breath before exhaling sharply. “I...I mean, I knew that, but Yura, it’s still hard to think about...you’ll...talk to me if you’re ever feeling like that, right?”

 

“Beka, of course,” Yuri said, “And anyway, I’ve been on a couple different meds and that’s never happened, so I’m not too worried about it. Mostly, I’m worried about how long it’s going to take for them to start working.”

 

“How long?” Otabek asked.

 

Yuri sighed. “My doctor says it could be four weeks. I...I’m really scared, Beka. I don’t want another dream like I had earlier. I don’t want to have panic attacks again.”

 

“I know,” Otabek responded, “But I’ll be here, Yura. It’s my off season, too. Victor and Yuuri said I can stay as long as you want me here.”

 

Yuri relaxed at the words, relief flooding through him.

 

_Thank god._

 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, the steady rise and fall of Otabek’s chest calming him. They lay in silence together for a while, both enjoying each other’s peaceful company. After about twenty minutes, Otabek had dozed off and Yuri, still snuggled up next to him, pulled out his phone, scanning through his updates.

 

The articles and social media posts about him were dying down a little. It seemed his lack of response to request for interviews was finally working.

  
**Teen Mental Health Organizations Rally Around 17-Year-Old Russian Olympian, Yuri Plisetsky**

**Thailand Skating Champion Phichit Chulanont Starts #SupportYuriPlisetsky hashtag in Response to Media Bombardment**

**Russian ISF Defends Yuri Plisetsky, Asks for Privacy for the Teen Skating Sensation**

 

**plisetsky-altin:**

_Okay. Enough. This is getting out of hand. I am officially backing off. If Yuri’s not saying anything, I’m not prying. If he wants to go public with his story, he will. I’m super worried about him, but I’m not going to go digging into his life without his permission._

**mimipotter:**

_I agree. Whatever happened...happened. He obviously has a lot of support and I’m not going to feed the media trolls anymore. Hey...what if we spammed the #yuriplisetsky tag with really cute pictures of him and positive stories and articles?_

**yuuriknikiforov:**

_I’m in._

  **s8erl8er:**

_Me too. Let’s do this!_

 

Yuri’s heart lifted a little as he realized the tone of the remaining articles and posts about him were beginning to lighten. Not responding to anyone’s requests for interviews or taken the bait of anyone’s social media posts, so the media was quickly losing interest in his story. The medication leak was old news and his mother’s prison sentence, while he was sure would be brought up next season, was being slowly filtered out of the media.

 

_Maybe not forever, but I think it’ll be okay for a while. They seem to be losing interest._

_And honestly, I’m not sure I even give a fuck. I mean, I know when the skating season starts up again, it will all be dredged up, but for now at least I have some peace._

 

When Victor and Yuuri roused them for dinner, Yuri felt a little more stable, a little more grounded.

 

_I can do this._

 

* * *

 

Several days passed, and Mrs. Altin had to fly back to Kazakhstan. Yuri got a little emotional during their goodbye, saddened to see her leave. She made him promise to come visit and after hugging each of them in turn, she got in a cab for the airport. Her parting words to Yuri were echoing in his head for the rest of the day.

 

“Focus on recovering, Yura,” she had said with a smile, “I believe in you.”

 

It seemed clichéd, if not a bit trite, but for some reason, her statement resonated with him. Having more support now than he had ever had before, his confidence was boosted and he felt strong. Working hard to focus on getting better, he tried to maintain a schedule. In the mornings, he’d wake up early and gone for a short run, sometimes with Otabek, sometimes with Yuuri or Victor. After breakfast, he’d relax for awhile, usually with his boyfriend. Some days they would all skate together, other days they’d go somewhere in the city.

 

It was difficult to maintain even the deceptively relaxing schedule that he had, because his new medication was not yet effective. His anxiety hit him full force each day and he had several panic attacks and nightmares throughout the week as he transitioned from his old medication onto his new ones. Some days, he woke up feeling bright and awake, and other days he simply wanted to roll into his bed and _live_ there.

 

Victor eyed him like a hawk, constantly checking up on him and asking if he was okay. Yuri was getting a bit sick of it, but thankfully Yuuri was there to intercept Victor if his well-intentioned inquiries got to be overwhelming. Through it all, there was also Otabek. Yuri felt like Otabek was a gift sent to him, a gift he didn’t deserve. Every nightmare, every anxious moment, every laugh and cry, his boyfriend was there. He wasn’t always perfect, didn’t always say the right thing, but he would figure out what Yuri needed and give him support whenever he asked, and sometimes when he didn’t.

 

A week turned into two and the days melded together in a mix of skating, lazy afternoons, and sweet moments shared among the four of them. Some days were better than others; Yuri felt his anxiety keenest and the most inopportune times. However, overall, things were going alright. He had definitely gone through worse.

 

It wasn’t until nearly three weeks after going on his new medications that Yuri awoke one morning to feeling nothing.

 

Nothing at all.

 

The numbness tingled through his body from the tips of his fingers down through his legs. He had no desire to wake Otabek, he had no desire to do much of anything. The full force of depression lay over him, suffocating him like a heavy blanket, pushing him deeper into the mattress and away from the day awaiting him.

 

_I haven’t felt like this in months. Weird._

_I should care. I know this is bad. But I don’t._

 

“Hey, Yura, it’s time to get up!” Otabek said excitedly, “Remember, today’s the day I was going to show you how to death drop!”

 

_Oh yeah. We talked about that. Right._

_I can’t. I’m too tired. Not today._

 

Yuri couldn’t summon the energy to respond, the weight pushing him down and making him feel exhausted. He vaguely recognized this feeling, or lack thereof, as a combination of a side effect of his meds and a bad day.

 

“Yura?” Otabek tried again, sitting on the mattress, “Are you okay?”

 

Yuri cracked a bleary eye open, too tired to move. “I’m tired.”

 

Otabek frowned in concern. “Tired...Yura, you’ve been asleep for almost sixteen hours and you’ve barely moved.”

 

_Sixteen? Wow. That’s a lot._

 

“I’m tired,” he repeated, allowing his eyes to fall closed, “Please don’t make me get up.”

 

His voice sounded flat and dead, but he couldn’t control it. He knew it would send up red flags to Otabek, but he couldn’t summon the strength to fake sounding more cheerful.

 

“Okay, Yura,” Otabek said quietly, standing up from the bed, “I’ll try back in a little while.”

 

_Don’t bother. This day’s a waste._

 

Yuuri and Victor came in at one point to talk to him, but he dozed through most of it, unable to summon the energy to pay attention. Eventually, he figured they contacted his therapist to ask for advice, because they began to check in a lot more after that. The day past with Yuri not moving at all, despite his hunger and thirst. Eventually, his stomach fought him and his urge to use the restroom became unbearable.

 

Standing up, his head spun. The sensation of dizziness lasted a while before he finally stood and made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t bother checking his reflection, he already knew he looked like shit. Moving to use the restroom, he then washed his hands and took a drink of water, the boneless, numbing sensation spreading through his body again.

 

_I know this feeling. It sucks I can’t fight it._

_I hope it goes away. I don’t like this._

 

Heading back to the bed, Yuri collapsed, going back to sleep.

 

When he finally awoke again, Otabek was curled on the other half of the bed and clock’s illuminated numbers told him that it was three in the morning. Wide awake, Yuri felt some sensations he hadn’t felt earlier in the day and he knew he’d begin to be alright. He snuggled against Otabek, kissing the back of his head without thinking.

 

Stirring a little, Otabek blinked sleepily.

 

“S’goin’on?” he mumbled, “Yura? Y’okay?”

 

Yuri smiled a little at the murmuring of his boyfriend.

 

“Yeah, I’m a bit better,” he said, feeling a bit more alive than he had felt earlier, “Go back to sleep, Beka.”

 

“Kay,” Otabek mumbled sleepily, closing his eyes.

 

_He is so cute._

_Well, I’m wide awake now._

_Sort through your thoughts._

_I had a bad day. I’m a bit better now._

_I think it was because of my meds._

_Overall, I think I’m getting better._

 

He was distracted momentarily by Otabek rolling over, burying his face into Yuri’s side.

 

_Fuck, I love him so much._

 

Yuri quietly shifted so his boyfriend could breathe a little better, and wrapped his arms around him. Holding Otabek made things feel more real, more vivid, and the color began to seep back into the world a little. He had a setback, his fair share of recent setbacks, but something was making him feel positive. He wasn't going to second guess it after his week of hell.

 

_I think...despite today...I think…_

_I think I’m starting to heal._


	9. Beyond the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a few days to post (I know I’ve been doing a chapter a day, so I get that people are expecting that) but this chap was a monster to write and I had to put a lot of very careful thought into it.
> 
> Fluff ahead, people, be aware.
> 
> No triggers, but this chapter does include a very consensual intimate scene.

Time passed and Yuri adjusted to his medication. He still had bad days, but overall things were becoming easier for him as he healed day by day.

 

A couple of weeks after Otabek had arrived in Russia, they were sitting in the living room, snuggling lazily, while Otabek scrolled through his phone. He had been strangely quiet all day, as if thinking intently about something.

 

_ I wonder what’s going on? He looks so serious. _

 

He tried to summon the courage to ask, but before he could, Otabek spoke first.

 

“Yuri, let’s go to Paris,” Otabek blurted.

 

_ What? _

 

“Uh...what?” Yuri asked, bewildered.

 

_ That is not what I was expecting. _

 

Otabek nodded. “Yeah...my mom just sent me an email, we have all of these unused frequent flier miles, and there’s a really cheap flight leaving tonight. We could celebrate your birthday there.”

 

_ Paris. This...yeah, why the hell not? I’m doing better and I wanted some time with him anyway. And my eighteenth birthday in Paris? That would be pretty incredible. _

 

“Yeah, that would be awesome,” Yuri agreed, “But...do you think we can afford that? Isn’t France expensive?”

 

Otabek looked down, smiling gently. “Yura, don’t worry. I want to do this for you. For your birthday. Would...would you let me?”

 

_ He wants to taking me to fucking France as a birthday present and he thinks I’m going to complain? I think the fuck not. _

 

“Yeah,” Yuri said happily, snuggling against him, “But for your birthday, you have to promise to let me take you somewhere, too.”

 

“Iceland,” Otabek smiled, “I’ve always wanted to go there.”

 

Yuri grinned back. “Fair enough.”

 

They began packing, laughing as they excitedly planned their whirlwind week in Paris. Neither of them had ever been to France, so they were making lists of everything they wanted to see and do while they were there. Victor and Yuuri were enthusiastic about their decision to vacation, clearly please that Yuri felt well enough to travel. Otabek had managed to book the flight for that same night, so they were packing as quickly as they could.

 

“What is the weather even like in France right now?” Yuri asked, looking at his wardrobe. 

 

Otabek shrugged from the other side of the room, “I’m not sure. Warm, I think?”

 

Yuri sighed, grabbing some of his usual favorites and throwing them haphazardly into his suitcase. He had grabbed his passport, his meds, essential toiletries, wallet, and his phone and charger. Really, other than clothes, that was all he needed. Otabek seemed to be packing fairly light as well, as if wanting to get to the airport as soon as possible.

 

“When are you boys leaving?” Victor called from the other room.

 

“About an hour!” Otabek answered back, stuffing the last of his clothes into his suitcase. Yuri felt excitement growing in the pit of his stomach at the thought of being alone with Otabek for a few weeks. Who was to say they wouldn’t visit another country after France? And another, and another…

 

_ I can’t wait. I’ve been feeling really good now that my meds have stabled out and I haven’t been having panic attacks or dreams. I think this is going to be a really good trip for us; we can really spend some time together. _

 

“Yuri, I’m sad we’ll be missing your birthday,” Yuuri said from the doorway, holding a mug of tea, “But France is beautiful. I know you both will love it!”

 

A sudden meowing from next to the bed caused Yuri to look down as he watched Kobi jump and snuggle into his suitcase.

 

“No, girl,” Yuri said gently, “You can’t come.”

 

Kobi meowed in protest, making Otabek laugh, while Yuri just rolled his eyes. The rest of packing went in a whirlwind, a cab was called, and before Yuri knew it, it was time to leave.

 

“Be safe,” Victor said, hugging them both, “And have fun!”

 

“Send us pictures!” Yuuri chimed in, hugging them both as well. Yuri bent down to pet Kobi and Makkachin one final time before they said their goodbyes, heading out the door to meet their cab. A flurry of excited butterflies danced in Yuri’s stomach, and he was thrilled to be making the flight.

 

The drive to the airport was spent excitedly discussing what they would do during their first day in Paris. They’d be landing very late and heading to an Air B&B that Otabek had managed to find last minute, so they decided their first night would be spent sleeping and just relaxing in their apartment. Yuri’s stomach twisted at the thought-an apartment  _ in Paris _ all to his and Otabek’s own, for a week. They had managed to get it for a full week and Yuri was thrilled.

 

When they arrived at the airport, they checked in quickly, rushing to their gate. They had managed to find a nonstop flight that would be roughly around four hours, and they were cutting the arrival time very close. Both their luggage carry-ons, they had no need for baggage claim. 

 

“Beka, here’s the gate!” Yuri called, making it to the end of the line with the last stragglers for their flight. Otabek came panting up behind him, both of them barely making it through and into their seats on time. Once seated, Yuri pulled out his phone and captured a quick picture of the pair of them smiling excitedly. Before they announced that phones needed to be off, he posted it quickly to Instagram.

 

_ @otabek-altin and i are taking a spontaneous vacation! happy birthday to meeee #parisherewecome _

 

“Beka, we’re going to Paris,” Yuri said happily, “Fuck, I’m so excited.”

 

“Me too,” Otabek smiled, “I’m so happy I get some time alone with you, Yura.”

 

Blushing a little, Yuri, leaned in, snuggling his head down on Otabek’s shoulder. He was beyond excited, thrilled even, to be taking this trip. Some time alone with Otabek felt well-deserved after the horrible year he had. He planned on simply enjoying himself and not letting anything get in the way. 

 

_ Thank god my meds are working, or this would be a nightmare. _

 

The plane took off and Yuri felt the butterflies return again, happy and snuggled in Otabek’s embrace. He let himself doze off. His last thoughts before sleeping were of joy.

 

_ I am so fucking excited I can’t stand it. _

 

* * *

 

After a long plane ride and an arduous cab journey, they finally made it to their apartment. It was a cute little one bedroom with an absolutely stunning view, right in the city center along the Seine. Out their various windows, Yuri could see not only the Louvre, Notre Dame, and the top of the Bastille, but the Eiffel Tower as well.

 

_ This is fucking insane! I can see everything. Holy shit. I am in Paris! _

 

“Beka, the Eiffel Tower!” Yuri cried. It was dark, but the tower was brightly light, beaming in the distance. It felt like a dream to Yuri, who had only ever seen it in pictures. Their apartment had a tiny balcony, barely enough to fit the two of them, where they could stand and view it from their window.

 

_ This is so beautiful. _

 

“This place is incredible,” Otabek said in awe, “This view is…”

 

“Amazing,” Yuri finished, “It’s amazing.  _ You’re _ amazing. Thank you, Beka.”

 

They stood side-by-side on the too small balcony for a long time, just watching the glistening lights in the distance. The night was warm, enough so that they had all their windows open. There was one dim lamp on, but they had turned off the other lights so they could see the best views of the city lights.

 

After a time, they decided to explore their apartment, seeing what they could use for the week. Yuri was curiously flipping through some French magazines when he heard Otabek open the closet and burst out laughing.

 

“Yura, look at this,” he grinned, pointing up. Yuri walked over, looking up into the top shelf and joining in on the laughter. There was a  _ massive _ box of condoms, easily over a hundred, with a note written on it in French. They didn’t know what it said, but both were snickering at the sight.

 

“God, you’d think they expect us to have sex or something,” Otabek laughed as he stared into the closet, seeing the massive box of condoms, “I suppose it’s thoughtful, in a weird way.”

 

_ Shit. We should talk about that. _

_ I mean, we are spending a week together. _

_ In Paris. City of Love. _

_ Fuck. _

_ Okay. _

 

“Beka,” Yuri murmured quietly, “I...can we talk about that? Sex, I mean?”

 

Otabek’s eyes widened in surprise, but he nodded, still with a gentle grip on Yuri’s hand. Yuri closed his eyes for a moment, summoning the courage to speak the truth. He was terrified of the reaction he would get, but he knew he had to say it. He tugged at Otabek’s hand, pulling him over to sit on the bed.

 

_ Honestly, I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than a little rejection. Let’s just get through this. _

 

“I...I don’t think I’ll be able to have sex...like that. Maybe...maybe not ever,” he whispered, “At least not...um...all the way. You know, the kind where you’d need...um...condoms.”

 

Otabek nodded, encouraging Yuri to continue his thoughts. 

 

“It’s like...I feel like I still need to own my body, you know? They...when they did  _ that _ to me and that man, in the alley...it’s like I lost myself for a while,” he confessed quietly, “I think I can do...external stuff though. Like...um, what we did...before…”

 

Yuri was blushing now, unsure of why the discussion was so embarrassing for him. They had talked about far more serious topics together, but sex was the one that was the hardest to get through, even before Yuri had been assaulted. 

 

“Do you  _ want _ to, though?” Otabek asked softly, gently running a hand through Yuri’s hair, “Yura...the last time we were intimate...we weren’t completely honest with each other. I’m  _ terrified _ of hurting you, it would kill me.”

 

_ Fuck. He’s so goddamn honest. I… _

 

“I want to,” Yuri said, meaning every word, “Beka, I want you  _ so _ bad. I just honestly don’t know my own boundaries and I don’t think I will until they get pushed.”

 

_ That’s a shitty answer, I’m sorry. _

 

Otabek looked at him intently, brow furrowing. “Okay. Can you tell me what you think you’re comfortable with? It  _ is _ our first night in the city of romance after all.”

 

Yuri laughed as Otabek pressed their foreheads together, falling back on the bed. Their legs tangled together and Yuri felt himself melt at the touch. 

 

_ Fuck. We’re in Paris and he’s here and...and I do want him, I just...I don’t know where my lines are. I want to try, though. It’s been a long time. Maybe long enough? _

 

“Let’s try,” Yuri murmured, “Um...maybe what we wanted to do before the Olympics? Uh...I mean, where we said we’d do...stuff...without clothes? I mean, if that’s something you still want…”

 

_ Shit, don’t be nervous. It’s just Beka. _

 

Otabek kissed Yuri’s forehead before moving down so they were staring eye-to-eye. Blue met brown and Yuri’s heart skipped a beat at the intensity of his boyfriend’s gaze.

 

“I want that, too,” Otabek whispered, “I want everything with you. Can I kiss you?”

 

Yuri nodded, sighing happily as Otabek pressed their lips together. Yuri moved his hands up to run through Otabek’s hair as the kiss deepened. Soft, warm sensations thrummed through his body, thrilled at being close to his boyfriend again.

 

The sweet smell of the outside city drifted into the room, and Yuri swore he could see stars sparkling in Otabek’s eyes. The curtains wafted inward from the balcony, the sparkling Eiffel Tower glistening in the distance. It was so romantically cliche that Yuri almost felt a little embarrassed, but he gradually began to lose all thought of himself as their kisses deepened.

 

After a while, Yuri shifted so he was leaning over Otabek, their hips gently pressed together. He was careful not to cause any friction, not before asking at least, but it was gradually becoming harder to control himself. Otabek ran his hands up Yuri’s back under his shirt, almost massaging his shoulders, and Yuri pulled out of their kiss with a sigh.

 

_ “Shit, _ Beka,” he gasped, back arching under the touch, “That feels so fucking good.”

 

“Yeah?” Otabek grinned, “You like it?”

 

Yuri’s eyes closed in pleasure as Otabek gently raked his fingertips up and down his back, dipping lower and lower towards the base of his spine each time. Excitement was building inside Yuri and he felt safe and comfortable enough to take a step forward.

 

“Take off my shirt,” Yuri gasped, “Take it off,  _ now.” _

 

“Bossy,” Otabek teased with a smirk, but he obliged, gently helping Yuri remove his t-shirt. Yuri felt the rush of cool air on his bare skin as he grinned, leaning down and pressing a fierce kiss to Otabek’s lips. They fell down on the bed, laughing as they awkwardly tried to keep kissing and get Otabek’s shirt off as well. After a few blundering minutes of heated kisses and giggles, they were both shirtless, exploring each other’s chests and backs with gentle hands.

 

“Is this okay?” Yuri asked breathlessly, leaning down to kiss Otabek’s neck. Otabek moaned in response, nodding as his eyes shut tight, chest heaving. Yuri smirked at the response, moving to continue ravishing his neck with his tongue, enjoying the soft sounds that his boyfriend was making. After a few minutes of sucking and biting, Otabek was writhing underneath him, encouraging Yuri to continue. 

 

“Fuck, Yura,” Otabek gasped, eyes so dark they were nearly black, “Fuck,  _ shit…” _

 

Laughing, Yuri moved, kissing down Otabek’s chest. Otabek’s hands traveled down, hovering gently over the top of Yuri’s jeans. He seemed to be waiting for permission to move forward. Yuri shifted so that he was hovering over Otabek again, locking their eyes together. So far he felt comfortable and safe, but he wanted to make sure Otabek was as well before they moved forward. 

 

“You can touch me,” Yuri panted, “Anywhere you want.”

 

Otabek’s eyes widened in surprise and grinning, he moved his hands under the rim of Yuri’s jeans, sliding down to cup at his ass through his boxers. Yuri moaned, dropping his head down on Otabek’s shoulder, enjoying the sensation. They kissed deeply for a long time until Yuri began to feel his pants becoming uncomfortably tight. 

 

Otabek’s hands began to  _ squeeze _ and Yuri felt his mind began to blank out. Their kisses became more heated as Otabek’s hands moved and slipped under the top of his underwear, skin on skin. The sensation shot fire through Yuri’s veins and his eyes closed in ecstasy.

 

“Can I touch you like this?” Otabek gasped, clearly enjoying himself just as much as Yuri, “Is this oka-”

 

“Fuck  _ yes,” _ Yuri interrupted, “More.  _ Touch me.” _   
  


Otabek groaned, sliding one of his hands towards the front of Yuri’s boxers, the other hand raking gently down his back. Yuri was still on top of him, their hips gently brushing together. The sensations were becoming too much and they were both quickly losing themselves in each other.

 

The sweet smell of a gentle breeze wafted through the room, the lights and sounds of a city alive with bustling activity reminding Yuri of where they were. He was making out, shirtless, with his boyfriend, in  _ Paris.  _ A warmth spread through him, a confidence he hadn’t felt before in bed. This was the farthest they had ever gone with one another; their hands had never strayed below the belt before. 

 

Yuri snaked his hands down Otabek’s back as they kissed, moaning into his boyfriend’s mouth with each new touch. Eventually, his hands reached the top of Otabek’s jeans, playing with the zipper.

 

“You can take them off,” Otabek murmured, “If you want.”

 

_ Damn. Okay. Yes, that sounds good. _

 

Yuri was a little nervous, but it wasn’t from a place of anxiety, it was simply lack of experience holding him back. Determined to make his boyfriend feel as good as possible, he quickly undid the button and zipper of Otabek’s jeans, ignoring the nervous butterflies in his stomach. Otabek wriggled out and Yuri helped shimmy them down until they were flung into the corner of the room, forgotten.

 

Otabek lay on the bed, bare-chested and clothed only in his underwear. He looked at Yuri through dark lashes, and that look was enough to make Yuri  _ snap. _ The sight of his boyfriend almost naked and so sensual beneath him sent him into a frenzy. He leaned down, devouring Otabek’s mouth into a fierce kiss, still feeling his boyfriend’s hands underneath his own clothes. 

 

“You can take off mine, too,” Yuri gasped. Otabek nodded, and Yuri flopped back on the bed, allowing Otabek to be over top of him. The change in position was enough to send Yuri’s mind into the gutter, thinking of Otabek over him, touching him…

 

_ Get these fucking jeans off of me, now! _

 

Otabek struggled with Yuri’s skinny jeans, complaining playfully. “Yura, these are so damn hard to get off!”

 

“Yeah, but you like them,” Yuri grinned, “Admit it. You like staring at my ass.”

 

Otabek laughed. “Oh, I’ll admit it. I love looking at you in  _ anything.” _

 

_ Ugh, he’s so damn perfect. _

 

Once Yuri’s clothes were somewhere on the floor and they were both only in their underwear, the atmosphere in the room shifted to something more heated. They were both laying on their sides now, touching each other’s chest and backs, excitement growing.

 

_ I think...I think I can go a bit further. This feels safe. Maybe if I... _

 

“I want to put my hands on you,” Yuri admitted, “Is that okay?”

 

Otabek’s eyes grew even darker, as if imagining what Yuri was asking. “Yeah, Yura. God.  _ Yes…” _

 

Yuri gently maneuvered Otabek so he was once again beneath him. He spent a moment admiring the way his boyfriend looked, from his mussed hair down to his flushed cheeks and broad chest. Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before running both of his hands down his smooth chest. Admiring the way Otabek’s muscles rippled and moved, skin shivering under his touch, Yuri spent a while just touching him.

 

“Yura,” Otabek panted, “You’re driving me insane.”

 

_ This all feels so...safe with him. I’m still a little nervous, but he’s obviously enjoying himself, so... _

 

Yuri grinned, looking up at him seductively, before kissing back down his chest, his hand toying with the top of Otabek’s boxers. After a few moments, he summoned the courage to slip his hand in, gripping Otabek’s ass like he had for Yuri earlier. The reaction was immediate, Otabek surging up and locking their lips together in a fierce kiss. Yuri, more than encouraged by the response, slipped his other hand down the back of his boxers so all he was feeling was Otabek’s skin. 

 

“Yura,” Otabek moaned, pulling away, “I...you can...take everything off me, if you want.”

 

_ Is he...oh… _

_ Fuck. _

_ Yeah, yeah I want to. _

 

“Are you sure?” Yuri asked softly, stalling their movements. If he was going to be brave, he wanted to be sure that Otabek wanted it as much as he did.

 

“Yeah,” Otabek murmured, reaching up and stroking Yuri’s cheek, “I told you before, I want everything with you.”

 

Yuri nodded, kissing Otabek before sliding his hands towards the front of Otabek’s boxers. It was nerve-wracking and a little scary, but the encouraged panting from his boyfriend was enough to spur him into action. He gently moved his hands up and with Otabek’s wriggling hips, they got his boxers off completely.

 

Now totally bare under Yuris unabashed gaze, Otabek lay back on the bed, looking at Yuri once again under dark lashes. Yuri swallowed, the sight of his boyfriend fully exposed making his heart pound and his body flush with heat.

 

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Yuri whispered in admiration, causing Otabek to blush. Yuri’s stomach flipped at the sight. They kissed for awhile, hands intertwining, enjoying each other’s closeness. It felt safe, unrushed, and perfect to Yuri, who was marvelling at his own inner strength. He figured he’d be falling to pieces by now, but the safety of having his boxers still on, plus being the one in charge, made him feel safe enough to continue.

 

Summoning his courage, Yuri’s hands slowly moved down Otabek’s sides, one resting on his abdomen. Otabek actually  _ whined _ at the touches and Yuri realized that his boyfriend was already hard.

 

“Do...can I…” Yuri started, unable to tear his eyes away, “Beka, can I?”

 

Otabek was breathing hard, seeing Yuri’s hand just inches above his cock. He threw back his hand, arms falling back behind him. 

 

“Yes. Fuck, yes, Yura.  _ Please,” _ he gasped. Yuri swallowed, with both lust and nerves battling inside of him. 

 

“Okay. Did you...I mean, do you have...lube?” he blushed. 

 

Otabek nodded. “It’s in the bedside drawer. I packed some just in case. I wanted to be safe.”

 

Yuri kissed Otabek’s forehead before standing up, walking over to the drawer and pulling on the small bottle. He had never used lube before, but he had researched a lot about sex in the past year of their relationship, and they had discussed about safety and comfort for them both. 

 

Yuri was determined to make everything they did together as good as it could possibly be. He knew Otabek was probably ready for sex, but Yuri wasn’t sure if he ever would be. But touching...he could handle touching. 

 

Yuri opened the bottle spreading the lube on his hand before looking down at his boyfriend. Otabek looked wrecked and Yuri hadn’t even put a hand on him. Encouraged by the look, he swallowed before scooting down a little. He briefly wondered why he was so composed, while Otabek was falling apart under his gaze, but the realization of why hit him before he could finish his thought.

 

_ Oh. My meds. Well, at least I can give Beka a good time. And this...it feels really good, and it feels safe. _

 

“Are you ready?” he asked softly, turning his attention back to his boyfriend. Otabek nodded with an intense look on his face as Yuri took a deep breath, wrapping his hand around Otabek’s cock. The feeling of having Otabek in his hands was almost overwhelming, and Yuri marvelled at the sensation.

 

_ “Holy fucking shit,” _ Otabek cursed, throwing his head back, “Fuck,  _ Yura.” _

 

Yuri began to move his hand more quickly, from base to tip, finding a solid rhythm. Otabek was whimpering underneath him, the sight making Yuri feel incredible.

 

_ I’m doing this. I’m making him feel this good. Me. _

 

He leaned down, swallowing Otabek’s next moan with a kiss as he began to pump his hand faster and harder. Otabek began to pant, gasping into Yuri’s mouth, small whimpers and cries emitting from him.

 

“Yura,” he moaned, “Yura...I...I’m…”

 

Yuri sensed Otabek tensing, and he kept his hand moving. “Come on, Beka,” he said softly, “Come for me.”

 

He cringed inwardly at saying something so cliched out loud, but it obviously worked, because moments later, Otabek came, writhing and twisting underneath Yuri. He panted and shook for several moments before throwing an arm up over his face. Careful not to get his lubed hand on either of them, Yuri shifted up and kissed Otabek deeply, the musky scent of what they had just done intoxicating him.

 

_ I made him come. _

_ With my hand. _

_ Holy fuck, that was amazing. _

 

“Yura…” Otabek gasped, “You... _ fuck _ , I love you.”

 

Yuri smirked. “That good, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Otabek murmured, a bright smile lighting up his face, “That felt so amazing.”

 

Yuri grinned, kissing Otabek once before sliding out of bed over to the small sink in the bathroom. After washing his hands, he came back over and slid into bed, kissing the side of his boyfriend’s face, before snuggling next to him. 

 

“I love you too, Beka,” he murmured softly. Otabek was still coming down off of his high, and he curled around Yuri, sighing happily.

 

_ He gets cuddly after sex stuff. Good to know. _

_ Ugh, I’m tired, though. It was awesome to make him feel good, but now I just want to cuddle. _

 

“Yura, don’t you want…” Otabek began, pausing for a moment, “Don’t you want me to…”

 

Yuri shook his head. “No, I’m good. I just want you to hold me.”

 

Otabek sighed into Yuri’s hair, kissing the side of his head. Even though their cuddling was innocent, Yuri still marveled at the feeling of Otabek’s bare skin. Now that they had stopped moving, the room was beginning to get a little colder, and Yuri reached down to pull the big, fluffy blanket over them both.

 

“Mmm,” Otabek murmured, “Yura, this is nice. Are you  _ sure _ you don’t want me to do something?”

 

Yuri shook his head again, resting it on Otabek’s chest. “No. Honestly, that was amazing. Doing that for you. I’m just really tired now and my meds...well, you know.”

 

Otabek brought a hand up to run through Yuri’s hair, gently petting the golden strands. “I know,” he replied, “But if you do want me to, tonight or ever, promise me you’ll ask, okay?”

 

“Promise,” Yuri mumbled, yawning softly. The bright lights of Paris gleamed through their window and Yuri felt pride seep through his bones. 

 

_ I made him this happy. I did this. _

_ We did something together and I didn’t freak out.  _

_ I still don’t think I can go much further than this, but… _

_ God, if it’s that amazing just to make Beka feel good, I… _

_ Maybe I really can be happy. _


	10. Every Turn I Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos!!!
> 
> I uploaded this chapter on mobile so if anything looks odd, please let me know.

The next day they were up and about early. Yuri made it his mission to see as many of the big sights as possible, glad that most of them were within walking distance.

 

They begun their day at Notre Dame, waiting in a long line to tour the cathedral. There were lots of street performers to entertain them and the people watching was very good. They walked around the city for a long time, seeing the Eiffel Tower up close and personal. Spending time taking pictures around the city, they took most of the day just spending time together. After dinner at a small bistro, they walked around the city, enjoying the nightlife. After a time they stumbled upon an outdoor ice rink, and Otabek pulled Yuri over.

 

“Come on, it will be fun!” Otabek said excitedly.

 

The rink was crowded, lots of couples and young families skating in gentle circles on the ice, music playing over the loudspeakers. Lots of kids were using what looked like PVC pipe skating aids, stumbling happily alongside their parents. Yuri’s heart sunk a bit at the sight, looking at something he would never be able to have with his own family.

 

_I thought I could make it through vacation without thinking about it, but I guess I can't._

 

He didn't realize how much time had passed until Otabek tapped his shoulder gently, pulling him from his thoughts. He held out two pairs of beat up skates that had obviously been rented from the booth.

 

“Those look like shit,” Yuri observed, “Are you sure those are even metal blades?”

 

Otabek laughed, gently handing the smaller pair to Yuri. “Come on, Yura, they’re not that bad. It might be fun, right?”

 

Yuri smiled in spite of himself, excited to get on the ice. They sat down on a nearby bench, lacing their skates and chatting happily. Once they were done up, Yuri wiggled his toes experimentally.

 

_Man, these skates suck. But they fit okay._

 

Otabek stood, holding out his hand. Yuri grabbed a hold of it and pushed himself up, both of them heading over to the rink. The soft glow of lanterns illuminated the ice and the music changed to a pensive pop song, the words sparking fondness to well up deep inside of Yuri.

 

It looked like there were no experienced skaters on the ice except for them, just families and kids wanting to skate for fun. The center of the ice was empty and Yuri eyed it before looking up at Otabek.

 

“I bet I can skate Victor’s _Stammi Vicino_ better than you,” Yuri challenged. He knew Otabek had the routine down, all the younger skaters had tried to copy it after Victor first debuted it.

 

“You’re on,” Otabek responded, and they stepped onto the ice, gently weaving their way through the throng. They did some warm up spins and jumps together, unaware of the attention they were getting from some of the other people on the ice. After both of them felt sufficiently warmed up, they took starting positions and began to skate Victor’s old routine.

 

Mirroring each other on each movement, Yuri felt freedom flow through his body, the joy of skating overtaking him and sending his mind into a place of calm and peace.

 

_Skating is the one thing that can ground me, no matter what. And...I guess...he can, too._

 

Both jumping at the exact same moment, they each landed a quad salchow perfectly, oblivious to applause from an audience they had attracted. After a while, they ran out of Victor’s routine and began improvising. Otabek skated over to him and held out his arms with a smile.

 

_Pair skating? Is he serious?_

 

Yuri skated over, allowing Otabek to get in position behind him and start to lead them around the ice. Neither of them had ever attempted pair skating before, but they had danced together off the ice enough times to know each other’s movements fairly well.

 

“How much do you trust me?” Otabek murmured in Yuri’s ear as they glided around the ice gracefully.

 

“Uh...do I want to know why you’re asking me that?” Yuri asked in trepidation.

 

Otabek released him spinning around so they were facing each other, Yuri now skating backwards. The ice was completely clear now except for them, still unaware that they were being watched and many people were recording on their phones.

 

“Would you let me lift you?” Otabek asked with a smile and Yuri’s heart skipped a beat.

 

_Holy shit. That’s kind of dangerous, Yakov would kill me for doing this without practicing it first, but fuck...I know he won’t hurt me._

 

“If you drop me, you have to tell Yakov,” Yuri challenged, still skating around the rink.

 

Otabek laughed, “It’s a deal, but I promise I won’t.”

 

Yuri nodded, moving himself to the center of the ice. He did a few graceful spins, practicing part of his step sequence from his Olympic free skate. Eventually he heard Otabek glide up behind him and he felt hands on his waist.

 

“Alright, Yura, you ready?” Otabek asked, “Okay, let’s skate forward.”

 

They began to skate together, Otabek gently holding onto Yuri’s waist. When they had reached enough speed, Otabek’s grip tightened and he lifted Yuri up into the air, a good few feet off of the ice. Yuri couldn’t help but laugh as he looked around, finally noticing all the cameras pointing his way. He threw his arms out letting Otabek spin them in a slow, gentle circle, before he was gradually brought back to the ice.

 

Otabek spun him around to face him and they kissed passionately, hearing applause and cheering from the crowd. The music finally died out and was replaced by something faster and their audience joined them on the ice, sensing the performance was over. Yuri grinned at Otabek, gently taking hold of his hand.

 

They skated for a while longer, hand-in-hand, revelling in each other’s company. Yuri’s heart was so full he almost had tears in his eyes. It took him a while to sort through his thoughts, to figure out what he was feeling.

 

 _I...god, I just love him so fucking much._  
_He is...everything. I am so lucky._

 

Yuri was suddenly overwhelmed by his feelings and he pulled Otabek to the side of the rink where the crowd was the thinnest.

 

“Yura? You alright?” Otabek asked with some concern. Yuri nodded, desperately trying to think of a way to explain his emotions to him.

 

“I…” he began before getting tongue-tied, “I just love you so damn much.”

 

Otabek’s eyes softened, pulling Yuri into an ardent embrace. “I love you too, Yura. More than anything.”

 

They held each other for a long time, oblivious to all around them. When they eventually pulled apart, they both agreed it was time to head back to their apartment, both wanting some time alone together.

 

They agreed to walk home, enjoying the Paris scenery. It was chilly, the nighttime bringing with it a nip in the air. Yuri shivered a little, and Otabek wrapped an arm around him, bringing him close. Staying silent, Yuri just stared wide-eyed at the scenery around them, still not quite able to believe that they were actually in France.

 

_I love Otabek. I love him and we’re in Paris and we just pair skated together and...fuck, if you had told me last year I’d be here, I would’ve…_

 

The sight of the golden lights around the Eiffel Tower pulled Yuri back to reality and he stared, feeling in awe of his surroundings. He felt Otabek staring down at him and after a while, he looked up to meet his eyes.

 

“What is it?” he asked, causing the other to blush.

 

“Your eyes are sparkling,” Otabek mumbled, “It’s...you look really good. It’s hard not to stare.”

 

It was Yuri’s turn to blush now, looking bashfully down at the sidewalk. Otabek’s unfailing honesty took him by surprise a lot, and this was one of those times. He reached out and grabbed Otabek’s hand, threading their fingers together, heart pounding at the touch. They continued to walk together, until they finally reached their apartment.

 

Heading up the stairs, Otabek unlocked the door and they entered, Yuri sighing and flopping facedown on the bed. It had been an incredible day but he was exhausted and looking forward to some time relaxing. He heard Otabek put down the keys and drop his jacket on the couch before dropping gently on the bed next to Yuri.

 

 _Fuck he smells so good and he’s right there and I just want to grab him and kiss him senseless._  
_I just want to grab him._  
_What…  
My head feels so...out of control right now. Is it just because I want him?_

 

Brain on overdrive from the heightened emotion of the day, Yuri felt a little like a kid who had too much sugar or someone who drank too much coffee in one sitting. The jittery, reckless excitement burned through him and he recognized quickly that it was actually a manifestation of his anxiety. He was too over-stimulated, and his brain was trying to overcompensate by flooding him with feelings.

 

_Shit. Shit, shit. Okay. This is not a good night to do anything sexual.  
I should tell him now. But, god, I want to…_

 

“Hey,” Otabek murmured, unaware of Yuri’s internal struggle, “Want to...continue where we left off yesterday?”

 

_Fuck yes.  
_ _But should I?_

 

Yuri swallowed, eyes dark and large. “Yeah, I do. But...I don’t think I should tonight.”

 

He didn’t miss how Otabek’s face fell ever so slightly, a sign that he was concerned. He shifted so he was facing Yuri while laying on his side, Yuri looking up to meet his eyes.

 

“Are you okay?” Otabek asked quietly, “We...we had a great day, right?”

 

_I hate that this makes him so sad. I never know how to deal with this._

 

“Yeah, it was incredible,” Yuri said, meaning every word, “But my head...it’s really...loud, right now. I don’t think...sex stuff is a good idea, not tonight.”

 

Otabek nodded in understanding. “Okay. I’m glad you told me. Can I...is cuddling okay?”

 

Yuri smiled. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

 

Moving so they were close together, Yuri snuggled his face in the crook of Otabek’s neck, their legs tangled together. Yuri wrapped one arm around Otabek’s waist while he felt a hand run through his own hair, gentle and soft.

 

“Is this okay?” Otabek asked softly.

 

“Mmm,” Yuri murmured, a happy smile on his face, “S’good.”

 

They held each other for a long time until Yuri drifted off to sleep, feeling safe in Otabek’s arms.

 

When Yuri came to himself again, he was standing alone looking out at the Eiffel Tower on the balcony of their apartment. Wondering curiously how he got there, he turned to ask Otabek, but was shocked to see that his boyfriend was gone.

 

Heart pounding in inexplicable fear, he looked back out the window to see not the skyline of Paris, but the dark skies of nighttime St. Petersburg.

 

 _What is going on?_  
_Oh, fuck, I’m dreaming.  
__Shit._

 

Yuri tried to wake himself up, but his body was still sleeping, despite his mind being wide awake. He moved through the dream, fear coursing through him and something ominous, something just out of his reach. He gradually began to forget that it was a dream, feeling more frightened by the minute.

 

_I don’t like this. It’s too quiet...and where is Beka?_

 

Sensing something coming closer towards him, Yuri’s eyes darted until he spotted the closet with its doors open. Darting inside, he closed the doors quickly, yelping in shock as someone put a hand over his mouth.

 

“Hush,” the voice said, sounding terrified, “Do you want him to find us?”

 

_Beka? Is that you? What...he sounds so young…_

 

Yuri turned to see Otabek, but it was Otabek as he had first met him, a kid. He look petrified, shaking in a small ball in the corner.

 

“Hush,” the small version of Otabek said again, “He’s coming, he’s coming…”

 

“Who’s coming?” Yuri whispered, shocked that his voice was coming out small and high-pitched as well, realizing he was his own childhood self.

 

“A bad man,” Otabek whispered, “He’s right outside the door…”

 

Yuri’s heart pounded in his chest, the fear sending him into an overwhelming state of panic. The closet doors opened slowly, a hand reaching in towards them. Tiny Otabek squeaked in terror and Yuri shut his eyes tightly, the fear consuming him.

 

_No, no, I won’t let him get us! No! God, wake UP! WAKE UP!_

 

Yuri shot up in bed, gasping for air. He felt Otabek stir next to him, immediately waking at the sound of Yuri struggling to breathe. Feeling a panic attack coming, Yuri desperately tried to orient himself to his surroundings.

 

“Yura?” Otabek mumbled, sitting up next to him.

 

_Am I awake? This could still be the dream…_

 

“Beka, are you real?” Yuri rushed out desperately, clutching at his chest as he attempted to slow his breathing.

 

“I’m real,” Otabek said quickly, “You’re in Paris and you had a nightmare. I’m going to hold you now, okay?”

 

Yuri nodded, still feeling shaken. The ominous feeling from the dream still lingered, but it dissipated somewhat as he felt two solid, warm arms wrap around him and hold him tightly. He clutched at the arms with his hands, trying to find some friction to make himself feel grounded. His breathing gradually slowed down, Otabek murmuring softly in his ear.

 

_I hate this. I hate that I can have such a good day and this shit can still jump out at me._

 

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, burying his face against Otabek’s arm, “I’m sorry you have to put up with this shit.”

 

He felt Otabek tense a little at the words and then a soft kiss on the back of his head.

 

“Don’t ever apologize for this,” Otabek said, “It isn’t your fault.”

 

_It may not be my fault I have dreams, but it is my fault that you’re dealing with them._

 

“I hate it,” he admitted softly, “I’m sick of trying so fucking hard.”

 

Otabek kissed his hair again, curling himself around Yuri. “I know, Yura. I know how hard you’re working. Don’t let one nightmare throw off your confidence. I’ll hold you as long as you want me to, if that helps.”

 

_I just want this to be over. I hate that even on vacation...I’m not free from it. Maybe if I think about us skating today…_

 

Yuri was shaking a little, still crashing from the dream. He turned so he was completely pressed against Otabek, face buried in his chest. Snuggling as close as humanly possible, he attempted to calm himself down. The steady rise and fall of Otabek’s breathing did help and after several long minutes, Yuri was calmer.

 

_I still don’t feel one hundred percent awake._

 

“Beka, distract me,” he said unabashedly, “Please.”

 

Otabek shifted without a word, rolling over to grab something. A rush of cold air hit Yuri at the separation and he groaned in protest. Otabek heard and rolled back over, wrapping up Yuri against his side.

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to get my phone,” Otabek murmured, “I want you to see something.”

 

Yuri raised an eyebrow but he waited patiently for Otabek to click on a video. It was a badly shot phone video of a public skating rink, with lots of cheering and screaming in the background.

 

_Wait, is that…_

 

“It’s us,” Otabek said quietly, “From today. It’s...uh...gone viral. It already has almost a million views.”

 

_Holy fuck. That’s kind of embarrassing, considering how shittily we were skating._

 

Yuri took the phone wordlessly and looked for himself. He laughed a little at the title of the video, Olympic Skaters Give Impromptu Performance in Paris.

 

“Holy hell,” Yuri said, “You weren’t kidding. It’s everywhere…”

 

Not only was the video on YouTube, but it had made its rounds on all the social media sites. Yuuri and Victor had already commented on it on Instagram and Phichit had even uploaded it to his own page, with lots of happy heart emoticons.

 

“I have no idea why people are so interested in us,” Otabek said, bewildered, “It’s so bizarre.”

 

“I know,” Yuri agreed, “But...at least for once, this is good attention. And it helped distract me, so thank you.”

 

They continued to laugh and talk quietly for hours until sleep finally overtook them both.

 

Yuri didn’t dream at all.

 


	11. Every Trail I Track

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Fair warning, this chapter deals with sex, and Yuri's handling thereof.

The rest of their week in Paris was spent sightseeing and genuinely enjoying one another’s company. Yuri felt pretty good most of the time; relaxed and in a pleasant mood. He didn’t have anymore nightmares and he and Otabek spent their nights exploring one another, never going too far, but still burning under one another’s touch.

 

Yuri still hadn’t let himself be touched beyond what they had done on their first night, but he was gradually becoming more bold with his exploration of Otabek’s body. They had discussions each night about their boundaries and what they were okay with doing, and Yuri felt completely safe each time they were together.

 

The only bad thing that had happened that week was a surprise call from Yakov. They had been walking around the Tuileries Gardens near the Eiffel Tower when Yuri’s phone had begun to ring.

 

“Hello?” Yuri asked, confused when he saw Yakov’s name appear on his phone.

 

_ “What the hell were you thinking?” _ Yakov screamed,  _ “I saw that video of the two of you! How dare you try lifts without supervision? Do you have a death wish? The new season begins in less than three months!” _

 

Yuri rolled his eyes,  _ tsking _ into the phone. “Whatever. It’s fine, he didn’t drop me. Look, I’ve got to go.”

 

_ “Yuri, don’t you dare hang up on-” _

 

Yuri hung up. Otabek raised an eyebrow at the exchange, but Yuri just shrugged. 

 

After that, Yuri switched his phone off. Knowing it was rude and disrespectful to ignore his coach, he quashed the slight guilt and pushed it from his mind. He didn’t care about anything going on in the outside world, only spending time with his boyfriend and healing as much as he could. By the time the final day of their stay arrived, Yuri wasn’t ready to leave.

 

_ I can’t believe it’s been a whole week. I don’t want to go back to Russia, I want to keep traveling. I wonder…I wonder if we could go to Kazakhstan? Maybe I'll ask Beka about it tonight. _

 

On the final night in Paris, he and Otabek had decided to stay in and enjoy the beautiful view from their apartment. Yuri was nervous, knowing that if he was going to make some big kind of leap in their sex life while in Paris, tonight would have to be the night. However, he still hadn’t been able to take off all of his clothes around Otabek. He wasn’t sure what the block was, exactly, only that the thought of exposing all of himself was petrifying. Otabek never pushed, or asked, but Yuri knew he was worried about him, worried that their relationship wasn’t on equal ground. He had gotten bolder with exploring Otabek’s body, using his hands to touch and make him feel good. He wanted to be bold enough to use his mouth, but the thought of doing that made him feel sick.

 

_I don't think I'll **ever** be ready for that._

 

Yuri had been battling with himself internally for days over what he wanted to do in bed. He wanted to push his own boundaries, wanted to be able to let Otabek touch him, to let go, but the combination of his medication and his mental blocks weren’t allowing him to go further. 

 

_ I wonder if I had skipped my meds for a day...just one day, I wonder if that would’ve… _

_ No, don’t be an idiot, Yuri. You know that’s a stupid idea. Fuck. _

 

“What’s up?” Otabek asked from next to him on the bed, looking up from his phone. Yuri realized he had been sitting with his brow furrowed, a hand gripping on his hair tightly. Otabek knew that it was the face he made when he was thinking very hard about something. 

 

_ I’m thinking about skipping my meds so I can have sex with you, that’s what. _

 

“Nothing,” he mumbled, “I’m alright.”

 

Otabek raised an eyebrow, sitting up to face him on the bed. Setting his phone down next to him, he turned his full attention to Yuri.

 

_ Ugh he can always see right through me. Okay then, let’s just skip the bullshit. _

 

“Fine, I’m not,” Yuri growled, looking down at the sheets, clenching his hands together.

 

Otabek shifted so he was sitting crossed-legged, almost knee-to-knee with Yuri. “What’s going on?”

 

Yuri sighed heavily, face burning. “I...God, Beka, I want to do more with you, okay? It’s all I’ve been thinking about. But...I.. _.” _

 

Multiple emotions flitted across Otabek’s face before he gently took a hold of Yuri’s tense hands, gradual getting him to relax, while his expression settled into something soft and gentle.

 

“Yura, we don’t have to do  _ anything, _ I’m happy just being with yo-”

 

“Stop saying that!” Yuri interrupted, “I know you want to do more, too, Beka, don’t lie! It…”

 

_ It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you when you say that to me. It makes me feel like… you think I’m going to fall apart. _

 

“Yura-”

 

“No!” Yuri growled, surging forward, pressing his forehead against Otabek’s, “I’m not going to break, Beka, I  _ swear. _ I...I want to push myself, I want to try to let you…”

 

_ To let you touch me. _

 

Otabek looked him over, seeing the wild darkness in his eyes, and seemed to be making a decision. 

 

“I will only do what you tell me you are comfortable with,” Otabek said after a pause, “Otherwise, I won’t be comfortable.”

 

_ Fuck. Okay. _

 

“And if I say I want to push myself? Would you…” Yuri trailed off, hesitating for only a moment, “Would you let me?”

 

Otabek looked at him for a long time, long enough that Yuri began to feel a twitching kind of embarrassment flood through him. 

 

_ What is he thinking? Why is he just staring at me? _

 

“Alright,” Otabek finally murmured, “If that’s what you want. But Yura...I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

“You won’t hurt me,” Yuri said passionately, “I promise I’ll tell you if it’s too much for me.”

 

Otabek nodded and as they had done the few previous nights, they both stripped down to only their boxers. It was how they had been sleeping, but Yuri still felt a shudder go through him each time he saw his boyfriend’s bare skin. They lay down next to each other on the bed, looking at one another with gentle eyes. Yuri’s heartbeat quickened as Otabek ran a soft hand through his hair.

 

“Your hair is getting long,” Otabek murmured, running his fingers through the strands, “I like it.”

 

_ That feels so fucking good, but it’s making me drowsy.  _

 

“Beka, if you don’t stop petting me, I’m going to fall asleep,” Yuri mumbled, eyes already half lidded, “If you want me relaxed, it’s working.”

 

Otabek chuckled, shifting so he was leaning over Yuri, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his lips before pulling away slightly. “Relaxed is a good look for you. Yura...you’ve been so good to me the past few nights. If you really want to try some things, would you let me take care of you?”

 

_ Fuck. Yes. _

 

Yuri nodded, locking eyes with Otabek. “Yes. I...I want you to try on me....what I’ve been doing for you.”

 

_ If I can’t even articulate what I want out loud without blushing, how am I going to convince him I really want this? _

 

“My hand on you?” Otabek asked softly, lips inches away from Yuri’s. Yuri blushed in spite of himself, but he nodded. He wasn’t sure if he’d be okay with it, but he at least wanted Otabek to try. 

 

“Yeah,” he whispered, “But I’m not sure I even can, with my meds. I...could we...kiss a little while longer, first?”

 

Otabek smiled softly, leaning down and capturing Yuri’s lips in a gentle, yet passionate, kiss. He moved so he was completely over top of Yuri, straddling him while Yuri wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders. Otabek groaned into the kiss, gripping a hand in Yuri’s hair, the other hand splayed across his chest.

 

_ Fuck, this is amazing. I’m feeling okay. I think I can go further. _

 

Yuri pulled away for a moment, looking up at Otabek to gain his attention. Once he had his boyfriend’s eyes on him, he swallowed nervously before speaking. “You...you should take off your clothes. And mine.”

 

Otabek’s eyebrows raised up. They were only clad in their boxers, yet this was a step Yuri hadn’t taken yet. He had seen Otabek naked several times, but Otabek had never seen all of him. Not taking their eyes off of each other, Otabek reached down, pushing his boxers down and off of his legs, throwing them into the corner. He gently placed his hands on Yuri’s hips, waiting for permission to move. Heart pounding wildly, Yuri lay his arms back on either side of his head, relaxing as much as he could.

 

“Please,” he murmured, “It’s okay, Beka. Please...take them off.”

 

_ I want this. _

 

Otabek’s eyes darkened as he gently slid his hands under the band of Yuri’s underwear. He began to slide them down, Yuri lifting his hips to help them along. When they were both finally bare, they spent a moment just gazing at each other. Yuri had imagined this a thousand times, how he’d feel, what he’d think. He expected some level of panic, but so far, his mind was calm.

 

He was with Otabek.

He was _safe._

 

“You are...unbelievable,” Otabek whispered reverently, eyes scanning up and down Yuri’s body, “I... _ Yurachka…” _

 

_ Fuck. _

 

The use of the nickname spurned Yuri into pulling Otabek down in a fierce kiss. His heart was full, trust and love burned through his skin and he tried to give it to Otabek, tried to let him feel what he was feeling.

 

_ I trust you. I love you. I trust you. I love you. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. _

 

They kissed for what felt like hours, both careful not to press their hips together too soon. Yuri was beginning to feel a whine build up in the back of his throat as Otabek moved down to kiss his neck. He threw his arms back over his head, eyes closing as he focused only on the sensations coursing through his body.

 

“Beka,  _ more _ ,” Yuri panted, unsure of what he was asking for, “Please,  _ please.” _

 

Otabek groaned, moving to kiss Yuri’s chest. “Fuck, Yura, you’re going to kill me.”

 

Otabek continued to kiss down Yuri’s chest, stopping when he reached his stomach, as they had never strayed that far with their mouths before. He pulled up slightly, moving a hand down to rest on Yuri’s hipbone.

 

“Do you want me to touch you?” Otabek asked, a tremor in his voice betraying what may have been his own nerves, “I need you to tell me it’s okay.”

 

“Yeah,” Yuri breathed, “I...I want to try.”

 

Otabek leaned up and kissed him softly before grabbing the lube off of the bedside table. He opened it and put some on his fingers. Yuri noticed his hands were shaking.

 

“Beka, are you nervous?” Yuri asked quietly. The blush on his boyfriend’s face answered the question.

 

“I’ve never done this before,” Otabek mumbled, face burning, “I...I want it to be good for you.”

 

Yuri’s heart swelled with adoration for his boyfriend. He knew that Otabek was worried not only because of his inexperience, but also not wanting to push Yuri’s boundaries.

 

“Beka, you won’t hurt me,” Yuri said softly, “I promise I’ll tell you if I need you to stop.”

 

Otabek nodded, swallowing hard, before his gaze turned down to Yuri’s hips. Yuri gripped his hands in the sheets, while Otabek leaned down and kissed his chest, and then wrapped his hand around Yuri.

 

_ Oh. _

 

Yuri had dreamed about what it would feel like to be touched like this, by someone who loved him, someone who cared. He had expected to panic, thinking only of the horrors he had been through, but as they had been so careful and so honest with one another about their boundaries, Yuri  _ knew _ he was completely safe. He knew Otabek would stop in an instant if he asked.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

The rhythm of Otabek’s hand increased in speed and Yuri whimpered, his hips lifting involuntarily as he fisted the sheets. His tousled hair was a mess, laying over his shoulders and across his face, a sheen of sweat breaking out across his brow. 

 

_ Fuck, this feels so good.  _

 

“You’re gorgeous,” Otabek gasped, watching as Yuri threw his head back, eyes closed, chest flushed pink.

 

_ He thinks I’m gorgeous. _

 

_ “More,” _ Yuri begged, “Fuck, more,  _ please…” _

 

Otabek obliged, and Yuri felt the sensations build up inside him. He had never been this close to the edge before while feeling this safe. 

 

“Beka, Beka,  _ Beka,” _ he whined, thrashing his head,  _ “Fuck.” _

 

“Yurachka,  _ come,”  _ Otabek growled and Yuri cried out, coming harder than he ever had in his life. The high lasted for what felt like hours, his mind buzzing with pleasant sensations. He tried to catch his breath, throwing his arm across his face. He felt the bed rise slightly and heard the sound of water running as Otabek washed his hands. After a few moments, he felt a warm sensation on his stomach, a wet washcloth cleaning him off.

 

“Yura, are you with me?” Otabek asked, a pleased note in his voice, “Was that...you know, okay?”

 

_ Fuck. Yes. I...it was amazing. My skin...it feels like it’s buzzing. Beka gets so relaxed after this when I do it to him, so why do I feel like I can run a marathon?  _

_ Oh, fuck, this is my anxiety. But why? I’m on meds, it was completely consensual, and I liked it.  _

_ So why do I feel this way? _

 

“Yura?” Otabek asked again, sounding concerned this time.

 

_ Fuck, I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to touch me right now, I need to breathe on my own for a minute. _

 

“Give me a minute,” he mumbled, moving a hand to tangle in his own hair, tugging a little. The sensation brought him back to reality, and he got a handle on his breathing. He felt the buzzing sensation burn through him, replacing his pleasant high and creating a sensation of jittery nervousness. He sensed Otabek hovering, but he couldn’t bring himself to look his boyfriend in the eye.

 

“I don’t know what’s going on,” he said after a long minute, “I can’t calm down. I...I don’t want to be naked right now.”

 

Otabek was at his side, but being very careful not to touch him.

 

“Do you want me to help you put your clothes back on?” Otabek asked very quietly, a little hurt shining through his controlled sentence.

 

_ Beka, aw shit, this isn’t your fault. It’s just my fucked up brain. _

 

“Yeah,” Yuri breathed, “All...all of them, would be good.”

 

Otabek helped him slide into his underwear and sweatpants, and finally helped him get on a long-sleeved shirt, the soft black shirt of Victor’s that Yuri loved. Yuri let his eyes fall shut again, keeping a hand tangled in his hair while he heard Otabek get dressed beside him.

 

“I loved it, Beka,” Yuri said after Otabek had lain down next to him, "This isn’t because of anything you did.”

 

He rolled over, facing an uncertain-looking Otabek, reaching out to run a gentle hand through his hair.

 

“And I love you,” Yuri continued, “So don’t kick yourself for this, okay? It’s just...it’s a lot, for my head. But I liked everything we did. Screw that, I fucking  _ loved _ it.”

 

Otabek moved to kiss Yuri’s hand, eyes still dark and holding a hint of fear. “Yura, watching you come like that...it was amazing. I’m sorry that I can’t help you with this part.”

 

_ But you do. _

 

“You are helping,” Yuri said quickly, “Beka, you  _ are. _ You’re not pushing me, you’re giving me space, and you’re still  _ there. _ That’s all the help I need.” 

 

_ Someday, I’ll be able to do more. Or not. But I know that I’ll be able to work through this, at least. I’m not having a panic attack or anything, I’m just...wired up. _

 

“Hell of a way to end our trip,” Otabek chuckled weakly, and Yuri felt his heart drop for his boyfriend.

 

_ He’s so fucking sad. And he would feel worse if he knew I was catching on to that. _

 

“It doesn’t have to be the end,” Yuri murmured, “What if we fly to Almaty before we go back to Russia? I miss your family.”

 

Otabek raised an eyebrow. “Really? You’d want to go back and see them after last time?”

 

“Of course I would,” Yuri said, “I want to see them. I think it would be good for us to go back.”

 

Otabek smiled, holding Yuri’s hand gently. “Okay. I’ll change our flight, then. Let me text my mom to let her know.”

 

While Otabek got his phone out to text his parents, Yuri let his mind drift, let his body go limp. The anxiousness still flooded his senses, but it wasn’t as bad as before. While Otabek searched and typed to change their flight, Yuri sorted through what they had just done.

 

_ I let Otabek touch me. _

_ I like it, I wanted it, it felt good. _

_ I got anxious after. I still am. But that’s okay. _

_ It’s not as bad as before. Nothing is as bad as before. _

_ It’s like...an echo of what I felt last year. _

_ Even though I still need my space after things like this, I think… _

_ I really think my walls are starting to break down. _

 

“Beka,” Yuri mumbled sleepily, getting his attention, “Will you hold me?”

 

Otabek looked up from his phone in surprise, quickly typing something in before throwing it down and crawling up the bed towards him. He gently wrapped himself around Yuri, letting Yuri bury his face against his chest, their legs intertwining. 

 

“Sorry you had to wait,” Yuri mumbled, yawning a little, “I just needed a minute.”

 

“It’s okay, Yura,” Otabek said happily, “I’m just glad you’re alright. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too,” Yuri sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to Otabek’s chest through his t-shirt before snuggling against him. They lay like that for a while, each happy in their company.

 

“My mom is excited we’re coming,” Otabek said after a minute, “She told me she’s, and I quote,  _ making a feast.” _

 

Yuri laughed a little, snuggling closer. “Good. I’m excited to see her, too.”

 

_ I really am. I am feeling so much better than the last time I went to Kazakhstan.  _

_ I think I’m really starting to move past some things.  _

_ Although...this is making me start to think. Everything with Beka’s mom… _

_ I think it might be time for me... _

 

“Beka,” Yuri said more seriously, “I think when we get back to Russia…”

  
He paused for a moment, taking a breath. “I think I want to go see my mom.”


	12. Just Who You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! We're almost to the end. Thank you so much for those of you who have stuck with each one of these stories, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all!
> 
> TW: Reference to past rape/non-con

The flight back to Almaty was spent with Yuri sleeping gently against Otabek’s shoulder. They had been sad to leave Paris, but were both excited at the prospect of returning back to Kazakhstan. Yuri wasn’t feeling nearly as nervous as the last time he visited, in fact, he was looking forward to a few days with Otabek’s family.

 

Once the flight landed and they left the airport, they loaded into a cab. They spent the ride talking about casual things and how excited they were to eat Mrs. Altin’s home cooking again. After a time, the taxi pulled up into the driveway of the familiar house. Yuri’s heart leapt as he watched his boyfriend smile at the sight.

 

After paying the driver and unloading their luggage, they walked up to the house, the front door swinging open before they could reach it. A small blur hurled towards Otabek, causing him to stumble back a few steps.

 

“I missed you, big brother!” Svelta cried happily, hugging Otabek tightly around the middle. After a moment, she launched herself over at Yuri, the force of her hug almost knocking him over.

 

“We missed you too, kid,” Yuri said, gently hugging her back.

 

“My boys!” Mrs. Altin called from the house, “Come on in, I’ve got lunch all set up for you.”

 

Svetla cheered, racing into the house while Otabek shot Yuri a fond smile.

 

_ I almost forgot how nice it is here. How peaceful. _

 

When they reached the threshold, Mr. Altin hugged them both and took their suitcases up to Otabek’s room while Mrs. Altin hugged and fawned over them both.

 

“We saw your little skating video from Paris,” she teased, a mischievous glint in her eye, “I didn’t know you were switching to pairs!”

 

_ “Mom,” _ Otabek groaned, “Please, we just got here!”

 

“My coach gave me an earful about that,” Yuri said, interjecting into the conversation. Mrs. Altin looked surprised, but pleased at his comment. He was confused for a moment, and then he realized why.

 

_ It’s because the last two times she saw me I barely said a word. I’ll try and be more open this time around. _

 

“I bet he did,” Mrs. Altin responded with a smile, “Lifts without supervision, that’s kind of risky, don’t you think?”

 

Otabek groaned again but Yuri was secretly thrilled at how easily the conversation was coming to him. He had opened up a lot to Mrs. Altin in Russia, but he had been worried that in Almaty, he might revert to being more shy. He needn’t have worried as the conversation continued to flow easily between the three of them, eventually leading them to sitting around the kitchen table. Svetla and Mr. Altin joined as well, digging into the feast that Otabek’s mom had laid out.

 

“This is delicious, Mrs. Lena,” Yuri said happily, mouth full of something he had never eaten before. 

 

“Yeah, mom, this is great!” Svetla exclaimed, “Hey, Otabek, after lunch can you help me fix my bike?”

 

“Sure, sis,” Otabek replied, “Yuri can help too, he’s good at fixing things.”

 

_ What the fuck? I’ve never fixed anything in my life. _

_ Oh, he’s teasing me. Asshole. _

 

Yuri stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend, causing Svetla to laugh and Mrs. Altin to scoldingly tease them. It was all so wonderfully domestic, Yuri could not have felt more comfortable and at peace. The meal continued in relative joviality, Yuri feeling a warmth inside his chest.

 

_ I love it here. They’re so nice, fuck. _

 

When lunch was over, Yuri helped Otabek fix Svetla’s bike. He mostly just got grease on his hands and face, but his heart skipped a beat each time Otabek would smile at him. When the bike was rideable again they took Svetla down to the park and they sat in the grass together while she wheeled all across the park.

 

“This is nice,” Yuri murmured, head on Otabek’s shoulder, “It’s so relaxing here.”

 

“Yeah?” Otabek asked happily, “I’m glad you think so. Much better than the last time we were here.”

 

_ You’ve got that right. _

 

They spent the rest of the day together, relaxing and playing with Svetla. By the time night fell, they returned home, enjoying another meal with the Altin family. After the meal was over, Svetla went upstairs to bed and Otabek’s parents settled in front of the television. Yuri and Otabek were in the kitchen, having offered to do the dishes.

 

“Yura, want to go in the backyard when we’re done? You can see a lot of stars out here at night.”

 

_ Stargazing? What a sap. _

 

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Yuri said, a faint blush on his cheeks. Otabek smiled softly, helping dry the last of the dishes before they each grabbed a sweatshirt, heading out into the yard.

 

‘A lot of stars’ didn’t even  _ begin _ to describe the sight that greeted Yuri. The Altin’s lived out of the city limits, so the light pollution was minimal. Yuri had only ever lived in cities and he had never seen such a vast expanse of stars across the sky.

 

“Holy shit,” he gasped, looking up at the sea of light above them. Otabek chuckled, taking Yuri’s hand in his own.

 

“I told you,” Otabek said, “Want to go lie down over there on the tabletop? You can see a lot that way.”

 

Yuri’s stomach was full of butterflies as he nodded, walking over and laying on top of the picnic table. They lay next to each other for a long time, holding hands and gazing up at the sky. Occasionally, Otabek would lean down and kiss Yuri’s forehead while Yuri would press gentle kisses to Otabek’s hands.

 

_ I love him so much. I love it here. Maybe after next season, we can spend a whole summer here.  _

_ I don’t think I’ve ever felt this peaceful. _

 

* * *

 

The rest of their time in Almaty was spent happily, Yuri nightmare free. Otabek hadn’t brought up what he had said about wanting to visit his own mother back in Russia, letting Yuri bring it up again on his own time. They both eventually agreed that Yuri would fly back to St. Petersburg alone, spending some time with Yuuri and Victor before Otabek would fly in.

 

After long goodbyes with the Altins and a goodbye kiss to Otabek, Yuri found himself on a flight back to St. Petersburg. He slept most of the flight, preparing himself for baggage claim and possible reporters. When the plane landed, Yuri grabbed his suitcase and backpack from the luggage rack and headed out onto the tarmac.

 

“Yurio!” Victor’s cheerful voice called. Yuri turned to see him, Yuuri, and Makkachin waiting happily outside his gate. 

 

_ That fucking dork. Is he actually holding a sign? _

 

In Victor’s hands was a white sign that read _“our angry son”_ and Yuri had to resist the urge to dropkick him there and then.

 

_ Ugh, he’s so gross sometimes. _

 

“I can’t believe you made a  _ sign,” _ he scowled as he walked over. Both of the others laughed, hugging him tightly while Makkachin licked his hand. They walked out together to Victor’s car, Yuri regaling them with stories from Paris and Kazakhstan. The ride home was full of laughter and teasing, Yuri once again feeling comfortable in their presence. 

 

When they finally returned home, Yuri almost sprinted up the stairs, excited to see his cat. Flinging himself through the door, he spotted her fluffy tail on the couch. 

 

“Kobi!” he exclaimed, walking over gently and scratching her ears. She purred happily, nuzzling his hand while Victor and Yuuri chatted in the doorway, taking off their coats and bags.

 

Yuri settled on the couch, kicking off his shoes and gently pulling his cat onto his lap. Makkachin scurried over, leaping up onto his feet and Yuri felt the pleasant comfort of  _ home  _ seep into him.

 

_ I should tell them I want to see Grandpa. I’ll save Mama for when Otabek is here. _

 

“Hey, Victor?” he called, getting their attention.

 

“What is it, Yurio?” Victor called from the kitchen.

 

Yuri sighed, unsure of why he was nervous. “Can you...take me into Moscow sometime this week? I know it’s a long drive, but I really want to see Grandpa.”

 

“Of course!” Victor responded without hesitation, “You pick a day.”

 

_ Wow, he’s so...good to me. They both are. _

_ And the Altins… _

_ Beka. _

_ Maybe I really do have a family. _

 

* * *

 

Later in the week, Victor and Yuuri took him to Moscow. He had an emotional and happy visit with his Grandfather. Victor and Yuuri were with them as well, the four of them talking like old friends. Nikolai ended the visit with a hug not only to his grandson, but to the others as well, thanking them for everything that they did for Yuri. Yuri swore he saw Victor wipe away a tear.

 

After the visit with his Grandfather, Yuri’s heart was significantly lighter. Otabek would be flying to St. Petersburg in a few days, and he couldn’t be happier. They had privately discussed arrangements to visit Yuri’s mother in the correctional facility when he flew out and while he was nervous at the prospect, Yuri was ready to confront her.

 

The day come soon, with Otabek flying in and staying with them for a few days. When the weekend rolled around, Victor and Yuuri took off for a day trip out with Makkachin, and Yuri and Otabek arranged a visit to the prison. Now that Yuri was over eighteen, he could go alone.

 

They boarded a train which took them most of the way, and then grabbed cab for the rest of it. Yuri felt a little guilty that he hadn’t told Yuuri or Victor that he was going to see his mother today, but he didn’t think he could handle being smothered with worry. 

 

Eventually the cab pulled up outside the prison and they paid the driver before entering the building. Yuri’s heart pounded as he approached the reception desk. The correctional facility was more than intimidating and his heart pounded with nerves. Otabek was at his side, almost guarding him, and Yuri felt a little bit better knowing he wasn’t walking in alone. The sign in process was rigorous, plus getting scanned for weapons. 

 

_ I feel like I’m getting on a plane or something. I guess it makes sense, they have to make sure no one sneaks anything in. _

 

Once they were cleared for entry and allowed inside, Yuri’s heart pounded a little faster. Otabek was gripping his hand tightly, squeezing every few moments to reassure him. They had discussed before that Yuri would meet with his mother alone. 

 

_ Some of the things I want to say to her are private. I know Beka gets that. _

 

“Yura, are you okay?” Otabek asked softly. Yuri realized his hand was aching from squeezing Otabek’s so hard. 

 

“Sorry,” he murmured, loosening his grip, “I’m okay. Just a little nervous.”

 

Otabek nodded, keeping his expression neutral. He hadn’t ever commented on Yuri’s family, but Yuri knew he must have some kind of opinion on his mother, just not thinking it his place to talk. Figuring they could discuss it at another time, Yuri continued to walk down the hall where the inmates were meeting with their families. 

 

Reaching the door, Yuri sucked in a deep breath as he noticed a familiar sheen of blonde hair in the corner.

 

_ There she is. She looks...kind of the same. _

 

“I’ll be right outside if you need me,” Otabek murmured noticing his breathing began to pick up in speed, “I promise.”

 

“Okay,” Yuri rushed out, “Okay.”

 

_ Fuck, I don’t think I can do this. _

 

Yuri continued to stand at the door, unable to make himself enter the room. His thoughts were twisting and turning in his head and he gripped at his arm tightly. After a few long moments, Otabek leaned down and kissed the top of his head, pulling him into a gentle hug.

 

_ Why is he….oh, he’s calming me down. I didn’t realize how worked up I was getting. _

 

“You can do this,” Otabek encouraged, “I know you can, Yura.”

 

_ I know. I know I can. _

 

“Thanks Beka,” Yuri mumbled, letting himself be held. When he pulled back, he grinned in spite of himself as Otabek shot him a thumbs up, reminiscent of their first meeting.

 

“Davai?” Otabek inquired gently and Yuri smiled.

 

“Davai.”

 

After letting go, Yuri took a deep breath to steady himself, and entered through the metal door. The room was full of people, various inmates talking to their families and friends. His mother was back in the corner, sitting in one of the uncomfortable looking plastic chairs, eyes downcast.

 

_ She looks as nervous as I do. I wonder if they told her it was me that was coming. _

 

Summoning his courage, Yuri walked into the room. It had been nearly two years since he had last seen his mother and he had grown a couple inches, his hair was longer, and he knew he looked stronger. 

 

As he walked through the room, he heard a whisper from a nearby table.

 

“Is that...Yuri Plisetsky? The Olympic silver medalist?”

 

_ Aw, fuck. Oh well, I’ve dealt with worse. I’ll just ignore it. The world knows she’s in prison anyway, it isn’t weird for me to visit her. _

 

At the sound of his approaching footsteps, his mother raised her head, eyes widening as she took in the sight of him.

 

“Yurachka…” she said in disbelief. Yuri ignored this, choosing to sit down in the chair opposite her. Despite his insides twisting and turning, he was a mask of calm on the outside.

 

_ I can break down later. Right now, I need to tell her things. _

 

“Mama,” he said quietly, “You look...good.”

 

It wasn’t a complete lie, the last time Yuri had seen her she had been high and almost at rock bottom. Now, her pale face looked a little cleaner, eyes a little brighter. She had lost the gaunt look from her drug days and now she just looked…

 

_ She looks sad. _

 

“Yurachka, what are you doing here?” she asked quietly, still in shock at his presence. 

 

_ Where do I even start? _

 

“Mama, how much do you know about what happened to me over the past two years?” he asked quietly. 

 

Her face drew in confusion but she nodded, going along with his train of thought. “Not a lot. I know you won the silver medal and I know you moved in with those skater friends of yours.”

 

_ Figures. _

 

Yuri didn’t mean to begin harshly, he had a plan of what he wanted to say, but the sight of his mother sitting here in front of him made him want to spill every last thing that had happened to him in the past year. Remembering that some of the people in the room had recognized him, he kept his voice down to a whisper.

 

“Pavel’s men,” he said, causing her eyes to widen, “Mama, when you left me after they lost the house...they got me. You left me and they  _ raped _ me.”

 

Her hands flew up to her mouth in shock, but Yuri found that he couldn’t care less.

 

“I was on the streets. Victor and Yuuri saved me. They  _ adopted  _ me. They love me.”

 

He locked eyes with her as he saw shocked tears pouring down her cheeks. 

 

“I worked so hard to keep our family together,” Yuri continued, “I put every ounce of strength into winning medals to pay off  _ your _ debts, and you had to...how could you take our rent money like that? Why?”

 

He suddenly felt small, like a child. 

 

“How could you leave me?” Yuri asked even more quietly, “How could you, Mama?

 

Her mouth was open, as if she wanted to talk but was unable to form words.

 

“My boyfriend, Otabek,” Yuri continued, “He’s been there for me this whole time. He loves me more than anyone ever has. He’s outside the door right now.”

 

Her eyes turned towards the window, seeing the stoic figure of Otabek, who was sitting on a bench flipping aimlessly through a magazine. Despite the serious conversation, Yuri’s heart still jumped a little at the sight of his boyfriend.

 

“I’m going to marry him someday,” Yuri confessed quietly. He had never said it out loud, but he believed it was true. His mother looked at him, mouth still agape.

 

“I hope you can be there to see it,” he murmured, startled to realize that it was true. There was an awkward silence that seemed to fill their corner of the room. Around them, people continued to talk, but Yuri saw that his mother was stunned into silence.

 

_ I thought I was going to talk for a while but, I...don’t have anything else to say to her. It doesn't matter. I have other people I can talk to. _

 

“Goodbye, mama,” he said quietly, standing up to leave. He had gotten a few steps when he heard her voice call out from behind him.

 

“I’m sorry!” 

 

Yuri turned, startled at the emotion that was in the words. She looked disheveled, eyes full of tears and face red.

 

“I do love you, Yurachka,” his mother said, “I always will.”

 

Tears burned in his own eyes now and a budding kind of panic inside him told him that he needed to get away.

 

“I know,” he croaked out, “I...I love you, too.”

 

_I do. I always will._

 

Before she could say anything else, Yuri turned heel again and exited as quickly as possible. He heard some murmurs near him as some people in the room recognized him, but he didn’t care. The door opened and a concerned Otabek met him with steady arms.

 

“Are you alright?” Otabek asked, scanning Yuri up and down as if looking for injuries.

 

_ That’s a dumbass question. _

 

“Not really,” Yuri confessed quietly, “But...I will be. Can we go, please?”

 

Otabek nodded, leading Yuri out of the building. The sign out process went by in a blur, Yuri focusing only on what he had told his mother.

 

“Yura,” Otabek said, getting his attention, “Yuuri and Victor are here. I called them to come get us. I hope you're not mad, I just wanted to you to have a safe space on the way home.”

 

_ Fucking hell. How does he do that? I should be mad he told them, but...he’s right. _

 

“Thank you,” he whispered. Otabek led him out into the lot where a familiar car was waiting for them. Yuuri stepped out, embracing Yuri in a warm hug. He didn’t say or ask anything, just offered wordless support. Victor was next, pulling Yuuri into a tight hug and talking a mile a minute about how worried they had been. Yuri didn’t hear a word of it.

 

He marveled at his interactions with Victor, Yuuri, and Otabek’s parents. They were all so kind and loving, so warm and supportive. It was more than he would ever get from his own parents and he felt it strongly as Victor led him into the backseat. Otabek sat down next to him while Yuuri and Victor got in the front.

 

After they began driving, Yuri took Otabek’s hand absentmindedly, rubbing his thumb over Otabek’s palm. An overwhelming feeling was coming over him, and he felt like if he didn’t say something out loud, he would burst.

 

_ This is my family now. It may not be conventional, but it’s loving and it’s mine. I...I’ve never thanked them. God, I’m so fucking lucky. Without them...I would've ended up just like her. _

 

“Hey, Victor? Yuuri?” Yuri asked quietly, causing the other two to look into the backseat.

 

“Yes, Yurio?” Victor inquired.

 

_ Fuck, just say it. _

 

“I...uh...really l-love you two, you know?” he blushed furiously, “Thanks for...you know, everything…”

 

Victor and Yuuri were looking at him with soft eyes, both clearly emotional at his words. He didn’t say much, but the stammered sentence was the only way he could convey his gratitude for all that they had done for him.

 

“We love you too,” Victor murmured, “You always have a home with us. And you too, Otabek.”

 

_ Home. _

 

Yuri’s heart burned with so many emotions he couldn’t categorize them all at once. Otabek’s warm hand held his own and he saw the happy warmth in Yuuri and Victor’s faces. One emotion stuck out above the all the rest, and that was  _ fondness. _

 

_ Home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show snapshots of Yuri receiving closure. I can't promise that every little detail will be perfectly wrapped up in the final chapter (because that isn't how life works), but I hope everyone will be satisfied with how I end it. :)


	13. Epilogue: You Can Find Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at the end. I can't tell you what it meant to have your support as I was writing this story. I truly was touched by everyone who reached out to me with their personal connections to what Yuri was going through and also to those of you who gave me ideas and helped me to develop my writing. I truly hope you enjoy this epilogue and thank you if you stuck it out this far. <3

Months had passed, and training for the new season had begun in earnest. It wasn’t as brutal as his pre-Olympic season, but Yuri was still exhausted at the end of each day. It was hard being long-distance with Otabek again, but they had each made a trip out to see the other at their home rink to help lessen the sting of the distance. Victor had officially announced his retirement from competitive skating, devoting his time to solely training Yuuri.

 

After a particularly hard practice, Yuri was leaning back on the bench, Otabek’s weathered team Kazakhstan jacket wrapped around his shoulders. He took the short break to text his boyfriend.

 

 **Beka:** You turn 19 in a week. It’s a birthday to celebrate!

 **Yuri:** Yeah, and you’ll be 21 in a month. Joint celebration?

 **Beka:** Sounds good. Almaty or St. Petersburg? I think we can convince them to give us a weekend.

 **Yuri:** Almaty for me. I want to see you DJ for my birthday ^_^

 **Beka:** I still can’t believe you haven’t seen me DJ yet. Okay, you’re on.

 **Yuri** : Good. And maybe...we can try more?

 **Beka:** More…

 **Yuri** : Shut up Beka you know what I mean

 **Beka:** Fair enough. And yes, whatever you want to do. I’ll call you tonight and we can talk, okay? I have to get back on the ice, my coach is going to murder me. Love you xx

 **Yuri:** Ok. Love you too xx

 

Yuri felt a warmth flood through him at the thought of spending time with his boyfriend. He could hardly believe that the years had flown by so quickly. He thought back to being sixteen, to being at the lowest point in his life.

 

_I can’t believe it’s been so long. Sometimes I don’t think about it at all, and sometimes it feels like it just happened._

 

He hadn’t experienced PTSD symptoms in almost a year, but he still suffered from the occasional nightmare or panic attack. While under control, his anxiety was still something he was learning to manage. Yuuri helped him a lot and gradually he began to feel himself get better. Still visiting his therapist each week, he talked through his ups and downs, grateful to have a neutral third party he could vent to any time he needed to sort through something.

 

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice as Mila skated up next to him.

 

“Hey, Yuri!” she called cheerfully, sitting next to him on the bench, “What are your birthday plans? Sara’s visiting and we could totally take you out!”

 

Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m going to Almaty to see Beka. He’s going to DJ a set for me.”

 

“Ooh, exciting! Yuri, couldn’t we come? Please?” Mila begged, “Seeing Otabek DJ would be so cool!”

 

Yuri sighed heavily. “Sure, I guess. But there’s no way you’re staying with us! I plan on keeping him to myself.”

 

Mila grinned wickedly. “And I plan on keeping Sara to myself, too. Trust me, we’ll get a hotel, punk.”

 

“Whatever, hag.”

 

Yakov cut in. “Are you two going to waste time all day chatting, or can we get to work?”

 

“Coming, coach!” they said in unison, getting up to skate.

 

* * *

 

“Yuri, what’s this I hear about Otabek DJing for your birthday?” Victor asked over the dinner table that night, “Is Yakov giving you the weekend off?”

 

Yuri nodded. “Yeah, he’s giving me next Friday through Monday. Mila’s dragging Sara out, too. You guys...um, you can come, if you...you know, if you want to.”

 

Yuuri and Victor both looked like they had won the lottery, identical twin grins spreading across their faces.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Yuri blushed, “You two are so weird.”

 

“Yuri, this is the first birthday as a family we’ll be spending with you!” Victor beamed, “Remember, your eighteenth was in Paris, and we didn’t really ever get a chance to celebrate your seventeenth.”

 

_Fuck, don’t remind me of my seventeenth birthday._

 

“Victor, hush,” Yuuri scolded, “Yuri, thanks for inviting us. We’ll fly out with you and book a hotel, okay?”

 

Yuri nodded, not feeling much like talking after the mention of his disastrous former birthday. The day his private information had been leaked to the international sporting community was not one that he liked to dwell on. The rest of the dinner continued mostly with Victor talking excitedly about the upcoming weekend in Kazakhstan.

 

Days passed and they continued to practice. Yuri kept getting texts from various skaters asking if they could join in Almaty for his birthday. He found it odd, but he would just say “sure,” not realizing how large the guest list was mounting.

 

When the weekend of Yuri’s birthday finally arrived, he sent a quick excited text to Otabek before gathering his luggage with Victor and Yuuri. Their flight was fairly smooth, Yuri filled with excited anticipation. When they eventually landed, they grabbed their small carry-ons and headed out to meet up with Otabek.

 

_I finally get to see Beka DJ. I’m so fucking excited, I have the hottest boyfriend in the world._

_..._

_Oh my god, what the fuck?_

 

Yuri’s jaw dropped open as they stepped out of their gate. About twenty skaters were standing in a group holding a large banner that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY YURI” in very poor Russian. Yuri honestly didn’t recognize everyone off the bat, but he was touched to see all his Russian rinkmates plus Phichit, Christophe, and everyone from his first GP series.

 

_Hell, even JJ and Isabella are here. I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about seeing that dick, but…_

 

He was so overwhelmed with surprise that he looked up to Victor who was beaming down at him.

 

“I told them to meet us. Surprise, Yurio!” he beamed. Yuuri put a gentle hand on his shoulder as if asking _this is okay, right?_ Yuri patted his hand in response.

 

He was greeted enthusiastically by everyone, lots of jovial pictures and selfies being taken. After about ten minutes, Yuri began to grow impatient.

 

_Where the fuck is Beka?_

 

“Oh, Yuri!” JJ called over as if on cue, “Otabek texted. Wanted me to tell you that he’ll meet you outside on the bike whenever you’re ready.”

 

“Uh, thanks?” Yuri said in confusion. _Why the fuck is Beka texting JJ?_

 

“Victor, take Yuri’s luggage,” JJ commanded, “It’s part of the master plan.”

 

_Master plan? Did Beka organize this with all of them?_

 

To Yuri’s surprise, Victor took the bags without question. “See you tonight, Yurio!” he called out while Yuri headed off towards the doors. His heart pounded as he saw a familiar leather-clad figure on a motorcycle outside. He hadn’t seen Otabek in a few weeks and he felt a thrill rush through him at the sight.

 

Otabek noticed him, too, stepping off the bike and putting the kickstand down. Yuri practically ran out of the doors, launching himself into his arms. They held each other for a long time, just enjoying the sensation of being in each other’s arms.

 

“Happy Birthday, Yura,” Otabek murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to Yuri’s forehead.

 

“You too,” Yuri mumbled, “Well, early I mean.”

 

Otabek grinned, leaning up to press a quick kiss to Yuri’s lips. Yuri had one last growth spurt over the year and he was now a few inches taller than his boyfriend, something that secretly delighted both of them.

 

“Ride with me?” Otabek gestured to the bike.

 

“Fuck yes.”

 

As the rode through the streets, Yuri realized Otabek wasn’t taking him out into the city.

 

Otabek was taking him _home._

 

They pulled into the driveway of the Altin’s home and Yuri was shocked to see that Yuuri, Victor, Sara, Mila, Phichit, and Christophe were in the yard laughing and playing with Svetla. They had obviously taken a cab and beat them to the house. The Altins were chatting animatedly with the various skaters, Svetla swooning over Yuuri’s presence.

 

_What the fuck?_

 

“I wanted you to have a birthday at home,” Otabek murmured, “I talked to Yuuri and Victor about it. We know you really haven’t had one before.”

 

Yuri was so touched he was afraid for a moment that he might actually cry. They got off the bike and joined the celebration, hugging the Altins and greeting their friends. The party went all afternoon and into the early evening. As the day went on, more and more of the skaters showed up until he began to get worried about the press getting wind of it. After a time, Yuri went into the house to change, wanting to make sure he wasn’t wearing his travel clothes all night. He settled on black skinny jeans, his leopard print shoes, and a tight purple t-shirt, all items of clothing he knew Otabek loved. He knew it got a rise out of him after he stepped into the yard and Otabek looked him up and down.

 

_I swear he just licked his lips. Jesus fucking Christ._

 

“Hey, everyone! It’s time for a selfie!” Phichit announced. Everyone sort of mashed together in big group and Phichit extended his selfie stick as far as it would go. Yuri decided on the spur of the moment to kiss Otabek on the cheek while flipping off the camera, just for fun.

 

_Can’t spoil my reputation._

 

“Wow, this is going to blow up Instagram and Twitter!” Phichit exclaimed as he quickly edited the picture and posted it. A few moments later, Yuri got the notification and he opened the photo, taking in the scene. It already had over four hundred likes, even after only a minute of being posted. He was sure it would be all over the internet by morning.

 

_Oh well. I’ve been in worse viral things._

 

“Yura,” Otabek said, getting his attention, “I’ve got to head out to the club now. I need to get there early to set up my stuff. Do you want to come?”

 

“Hell yes!” Yuri exclaimed and they quickly said their goodbyes, making sure everyone had the address for the club. They took a car instead of the bike as Otabek had to load his equipment in the back.

 

“You’ll be seeing some of my friends tonight,” Otabek said casually, “I kind of invited everyone I knew.”

 

“Jesus,” Yuri laughed from the front seat, “Are you sure we shouldn’t have rented the place out?”

 

“Victor did,” Otabek answered quietly and Yuri felt his jaw drop, “It’s just us and my friends. I mean, it’ll still be a lot of people, just no one that might take stupid pictures and post them online. I didn’t want you to feel like you were...on display or something.”

 

_Holy shit. They think of fucking everything. I didn’t even know I was worried about that._

 

“Thanks,” he whispered, gently resting a hand on Otabek’s knee. They talked casually for the ride, Yuri’s mind buzzing with excitement. When they finally pulled up to the club, Yuri helped Otabek unload his gear and watched him set up.

 

“Want a drink?” the bartender asked, coming over, “Otabek says it’s your birthday.”

 

“No, thanks,” Yuri replied, “I don’t really drink. My friends definitely will.”

 

“Good to hear,” the bartender said, “How about just a coke or something?”

 

“Coke’s great, thanks,” Yuri said, “Hey Beka, you want anything?”

 

“Just water for me,” Otabek said, grunting a little as he moved to plug in some wires, “I have to stay hydrated back here, it gets insanely hot.”

_Yeah? Hm, I’ll have to keep my eye on you, then._

 

They chatted for awhile until people began showing up in earnest. Eventually, the club was packed with skaters and Otabek’s friends alike. Once the drinks began to be served, the lights went out and Otabek started his set.

 

_Holy._

_Fuck._

 

Everyone around him was dancing or drinking, but Yuri couldn’t keep his eyes off of his boyfriend.

 

_He looks so goddamn sexy._

 

Most of the music was popular dance music, but he couldn’t help but recognize a few songs thrown in that he knew were meant for him. Each time, Otabek would catch his eye before starting the song, moving into the mix and keeping the beat going.

 

Yuri danced for a bit, a little with Mila and Sara, before stepping off to the side to catch his breath. The bass was thrumming through his body and he had never felt like he had so much fun in his life.

 

_I’ve come so far. Just three years ago, I’d meltdown in a place like this. And I still might, and that’s okay. But I don’t think I will, because I know I’m safe here._

_Fuck, even my meds aren’t so bad now. I mean, I hate taking them and I hope I won’t have to in the future, but for now, they’re helping._

_I’m skating, I have my family, Beka’s family...fuck. I…_

_I think I might be…_

_Happy._

 

Yuri looked up, catching Otabek’s eye. Otabek set the playlist to keep running while he stepped down, walking over to Yuri and wrapping his arms around him.

 

_I had no idea I could love someone this much._

 

“I wanted to dance with you for a bit,” Otabek murmured, “Is that okay?”

 

“More than okay,” Yuri replied a little breathlessly.

 

They danced for what felt like hours, just letting go and having fun. He laughed as he saw Christophe and Yuuri having a dance off, like so many years before. Feeling drunk on nothing but the energy of the room, Yuri surged up and kissed Otabek, smiling.

 

“I fucking _adore_ you,” Yuri panted, “God, I love you.”

 

Otabek’s eyes were dark from the kiss, but he smiled too, as he gestured to Yuri to meet him outside in the alley.

 

“Just wanted some fresh air for a minute,” Otabek said, and Yuri nodded. Walking out the door, the headed into the alley. They stood outside in the night air, holding hands and gazing up at the stars.

 

“Yura...do you ever think about us, you know, getting married one day?” Otabek asked softly.

 

_I...holy shit._

 

“Honestly Beka, I can’t even imagine a future without you,” Yuri found himself replying. He knew marriage was years away, but just the thought of being able to have that with Otabek was intoxicating.

 

_God, I love him._

 

They smiled at each other and Yuri felt his heart swell. Holding hands, they looked out over the city, the lights and sounds bringing the environment to life.

 

“I love you” Otabek said quietly, “More than I think I could ever love anyone.”

 

“God, yes,” Yuri replied, “I mean, me too. Fuck.”

 

They laughed together, Yuri resting his head on Otabek’s shoulder, hearing the sounds of their friends continuing to celebrate inside.

 

Yuri had no idea what his future held, he had no way of knowing how long his career would last. But here, under the lights and with the smiling and supportive faces of his friends and family around him, and Otabek holding him close, Yuri was certain of one thing.

  
_Everything’s going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.
> 
> Please leave me a comment and let me know what you thought! Thank you so much again for all of your support!
> 
> Please come talk to me on tumblr, I'd love to say hi! [My Tumblr](http://www.kanekkis.tumblr.com)


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